Vanderpump Rules Recap: Unfaithful
This week on Vanderpump Rules Jax admitted he was unfaithful, Stassi reconnected with her ex-boyfriend Patrick, and Tom Schwartz and Tom Sandoval cried in each other’s arms.
Jax was guilty. “I have been faithful,” said Jax of his long-suffering girlfriend Brittany as he stood in a cluttered alleyway behind a nightclub. He had, however, banged a waitress named Faith while an 86-year old woman took a catnap beside them. “If this is true I will punch him in his fake nose,” said Brittany before getting into a waiting Honda civic on Hollywood Boulevard.
The general consensus was that Brittany was an angel sent from Heaven and Jax was a pathological liar with a sex addiction. They all wondered why someone bordering sainthood could fall so deeply in love with a guy unable to keep his pants zipped. “I hate you,” Brittany screamed at Jax as he left Katie’s apartment in a faded Taco Bell sweatshirt. By the time he admitted his mistake Brittany had already packed thong underwear for a last minute trip to Las Vegas. “I hope it was worth it,” said Brittany as she searched for one of her dogs underneath their bed. She left an hour later after calling her mother in Kentucky. “I need you,” she wept. She had convinced herself that a proposal was imminent despite red flags waving in her face for the last two years.
Upon her return to Los Angeles and her weekly shift at SUR the others threw open their arms. They held her as she confessed her Vegas trip was spent in a puddle of tears wavering between anger and despair. “I totally know how you feel,” said Scheana, “that was how I felt six months ago.” It was impossible for her to not make any conversation about herself.
A day later Brittany slept with Jax. “I guess I was lonely,” she said to her horrified group of waitress pals.
Lisa Vanderpump walked past her swans into the driveway of the home she named after flowers to a waiting Rolls Royce, a gift from her husband. Stassi, who appeared from behind a set of hedges, wondered if good sex made this new gift possible. It was the first of a series of compliments she showered on Lisa hoping to secure a job in event planning at Vanderpump Enterprises. “Stassi is very bright, but a pain in the ass,” said Lisa. She offered her the opportunity to decorate a few tables at Guillermo’s party that Saturday and suggested upselling a photo booth or a balloon maker. The conversation segwayed into a review of the disastrous romantic choices she has made over the years, highlighted by the year she was actively having sex with Jax.
Raquel wore stonewashed vag cutters to an employment interview with Lisa accompanied by her DJ boyfriend James. “I love what you have done with dogs,” said Raquel while staring into space. “I don’t even know what you do,” replied Lisa. Raquel explained with her impossibly slow speech that she was a model and full time student. Somehow her kinesiology studies would meld well with a job at an animal spa. She saw that summer as an opportunity to learn more about dog grooming and ringing up sparkle collars. Lisa offered her an intern position in the dog shat and piss team. Before leaving James asked Lisa if he could play mix tapes at the restaurant on Saturdays.
Schwartz attended his second birthday party in 24 hours without his wife, this one for Ariana’s brother Jeremy. Basically everyone who was no one left Katie off the invite list. “Let’s get lit,” said Tom Sandoval, who was almost 40. He complained about his sexual drought. Later that day Sandoval held Schwartz in his arms as they shed tears about their future. “You have so much to give,” said Sandoval as his spray tan melted off his face.
“This is overwhelming emotional,” said a stone-faced Lisa Vanderpump as she drove her white car through crowds in Long Beach during gay pride. Afterwards Tom Sandoval enjoyed a flogging experience as Ariana outlined all the reasons why she was totally disinterested in having sex with Tom, let alone marrying him. “He plays video games all day, he’s a slob, he went to Las Vegas on my birthday, he inserted himself in my cocktail book, and refuses to move out of our apartment, which looks like it is located in a war zone.”
They took the whip home and Sandoval assured Jax it had spiced up their love affair and also surprisingly cleaned up cobwebs.
Stassi reconnected with her ex-boyfriend Patrick, a man with wavy hair he twirled into a low bun. Over dinner she explained her plans to become an event planner.
Patrick: “Wait, you are an event planner now?”
Stassi: “I watched YouTube videos.”
She praised his podcast and admitted she was nervous to have him review hers.
Patrick: “You didn’t know anything about podcasts, and now you have this juggernaut.”
Stassi: “What is juggernaut?”
Patrick: “You have a way of galvanizing your audience.”
Stassi: “What is galvanize?”
She admitted this was the first relationship where she had a lower IQ. Then she warned him that if they broke up again she would have a nervous breakdown.
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