To Tampa: Vanderpump Rules Recap
This week on Vanderpump Rules Jax blindsided Brittany with news he was considering a move to Tampa, and Stassi and Lala took Jax to task for always putting his needs above Brittany.
Lala and a team of producers had been compiling a potential one-hit wonder that would catapult her into Billboard’s top rap song charts, a seemingly improbable feat for a model from Utah. Stassi, who had decided in the days before filming the season began that her dream was to be a party planner, organized a night of music at a local watering hole. It was outside her wheelhouse since her iTunes library was filled with show tunes and the theme song from Game of Thrones. “Can you hear and see her perform her new hit song if you are enjoying a mojito on the back patio?” asked Stassi. The out of work actor hired to play the establishment’s catering manager assured her there was a mobile bar. Later they clanged chardonnay glasses as they devoured one soft pretzel.
The Toms impressed Lisa Vanderpump and her husband Todd not with their insight on chandeliers, but with potential cocktails to be served at the restaurant they had minimally invested. Turns out scorpion chili can be used in street tacos and after dinner drinks.
Scheana and her short-term suffering boyfriend Rob discussed plans for Divorce Closet, surprising not a daytime self help show hosted by Iyanla Vanzant, but an eBay business for people who’ve left their spouses. After presenting her with several logo options Rob quietly explained that she would in fact only be the “face” off the e-commerce business, and not an actual owner. “I’m sorry,” she explained, “but I wasn’t listening because I was staring into your eyes.” He winked as he swallowed the Chick Fil-A sandwich she ordered from Postmates.
Jax looked forward to his regular reiki session with Kelsey, a spiritual guru based in West Hollywood with a body wave and an unlimited supply of candles. He prepared for her visit with croissants and coffee and by sweeping his apartment free of cobwebs. He shared with her after she gently tapped the toxins out of his forehead and ripped the invisible cord from his neck that he had been offered a job in Tampa, Florida. It was clear he had grown tired of serving cosmopolitans to star struck patrons, he longed for a job that afforded him a salary, a parking spot, and the opportunity to watch ice hockey every day. “I have wanted this my whole life,” he explained to Brittany, which was the first she had heard. She did know about his dreams of stealing silverware and being able to shoot urine from the shower into the toilet bowl, but not working at an ice hockey rink. “You don’t worry about any of this?” asked Lisa Vanderpump. Of course she didn’t.
The group took a trip to a Mexican resort to celebrate Jax’s birthday. Though Brittany organized the trip he reminded her often that his happiness was the result of his guru Kelsey’s energy channeling. He felt no desire to ask if she would be interested in uprooting her life. He assumed she would follow him, much like she had done the duration of their obviously dysfunctional relationship. While he shared the news with the Toms, Brittany shared it with the women. “I will believe it when I see it,” said Katie who noted his other fruitless ventures have included a sweater company and a fitness app. “He’s a liar,” said Stassi, noting Jax was unable to provide details of this new “position” including responsibilities or even a title.
“Remember I have dreams,” explained Brittany. “Like what?” asked Jax. He’d assumed her only dream was to serve chicken wings at Hooters. “Do you ever listen to her?” asked Lala, which set an already jittery Jax into spins. “Was I talking to you?” he asked. “This is a partnership, respect her,” yelled Lala. Stassi used this opportunity to let the others know that each time she has walked past their apartment she could overhear him speak to her poorly. Sandoval asked her to shut it down. The other women (with the exception of Ariana) stood up and left.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Ariana noted Adam was planted on a group date to boost Brittany’s low self-esteem. Stassi notified Kristen she was a horrid vacation companion, even though she packs adorable cover-ups. Lisa Vanderpump hired someone totally unqualified to make drinks at a bar based on his modeling career.
Rob asks Scheana to turn off her phone and they all go swimming.
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