UNITED STATES OF CRAZY
- The women returned to the United States broken and battered after a grueling teriyaki chicken dinner in Bali. Tamra had promised everyone they'd never see her face again as she diarrhea sprinted out the resort that evening. She booked an earlier flight home so she could get back to her aerobics instructor husband. On the plane home Heather overheard Shannon counseling Vicki. "Tamra is going to call you. You MUST be strong. She doesn't deserve you. Do you understand me?" This confirmed Heather's suspicions that Shannon would stop at nothing to ruin friendships that were already manufactured for television.
- The good news is Shannon and David were back on track. They were now going to bed at 8:00 every night, shutting down the House of Beador right after Wheel of Fortune.
- After researching Wikipedia Lizzie had come to the conclusion Tamra was a sociopath. She lies, has zero remorse, and when she is confronted instead of taking a moment to self reflect she goes for the jugular. Also, her face doesn't move and she wears a lot of gold jewelry.
WHAT’S FOR DINNER
- Vicki threw a finale dinner party with a Bali inspired menu and decorations she bought in bulk from Oriental Trading Company. What better way to toast a great season then to remind her guests of the shitty trip they just spent together?
- It was revealed that 24 hours prior Tamra arrived at Vicki's house to offer her apologies for discussing on national television how much she loathes her boyfriend. Vicki believes she should have written off Tamra years before. She's a horrendous friend and doesn't understand the first thing about life insurance plans, but they've got a magnetic force that can't be denied. They’re like soul mates that hate each other.
- Shannon shoved her breasts in a gown and went into the party hopeful that the Bali trip had perhaps opened the door for a friendship with Heather. Sometimes when you are forced into a vacation prison you find you have more in common then you expected. For example, they both enjoy bok choy. Turns out they both believe it is important for children to learn the piano. They both think cats carry diseases.
I Ain’t Your Holla Back Girl
- But Heather's husband Dr. Terry Dubrow was still harboring resentment for the way Shannon's husband urged Heather to spread her legs so she could mount the electric bull they rented for their family hoedown. Somehow he had been okay with Tamra's jazzercise instructor husband Eddie begging her to ride it in the same way she rides her husband during their love making sessions. But asking a woman to spread her legs in front of his elderly mother and his children was unacceptable. "You were either drunk or stupid or both for doing that," Terry yelled with his index pointed aggressively in their direction. (Heather would later confess in the 45 years they had been together she had never seen Lord Dubrow become this angry about anything, which makes me wonder if they actually live in the same house). David agreed. He was probably drunk and stupid and then he smiled, which threw Dr. Terry Dubrow into spins. "I know you are in construction and you are probably used to all this holla back girl crap. You are what people in my line of business call a penis." (In the world of plastic surgery they call men in construction a penis?)
- It should be noted for editorial purposes that Lizzie's husband also works in construction.
PEOPLE LIKE YOU
- The truth was David apologized, but it was not enough. It had become clear that there were issues that went well beyond the bull-riding incident of episode #2. Terry and Heather, it seemed, did not like David Beador for other reasons. He was not Newport Coast material. He worked in construction of homes and not construction of breasts. He reconstructed the foundation of a home. The esteemed Dr. Terry Dubrow reconstructed vaginas. David Beador removed dirt. Dr. Terry Dubrow removed excess fat and skin from a woman's stomach. Lord and Lady Dubrow use fancy words like pugilistic and sardonic, even if they are used incorrectly. (Heather was kind enough to offer them a thesaurus so they could identify synonyms). They have a carport. They don't make their own onion rings; they hire someone with an associate’s degree to do it for them. You understand the difference, friends.
- "I am trying to be more etiquette" - Vicki after screaming at guests to make their way to the dinner table.
- Tamra would attend this dinner but she wouldn't let things just go. She would first pull Brooks aside and offer her non-apology for pointing out to the community that he had done everything he could to cling to the lifeboat that was Vicki's bank account. Although she found him to be personally vile she had only wanted her friend to be happy. They embraced and agreed to move forward. She secretly hoped he would get food poisoning.
TAMRA RISES AGAIN
- Later they would sit down for a delicious meal only to have it derailed by Tamra. "Are you ever going to admit that you said my husband wanted to sleep with you," she asked Lizzie. Lizzie's husband Hair pointed out the game of marry, shag, or kill was just a game. But Tamra was hurt because not only did Lizzie rub it in her face that Eddie would love to sleep with someone else but also that if they did procreate they could develop Mexitalian babies. Tamra could give Eddie everything, bedazzled home décor and a fitness gym included, but she could never give him the baby he never really wanted. She could never grow a mini Eduardo in her lady pocket. But as Lizzie pointed out, Tamra was almost fifty years old with four kids and three marriages. Should she be having any more babies anyway? She could barely take care of Astro baby, the plastic doll she borrowed from a high school human sexuality class.
- Shannon shut the conversation down by describing how the trip to Bali taught her that it's not worth her time to fight with a tightly wound former sitcom actress.
- Then they all gathered to watch a slideshow of that horrendous trip to Bali. All their favorite clips from the moments that monkeys tried to shit on their heads and they almost fell off an elephant. Heather and Terry forgot about everything because they were distracted by the one things that brings them true joy: looking at photos of themselves on a large screen.
- As the sun set on season #143 of Real Housewives of Orange County we learned the following. Shannon realized what a shrew she had become and vowed to make her marriage a priority. She's selling her house in hopes someone with $13.5 million wants a house with crystals in the walls. Lizzie wants another baby, but not biologically Eddie's. Heather is still overseeing construction of Chateau Dubrow, slated to be complete in 2015. Tamra's in the midst of a custody battle. Ryan's moved up north and will make her a grandmother next year. Vicki's life has changed since that one crisp morning when Brianna escaped in a pickup trip with her family. She now lives in Oklahoma though Vicki hopes one day she will return. That seems doubtful.