Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Sociopath

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Scheana got attacked for sympathizing with Lala and Jax revealed himself a sociopath on Stassi’s podcast.

MOVING ON

As Scheana, Brittany, and Katie stacked the sugar caddies the lady who owns Olympic pool sized canvases of her face made no apologies for missing out on gay pride day. She felt unsafe and therefore did not wear the hideous uniform Lisa had selected, even though she was the only person small enough to fit into it.

Stassi, who now felt emboldened to sit at the bar of SUR now that she did not have to work shifts asked to meet with Brittany to ask her a very personal question. “I know that at one point in my life I thought Jax was my soul mate and that I have since called him dog meat, but would it be okay if I interviewed him for my podcast? I’d like to ask him why he was such a horrible boyfriend, incapable of keeping his junk in his pants.” “So it’s a positive interview!” Brittany responded.

OF COURSE

Katie and Scheana met with Ariana out back. With the encouragement of Lisa Vanderpump Ariana brought them together to work out unsettled issues with Lala beside the dumpster. Lala was unhappy about rumors that she was seeing a married man and admitted she had made up stories about a fake boyfriend to throw off the internal restaurant investigation. Lala noted she and the man who had presumably leased her a Range Rover and paid for her new leather skorts had just recently decided to take a romantic break. As Katie picked the dirt beneath her rainbow painted talons she sighed in disgust. How convenient for Lala to break up just yesterday, which is the same day production notified her we would be filming this scene in the back alley.

MISERY

After the world’s worst motivational speech Brittany walked away from Lisa Vanderpump with her tail between her legs. She had loved Jax and worried Stassi would rip him into shreds, but wanted to make her friend happy. What if there were still underlining feelings? “When I think back on my relationship with Stassi I reflect on those times like I were James can in the movie Misery,” explained Jax.

GANDHI

Over a glass off rail vodka mixed with tang Scheana struggled to understand why Katie had seemed fine with her apology to Lala at six o’clock the previous evening, but had changed her mind in the hours after. She wondered if Stassi had brainwashed her over pints of tequila. “I feel like I can not have an opinion,” said Scheana and Jax agreed with her. “I predicted this would happen years ago,” said Jax. “I’m like the modern day Ganyee. Is it Ganyee or Gandee? He’s the Indian guy who could see stuff, right?” 

At Katie and Tom’s apartment Stassi, Katie, and Kristen wondered what would possess Scheana to apologize to Lala.

SOCIOPATH

At a dive bar decorated with Christmas lights Stassi interviewed Jax on the journey of a douche to manhood. Here were the highlights:

  1. According to statistics Stassi found on Wikipedia, 42% of men cheat.
  2. Jax cheated because he wanted to see if he still “had it” and could still nail girls.
  3. He only dated hot girls before Brittany.
  4. According to Jax men cheat down. In other words, they sleep with a low-rent version of their soul mate.
  5. Jax’s real name is Jason Couchey.
  6. He took a sociopath test and won.

Stassi astutely noted that Kristen meets most of the criteria for borderline personality disorder, Ariana has a superiority complex, Tom Sandoval is a narcissist, Scheana is a hypochondriac, Katie has anger management issues, and she is an alcoholic. So Jax is in good company.

Scheana was still living in her own mental prison while on her shift the next day, especially when Katie refused to speak with her.

BIRTHDAY PARTY

The next morning they all gathered at a rental home to celebrate the birthday of Kristen’s boyfriend Carter and the mute DJ Scheana is now divorcing. Schwartz ushered in the guests of honors while wearing green sandals. Jax licked Brittany’s toes, Sandoval offered advice on body bronzers, and Schwartz compared his fiancée and her friends to the mafia.

Schwartz asked Shay for advice in the living room of the rental home.

Schwartz: “I think I have moved past the point of sinasistic. (He meant cynicism). “Is that the right word?” he asked.

Shay: “Huh?”

Schwartz: “At this point it’s all about money. All of a sudden it is $50,000?”

Shay: “Huh?” 

Schwartz: “What about when you don’t seem to have a budget?”

Shay: “When I got married I just showed up.” (He looked as if he was high).

Schwartz also noted he could get three jet skis for the price of a wedding.

Stassi pulled Brittany aside and thanked her again for loaning Jax for her podcast. Brittany googled the definition of sociopath since she was unfamiliar with the term. “Sociopathy, is a personality disorder, characterized by a pervasive pattern of disregard for, or violation of, the rights of others,” Brittany read from her phone. “So I guess it’s not that bad,” she said.

LOYALTY

Speaking of sociopaths they tried to get a handle on why Scheana had been so disloyal to the lady mafia. Brittany had empathy for Scheana as she also aimed to people please. “I feel like I can learn from you,” said Stassi before getting into a pointed finger war with Scheana. “Why are you asking Katie to be friends with Lala?” asked Stassi pointing out that the restaurant hostess had said awful things about Katie’s weight, how long she would stay married, and the size of her fiancée’s junk.

Stassi locked herself in the rental bathroom as Rachael (my guest on my podcast this week) and Kristen comforted her. She got up and took a seat on a lounge chair in the living room. “You don’t care about anyone but yourself,” screamed Stassi. Katie guzzled from her tin of beer releasing it from her lips to let Scheana know that the only reason she was wound up about Lala was because of her mouth. “I am not unhappy. Scheana, I can read you like a book. You are so transparent,” she yelped. Scheana fled to the pool.  She couldn’t remember what was said, but thought she was a better person in spite of it.

NEXT WEEK:

Lala encourages no one dos peak on their Ariana birthday get away.

Vanderpump Rules, Sociopath, Jax, Stassi

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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