VH1’s Couples Therapy Recap

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At the suggestion of Natasha I devoted an hour last night to VH1’s show Couple Therapy, which is a show that puts a bunch of quasi-celebs in a mansion with a TV therapist and helps them work out their love issues. It’s just like talking to a priest but instead of a church you are in a rented house followed by cameras and instead of a minister you have a love doctor with excessive plastic surgery. Are you following me so far?

Couple Number One: Real Housewives star Taylor Armstrong and her boyfriend John. 

Taylor’s got some concerns about getting married again. Her last marriage was pretty public. They joined the Housewives show despite bubbling fraud lawsuits, misrepresentations about their true wealth, and his apparent mistreatment of her. After he committed suicide she found love in the arms of her then-married attorney. Now they live in Colorado since she’s no longer on the show and the higher altitude helps suppress her massive lip injections. She wants to marry him but she’s still suffering from post traumatic disorder and she is hoping that being on the show will help her either land her own spin-off or at the very least get EXTRA or Access Hollywood pay for her nuptials. John loves her but he is not sure how to ease her fears that he won’t be as much of a nightmare as the last husband. So he follows her around making sure he is accompanies her on every red carpet so she knows he loves her, supports her, and would like equal billing on any future television related project.

They come to the house with several sets of luggage dragged up the walk way by Taylor’s assistant Matthew who is in charge of icing her forehead, carrying her lipstick satchel, and unpacking her underwear when she travels. John understands this because Taylor has “better use for her time” than opening the zipper to a bag and putting away her own jeans. She’s much better served sitting in a lounge chair guzzling bottles of chardonnay and putting on suntan lotion.

Couple Two: Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole

Ghostface is well known for being an integral member of the Wu-tang Clan. Now he is a solo artist. His girlfriend Kelsey, who he sometimes calls Keltey, is a car and rap video model. She’s afraid that despite her lover being in his 40s, having a wonky eye, limited use of the English language, and a very high body mass index he is still very much banging ladies on the side. They’ve been together a year now. She explains how she loves how spiritual he is while his one eyeball rolls to the side of his face and then back to center position. When they first saw each other it was magnetic, her canary yellow Mohawk pony whipping in the wind. He felt the same. “When first seen Keltey/Kelsey, she just look amazing to me. Just a few things I love about her. She can rub my back. She can clean and all that.” But the problem is like his contemporaries in the thug life he doesn’t feel like he needs therapy. “I don’t need the therapy. If I need therapy I just talk to myself,” he says. Kelsey disagrees. “I definitely want to make sure we are on the same page. That we feel the same way about each other. We are willing to move forward and grow and take it to another level.”

Taylor/John and Ghostface/Kelsey meet up in the kitchen. Ghostface thinks Taylor/John are a cool couple, but explains that “we got a line there” because they are not necessarily his peeps. Like, for example, they probably don’t go to nightclubs with armed bodyguards. John, it turns out, says he is a very big fan of Tupac. (Though he thinks Tupac Shakur is actually a country singer from Texas). John says he looks forward to getting on the Internet so he can listen to some of Ghostface Killah’s music. He is sure he will enjoy his fun music.

Couple Three: The Real L Word‘s Whitney Mixter and Sada Bettencourt

I guess the honeymoon is over for Showtime’s The Real L Word’s couple despite apparently getting married in the first lesbian wedding on TV last year. Their love is turbulent. Living together in Los Angeles and working together on a clothing line (does everyone famous have a clothing line) has proved difficult because Sada is still cutting hair while Whitney is left at home packaging shirts in the living room. Whitney is the disciplinarian while Sada gets to enjoy the highs of coloring hair and trimming bangs.

Ghostface wonders aloud if the two women will try to bang Kelsey who laughs. She’s not down with that, but apparently fine with waiting backstage for a man who likely does not shower or brush his teeth regularly.

Once they arrive to the house they immediately start fighting about packing and unpacking and keeping the room clean.

Couple Four: Teen Mom star Farrah Abraham

Farrah had a baby on MTV several years ago. She was 16 then and with her original nose, lips, and forehead. Things have changed since then. She’s got a blossoming career in pornography. She has very white teeth. Her hair is feathered. But for a couple show it sure is strange that there is actually only one person in this relationship. While she claims she has a boyfriend who apparently has no name that she met through friends 5 months ago there seems to be no evidence. She angrily text messages herself about how disrespected she feels by not having him get on the plane and fly to the house to work out their make believe problems.

Producers get the couples on couches in the family room to discuss how the show about couples fixing their love issues should proceed when she is actually in a dysfunctional relationship with herself. But since she seems to be living on Planet Self-Obsession and obviously has a problem with pathological lying they figure technically she is two people. The other couples agree.

Taylor says it is okay if she wants to stay. She thinks it would be great for Farrah to get out of a non-existent abusive relationship with her fake boyfriend and she’d also like to borrow her jeans and tank tops for the duration of filming. Ghostface also agrees.

“You just got to watch the men that you chose in life. She said if it is the same pattern then it is like whatever you goin for the wrong thing. If it is goin to keep happening and you are sitting here by yourself with an empty space. That is sad. I feel bad for you,” he explains. Everyone nods despite not having a clear understanding of what he actually said. Truth is Ghostface doesn’t want to be there. IT’s Kelsey’s problem with him. He’s fine just doing him. “No one you gotta to be crying, yo. Women is like all around the kid. You know what I mean? But I seen you. And I like what I seen. I met her (Kelsey – I assume) while I was on my grind. But when I am wit her . I ain’t going around saying you’re my girl. When I say whatever you said. Do you think there are other females? Kelsey gets upset. “Whenever I try to sit down and conversate you run away.”

Next week: Jon Gosselin shows up with his lady friend who may or may not be a lesbian.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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