Real Housewives of Orange County

Quiet Woman: Real Housewives of OC Recap

By  | 

This week on Real Housewives of Orange County Kelly and Shannon came to blows at The Quiet Woman. 

LIMO OUT OF HERE

Shannon climbed into the stretch limo parked outside the beer gardens. She was not going to withstand jabs from someone who barely knew her, let alone at a children’s birthday party (and one held at a beer garden nonetheless). Lydia wouldn’t get the best of her (but she did because she was crying in the limo), so David gathered the girls and they left. Lydia patted the glitter on her chest and noted she would probably not be friends with Shannon at this juncture.

RECONSTRUCTION

Peggy went to the doctor to discuss reconstructive surgery while wearing stiletto heels her husband placed on her feet.

NEW CONSTRUCTION

Vicki looked over construction of her new office, which would have ceiling beams, natural light, and several surveillance cameras to monitor employees. “This is where Vicki can whoop it up,” said her ass-kissing partner who sat through her monologue on how she is too trusting of a person. “Maybe you can interview all of the employees,” she suggested to a man without human resources skills. “You and Linda (the assistant with talons) can interview everyone,” she said.

EXPRESSIVE

The Nobleman issue deadline was closing in and Doug had not done enough to cut down the content, which caused Lydia a paralyzing amount of stress. Normally she lived on a cloud riding a unicorn, but now that she and Doug were the editors of their own magazine they had more work to do and less time to do it. Doug understood the pressure; it was why he had spent the last few nights working late into the sunset. “You do know we’re about to go on a trip to Hawaii,” noted Lydia. “Yeah,” he replied dusting off his velvet jacket. She had wished he had the tenacity of her relatives, media moguls from Canada. Doug was never hurried unless it was at a sample sale at Neiman Marcus.

Before she left the office she took a call from Tamra who explained to her that Shannon was in an emotionally weakened state. Tamra explains she was expressive at the birthday party because Lydia compared her to someone she considered Satan. Lydia was not used to being around “expressive” people, yet agreed to meet with Shannon for dinner at The Quiet Woman so they could move forward. She told Doug she would bring a butcher knife just in case.

PEACEMAKER

Tamra had convinced herself she was a peacemaker, though unwisely comparing herself to Rodney King, a taxi driver who became internationally known after a tape was released of him being beaten by LAPD officers following a high-speed car chase.

She calmly tried to advise Shannon it was in her best interest to attend the dinner at Quiet Woman. “I am still invited even though I am a yeller and a screamer?” asked Shannon. “You got it,” Tamra replied while picking up guinea pig shit with her bare hands.

TRAINER

Shannon was unhappy with her weight and sought the advice of her trainer/chiropractor/life coach who operates his business out of a middle school gym. As she lifted off her shirt and revealed her stress related weight gain he subjected her to several rounds of “wow” and “ohh” before asking for details on the state of her sex life. “How are you and David doing physically?” (Is that your business, Tim?) “Where is this is stress coming from?” (Maybe you, Tim) “You should be disappointed.” (Have you noticed I cry my face off every time I am in here, Tim?) Shannon noted David was in good shape as footage of him participating in Marine basic training flashed on the screen. “You need to make better choices,” said Tim.

QUIET WOMAN

Peggy picked up Lydia in one of her fancy cars and took on her a finger-gripping ride down Dover Drive. “Do you like to go fast?” she asked. “Weeeeeeeeeee,” screamed Lydia as they violated the speed limit in a residential area. They Facetimed Kelly, whom she had met the night before, and Lydia suggested she swing by Quiet Woman for some dinner. Kelly politely declined because she was already committed to a booze cruise.

At the restaurant things got off to a rocky start when Peggy shamed Shannon for building her own house. “Why would you spend time doing that when you can buy something new?” I don’t know why, Peggy? Maybe to get rid of toxicity? Are you not aware of the effects of having a Wi-Fi? What about radiation from television and microwaves? Then when Shannon explained her distaste for Vicki because she spread rumors about her husband beating her, new friend Peggy mentioned that she and husband Diko laugh about him beating her up regularly. “What, it’s funny!” she replied. Lydia shuffled away quietly.

Before they could finish their entrees Kelly walked through the front door to the surprise of Tamra. She walked straight into the bathroom and into Shannon’s line of vision. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” said Shannon. “What do you mean?” asked Kelly. “I live across the street,” she cried. Shannon highlighted her recent weight gain. “I have gained 40 pounds and I have 40 pounds of body fat,” Shannon explained, which was a little too specific and a little too personal to discuss while standing next to urinals. Kelly lifted her shirt to tuck it back into her pants thereby revealing her taught stomach.

BREAK DOWN

“Honestly, I didn’t know you guys would be here,” said Kelly winking at Lydia and the camera. “Are we really going to start this?” Shannon asked. “You know I have confided in you about something that is nice. I was surprised and now you are painting me out to be a mean person,” said Shannon, which was practically the worst thing you could say. “I was nothing but kind to you,” Shannon squealed.

Kelly explained that did she live across the street, but she was also with friends visiting from Philadelphia, so being at the Quiet Woman was her jam. (Editorial note: I am from Philadelphia, and I have been to Quiet Woman many times). As Kelly returned to her friends at the bar Lydia quietly prayed over a weeping Shannon at the bathroom sink. “Shannon is a light, Lord,” Lydia prayed.

Kelly sat beside Tamra and they tried to work through the differences they had carried from last year’s reunion. Peggy sat beside them silently eating her Brussels sprouts. When Lydia and Shannon returned to the table all was not well. Kelly seized the opportunity to push more of Shannon’s mental buttons. Why did Shannon, for example, always have hurt feelings? “Am I always upset?” Shannon asked Tamra through near tears. “You have been nothing but a disgusting person to me. Move along! Leave, Kelly!” screamed Shannon after serving her the bird.

Kelly stood up and screamed across the table that perhaps Shannon should eat more or take more hormones, an insult to add among insults. The others (including the rest of the restaurant) sat in horror. “Thanks, guys, have a good night!” said Kelly as she walked away laughing. Shannon and Tamra fled for the back door. Peggy wondered if she could take her food home with her.

Outside Lydia tried to comfort a shell-shocked Peggy. (Are you sure you signed up for the right show, Peggy?) “I am never coming to this place again. I don’t ever want to be around these women again,” said Lydia momentarily forgetting she signed a Bravo contract. Kelly, meanwhile, blew air against the glass front door of the restaurant.

Good night, Quiet Woman.

ALSO NOTABLE:

Meghan’s baby just arrived from the spirit world.

NEXT WEEK:

Kelly gets her vagina tightened.

Real Housewives of Orange County, Recap, Quiet Woman

SaveSave

SaveSave

Join the newsletter

Subscribe to get our latest content by email.

Powered by ConvertKit
mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

2 Comments

  1. Michelle Garcia

    July 25, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    That was the best recap I’ve ever read. Well done. I don’t know how you do it. It took my almost 6 year old 25 minutes to put on her pj dress last night. She also needs to be spoon fed or eat on the fly, because she can’t sit in a chair to save her life.

    • mm

      Kate

      August 10, 2017 at 8:43 am

      Thank you!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *