Why Retail Ladies Hate Me
I hate shopping for clothes. I just find it a huge time suck and no matter how much I try to branch out I always end up buying the same things. And I have a hard time taking fashion advice from a 19 year-old wearing a tube top and leggings or a 55 year old wearing a sweat set and platform easy Spirits. I am admittedly a nightmare. This is … Continue reading
I Translate Tom Cruise’s Interview with Playboy
Tom Cruise, as you may have heard, is set to play a rockstar in the movie version of the Broadway hit Rock of Ages. As expected in the run up to the release he is granting some interviews. It’s been a couple years since he jumped on couches and jazzercised his way down red carpets. He’s almost 50 and is slightly more guarded. So it is surprising that the first … Continue reading
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap
Four years ago Alexis suffered the devastating effects of a Demerol induced quasi-coma. She also had twins, but that’s a side issue. While hopped up on Coumadin and morphine she sort of almost died as her husband stood by her and spoke to Jesus in a soft whisper. “Please, don’t let me lose my trophy wife. Without her I am just a balding pool table salesman without a chin and … Continue reading
Secret Email From Bachelorette Contestant Revealed
Hey, Turns out I am not on a boating trip. I’m actually filming that show The Bachelorette. I figured that since I got laid off from Applebee’s I could use it as an opportunity to really work on my acting career. I told the casting agent that I worked in sales, just didn’t explain that I what I really meant was I ring up Long Island iced teas. I … Continue reading
Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Showdown at the Pool Party
Caroline is over it. She just. Can’t. Do it. Anymore. She doesn’t want to sit around and listen to these squawks talk about this and that and who and how. She’s got bigger fish to fry. She’s got flop sweat and her who-ha is drying up. As in the kitchen is closed for business. The other day she found herself in the sanitary napkin aisle at the grocery and started … Continue reading
5 Years Married
5 years ago I got married in Hawaii. It was a small wedding, a recommended approach to avoid having to invite unwanted relatives and such. I was a pretty low maintenance bride. I didn’t take anyone with me when I shopped for a wedding gown (a big mistake), I decided the day of the wedding how to style my hair (a disaster), and left it to my wedding planner to … Continue reading
Tom Cruise as a Rockstar?
Rockstars just don’t do it for me. I just could never wrap my mind around making out with someone who wears leather pants and nail polish. I also don’t believe the man in my life should have longer hair. I’d just rather fight about him leaving the toilet seat up than who can use the flat iron first. My man doesn’t need to know if you get a better smoky … Continue reading
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: The Big Announcement
Nothing makes friendships grow stronger than shopping for jug-wear together. Everyone knows this and Vicki really needs support right now. Not just for her chest, but emotionally. It’s been a rough road for her after hearing her adult daughter decided to get married. She’s a nurse who has just survived a cancer scare and then decided to join together in matrimony with a man whose day job is defending the … Continue reading
Marriage Advice From John Travolta
I can’t exactly say I had great marriage role models. After all my parents did split even before I was born. My father, who only recently emerged from underneath a rock, never remarried. My mom, who did remarry, would speak openly about how much she was looking forward to the day my stepfather would succumb to his numerous ailments. That way, she would explain, she could finally have a pig … Continue reading
Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Summer Solstice
Back at the Crack Shack on the Jersey Shore Teresa’s husband Meatball has been doing some chin-ups. It’s part of his whole pre-jail fitness regimen. It’s been a muggy summer, so the Giudices wanted to take their kids to their bonus house that sits along the swamp. Despite their multi-million dollars worth of debt they were somehow able to hold onto their dilapidated beach place in addition to Teresa’s new … Continue reading