Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Roast

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Scheana becomes a horrible bridesmaid, Tom braided his hair, and Jax celebrated his birthday with a roast. 

HORRIBLE BRIDESMAID

Scheana was a horrendous bridesmaid. First she violated rule #42 in the Bridesmaid Manual, which was to never complain about the costs associated with being a bridesmaid. If you agree to wear a matching dress at a wedding ceremony you eat the costs and the emotional turmoil that normally comes with it.

Katie’s bridal shower was to be split amongst her ladies in waiting. Rachael would grill up some sliders and mix the potato salad. Stassi would stand in judgment from the fireplace while swilling a glass of white wine. Scheana was to purchase and then stack the Taco Bell burritos on a cake stand. “Why do I have to spend $1,500 on a bridal shower?” Scheana complained to Lisa Vanderpump before an evening shift. Lisa tilted her head in confusion. She had spent $1,500 on napkin rings at her own daughter’s bridal shower. “I was there,” Lisa answered. “You spent that much money on taquitos?” Scheana explained half that cost went to renting someone’s old house for three hours. “I would have liked to be involved in the planning,” replied Scheana.

Then she violated rule #43, don’t ever complain about the cost of being a bridesmaid to the bride. “I don’t have extra money to buy you appetizers or ugly jewelry for your big day.”

Then she violated rule #56; don’t discuss the bride’s alcohol problems. “Do you guys think she has a problem? I mean, haven’t you seen what a disaster she is when she drinks tequila?” Sandoval and Shay nodded in agreement.

She was the worst.

BRAID

Tom Sandoval strapped himself into his gravity inversion boots so that he could complete his 1980s style doorway chin bar routine. As his gray highlights swung in the wind he noted the workout was necessary for the night he had planned. For the anniversary of his birth he would be holding a fun-rager, an event normally held by a bartender over 30 looking to get wasted without guilt because some of the night’s proceeds go to a charity. As a braid stylist waved Tom’s greasy hair between his fingers Ariana wondered how much they could save if they could only braid their hair. “Just imagine it, Tom, if you could style my hair like someone in the 1st grade we wouldn’t have to live like refugees,” noted Ariana.

HATE

Katie and Tom continued their miserable run-up to their marital union by arguing about who had more to drink the previous night while choosing paint colors at a hardware store.

BIRTHDAY PARTY

Despite their torrid seven-year romance Tom invited Kristen to his party. He had come to accept that she would always be in his life, even if she had on occasion caused him to sob on restaurant patios. James Kennedy even swung by despite it being the first night of his high profile job pushing play on his iPod at another Los Angeles restaurant. Scheana was surprised his pageant girlfriend Raquel was on his arm. “Have you told her about Ellie?” she asked. Raquel nodded. “I have told her everything,” James replied. (He had just left out the part where he worked someone else that spring). “It is horrible how people break into his apartment and take selfies while he sleeps,” Raquel replied.

PROBLEMS

Scheana admitted to Ariana at a bar table that she was living in misery. Despite the extra large wedding canvases covering the walls of her apartment she and Shay were not as happily married as she had pretended. When she needed him he was always working on tracks for a make believe album. “Why are you bothering me?” he would scream into the phone. “I am making music!” 

Jax escorted both Brittany and her mother to the soiree. Although she lived in Kentucky in a tanning bed Brittany’s mother Sherri was happy to visit her daughter who was living with someone who couldn’t pay his credit card bills and wore Ann Taylor camisole bra tops.

The night ended with a platter of donuts and Jaegermeister shots. Tom Sandoval raised $8000 for kids who live in Haiti.

MUSIC

James began his job at a Residence Inn somewhere in the Valley. Raquel, his girlfriend with four brain cells and Max, Lisa’s son and Director of Plate Removal at SUR stood beside him in support.

DINNER

For Jax’s birthday he agreed to a roast, which was a surprising decision considering his girlfriend’s mother would be attending. “You already know I was arrested for stealing sunglasses,” he noted the night before while he, Brittany, and her mother gnawed on rib eye bones while out to dinner. Her mother was unfazed because most of the people she knew in Kentucky had spent at least a year in a prison. Instead she entertained him with stories about Brittany as a young girl including the time she threw a G.I. Joes and hoes party in her apartment. “Mom almost got arrested!” Brittany laughed.

ROAST

Kristen insisted he was 40. Ariana noted he would make a great guest on Maury Povich. Katie wore a dress over a t-shirt. Scheana almost stabbed him with her talons. Shay called him fat. Tom Sandoval intimated he does cocaine. Stassi highlighted the times he gave her stolen items. “Hey, wait, he gave me sunglasses!” Brittany’s mom whispered in her ear. Schwartz brought up the fact he has slept with 4 out of 7 of Katie’s bridesmaids and possible a few men. Brittany complained that he sometimes couldn’t get it up.

The only issue that bothered Sherri was that he might have kissed a man.

The night was a success!

NEXT WEEK:

James has a melt down.

Vanderpump Rules, Jax, Recap, Sherri, Brittany

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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