Dear Whitney: Be Happy You Won’t Be Marrying The Bachelor Chris Soules

May 28, 2015

Dear Whitney From The Bachelor: You Dodged a Bullet

Dear Whitney,

I was so sorry to hear you called off your engagement with The Bachelor Chris Soules. Here’s the good news; you just dodged a bullet.

You put your life on hold for several months because you held out hope a vain farmer from Iowa would grant you his last rose. You left a bustling city and a rewarding job to compete against several women hoping to launch a soap opera acting career for the right to wear an engagement ring paid for by a television network.

Here’s the thing. You are a smart, beautiful, capable, and charming woman with frozen eggs and the world at your feet. I know how much you want a family, but you probably weren’t meant for a life of solitude in a cornfield. You deserve someone who challenges you intellectually and supports you emotionally. You came close to marrying someone who has difficulty putting a sentence together whose priority was nurturing a career as a cha-cha dancer.

Jimmy Kimmel trying to translate a conversation between The Bachelor Chris Soules and one of the contestants.

The odds were stacked against you. You had to watch him spend weeks shoving his tongue down other contestant’s throats. Even though you were the only contestant who likes country music, he took a waitress from Los Angeles to a Brooks and Dunn concert in South Dakota. He brought a Playboy video star back home to watch a football game and tour the old high school. He kept a woman with questionable mental stability in the running for an extra week because she pretended to have a nervous breakdown. Worst of all, the day before he proposed he questioned whether you or a virgin from Louisiana with little interest in a future with him should become his wife. Could you trust him with important decisions like retirement funds, how to raise a child, or more importantly how to decorate a living room?

You deserve someone who doesn’t spray tan or own dance shoes. He proposed to you in a barn surrounded by hay.

So lift up your chin, punch the sky, and do a high kick.

You won’t have to live on a prairie with someone who borrows all of your moisturizer. You won’t need to make friends with the only three people who live in his town. You can go to regular appointments for manicures, haircuts, and eyebrow waxing within a walking radius.

You just dodged a bullet, friend.

Congrats!

Love,

Kate

A letter to Whitney Bischoff on ending her engagement to The Bachelor Chris Soules.

A letter to Whitney Bischoff on ending her engagement to The Bachelor Chris Soules.

Filed Under: Reality TV Stars