Vanderpump Rules Recap: Saddle Up
This week on Vanderpump Rules Brittany’s girlfriends put aside their differences and threw a Kentucky themed party to cure her heartache, Ariana was thrown off her horse’s saddle, and Lala returned and asked Lisa for forgiveness.
BACK IN THE SADDLE
Brittany had planned for a spa day to celebrate her two-year anniversary with Jax. Since he penetrated someone else’s body she choose to celebrate that anniversary at a Japanese spa with Stassi, someone who had also fallen prey to his habitual cheating. “Don’t be mad, but last night I had sex with him,” Brittany told Stassi. “You are disgusting,” her dear friend replied.
Across town Jax celebrated his anniversary with Tom Sandoval and James Kennedy. Jax and Tom explained to their young friend how the aging process works. Not only does your face wrinkle and joints slowly disintegrate, but also you get limited sex. As Jax explained it the only reason Brittany had a peak in her libido was because she was seething with anger. Treating her with love and respect kept her cold and distant, but sleeping with another woman awakened the animal that lives within her. “Not me,” explained Sandoval. He and Ariana had been suffering through a two-month drought. All he wanted to do was smell her hair and caress her limbs. She wanted him to play less video games and wash his hair.
Schwartz brought Lisa and Ken grocery store flowers and a Get Well Soon balloon so he could apologize on Sandoval’s behalf. “We are so grateful for all you have done,” said Schwartz, though he had technically done nothing wrong. Lisa and Ken had asked little of these two. They required little input on finance, design, management, operations, menu, or licensing, only to borrow their names for the front awning of the establishment. “You literally just have to show up for the restaurant opening and then we don’t ever have to see you again,” they explained.
Stassi had little interest in event planning, just in being wealthy. “Full disclosure,” she whispered, “I hate parties and organizing and basically being around people.”
Raquel began her volunteer job at Lisa’s dog sanctuary. (Puppies ease her anxiety, exclaimed James, while marijuana did the same for him).
Ariana’s horse Walter was the only one she was able to confide in about her problems with Sandoval. “Hey, old boy,” she whispered, “I don’t want to ride his saddle anymore, what do you say I ride yours and we win a couple trophies?” He threw her off the saddle.
The night before Schwartz and Sandoval met with Lisa and Ken to discuss their restaurant plans they swallowed free shots and ate nachos. It was inspiring for them to be in a restaurant owned and operated by SUR’s former manager Michael. “You guys know Schwartz and I are starting a restaurant with Lisa and Ken,” explained Sandoval as Michael quietly gripped the edge of the bar and squeeze his butt cheeks. “No, I had no idea,” he replied, “that makes total sense given your disinterest in working hard, general knowledge about restaurant operations, and horrible work ethic. Congratulations!”
James notified his baby sitters (Peter, Sandoval, Schwartz, and Jax) that he would resume his record-spinning job at SUR in two weeks, the same night as Taco Tuesday. “You got your job back?” the others asked. They were surprised given how busy he was managing his girlfriend’s new TV career. To protect Jax from further sexual mistakes the men gifted him with a plastic vice for his penis. “This should help you manage your problem.”
A group of FBI-adjacent detectives met at Stassi’s apartment to rip apart a piñata, scarf down cheese marinated in beer, and conduct witch experiments sanctioned by the Coven Wikipedia page. Since Katie was technically a witch she was the mistress of ceremonies delegating jobs involving poured wax, lemon wedges, and chicken skewers. They mysteriously all kissed in solidarity.
Before the night concluded Arianna and Kristen reminded Brittany that while they supported any decision she made that it was in her best interest to know Jax cheated more than once. “Let’s call him on speaker phone!” said Scheana who used her talons to dial his number. “Why did you tell me you did it once?” she cried. “What does it matter if I cheated once, twice, or ten times?” he asked. Arianna reminded the others with sign language that she had predicted he would say just the same. The women bandied together to sleep the night in Brittany’s apartment so she would not be alone.
As the night concluded Lala Kent, a woman of glossed lip, large hoops, and stonewashed denim begged for her previous position at the restaurant. She admitted she weaved a web of lies to protect a married boyfriend who was willing to offer her free gifts such as Range Rovers and stiletto boots. Sure, he was willing to buy her a handbag, but she still needed a job to pay the electric and cell phone bill. “You know I have always believed in you,” said Lisa and promised her a few hostess shifts. She warned her that if she stirred up more shitcakes she’d be replaced with someone seeking a spot on a reality show.
Lala infers Schwartz made out with another woman.
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