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Marriage Advice From Me and Michelle Duggar

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Dear Lady Friends,

Happy Valentine’s Day! How about some marriage advice from two not well-known experts on marriage? Michelle Duggar and me.

She’s a fundamentalist Christian from Arkansas with 19 kids that all have J names. I am an Episcopalian from Southern California that named one of her kids after a pilot. She wears dresses made from patterns bought at Joann Fabrics. I like Nike running shorts. She’s got unreasonably long permed hair. I have unreasonably thick hair. She doesn’t wear any makeup. I always forget to put it on. Her idea of a date night is an ice cream shop. Mine is drinking a bottle of wine at a restaurant with my phone turned off. She likes to do needle point. I like to breakdance and other people’s weddings.

Michelle Says:

Do It, Even When You Are Tired: “Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.’”

Then Lock Up Shop: Abstain when you have your period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy.

Make’em Feel Special: Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen.

Ask For Advice: They recently met an Amish couple that’d celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and asked them their secret. Their answer? The phrases, “I was wrong” and “Will you forgive me?”

I Say:

Don’t Want To Do It? Wear long jean skirts. Tell him you just ate a burrito. Remind him your lady pocket is bleeding.

This Vagina is Closed: Insist your OBGYN advised you to wait 100 days post-baby to get it back on.

Never Talk About His Mother: It’s just a minefield. Avoid it.

Want More Kids? Tell him you are still “not ovulating.”

He Wants More Kids? Make a mix tape of an infant crying. Play it on repeat every night at 2:00 and 4:00 am.

Seeking Advice: Keep him away from Dean McDermott.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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