Parenting

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Meet Raquel

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Scheana shut down Lala’s attempts at friendship, James introduced his new girlfriend Raquel, Katie lashed out at Schwartz for seeking therapy, and Jax asked Brittany to make him sandwiches. 

ROOMMATES

Ariana and Tom had not had sex in weeks. She blamed it on the fact her brother Jeremy was occupying a cot in their living room because it was easier than admitting she hated his highlights and French braids. At one time he had been the kind of guy who could sunbathe all afternoon while his abs glistened in the sun. Now he reminded her of someone who appeared against their will in a totally 80s music collection infomercial.

Lala and Ariana had remained friends despite overwhelming evidence she disrespected girl code. The others had agreed she was the kind of girl who would secretly show up to your apartment when you were out of town and sleep with your boyfriend as a way of proving to herself she was still hot. Ariana didn’t seem to mind her because she had decided long ago there was no point to having any friends that were girls.

As Lala pulled up to a restaurant to meet them in her white Range Rover someone else bought for her Tom couldn’t help but notice. “That ride is sick,” he noted. “You must have walked a lot of people to tables to afford that kind of ride.” She nodded and sat sideways on her bar stool. She informed them that James Kennedy had a new girlfriend and she would be staying with him all summer in the penthouse apartment he shared with an older man. “How will he have sex with her when his bed his hidden behind a screen door in the dining room?” Lala asked. Ariana and Tom looked at each other and laughed. “It can be done,” Tom said before launching into an explanation of how he has had sex in an airplane bathroom. “You have done that?” Ariana asked while secretly laughing inside. She knew the truth.

LOYALTY

Back at SUR Lala tried her best to communicate with Scheana as she rolled up silverware for tables she would never actually serve. “Are you guys working the garden party tonight?” Lala asked. “I am sorry to inform you that while I respect your work as a hostess I am unable to discuss more than table settings out of respect to Katie,” Scheana explained before walking into a freezer. Katie, Stassi, and Kristen were drinking at the time back at Kristen’s apartment and were happy to receive a text from Scheana confirming her loyalty. It was about time she showed some respect to the girl group, Katie and Stassi noted forgetting their own fight about loyalty one-year prior.

GG

In other SUR related news a hostess named GG finally found her opportunity to let the world know she had made out with a child-sized restaurant DJ. She walked to each workstation to notify them she was no longer able to live in the shadows (especially if it meant she could be part of any subsequent spin-off shows). “You made out with the hostess GG?” LaLa asked James. He swallowed the rest of his Plum Organics food squeeze package and unbuckled himself from the booster chair behind the DJ stand. He walked up to the bar and shared a shot of whiskey with Tom while Ken Todd watched him from the front door. Lisa and Ken were finally done.

VENEEERS

Kristen celebrated the success of her t-shirt line and having maintained a relationship longer than six months with brand new veneers. The tooth upgrade would also, she explained, keep her hot, which is the most valuable investment a woman in Los Angeles can make. Scheana who had her own veneer upgrade explained to her that not a day goes by that she doesn’t think about her new teeth. (She also pointed out she’s had plenty of injections, but has never had plastic surgery despite a questionable new nose). Between her teeth and her colored contacts there was nothing that could stop her, including a missing husband.

SANDWICHES

Jax and Brittany had weathered the storm of Kristengate, but the tension remained. He resented the way he paid for all of her credit card bills when she wasn’t willing to make him sandwiches. “I have no problem paying off your Forever 21 credit card, because I am a traditional man. I do, however, expect to see some sort of food on the counter when I get home from an appearance,” he added while vacuuming algae from a child sized aquarium. “I don’t understand him sometimes,” Brittany explained in her confessional as her jugs kept jumping out of her tie-up top.

RAQUEL

James met his girlfriend Raquel at SUR on New Year’s Eve mid-shift. He was intrigued by her long cascading hair and the fact she had one various pageant titles including Miss Paradise Cove, Lady of Sonoma, and Miss California Bandage Dress. Though she was a college junior studying how to get on television with a minor in Instagram fashion she would spend her summer living at home, close enough to SUR where she would make frequent appearances. “She works with special needs kids,” James explained of his girlfriend’s volunteer work and pageant platform issue. Then he suggested Kristen was special needs. James, however, had bigger fish to fry; he was about to be fired. Raquel, who only pretended to like a man with a baby body and yellow teeth to be on TV, assured him that all would be fine. “Yes, you are right,” he told her. He believed her until he met with Lisa and she fired him. “They’re just jealous of me Lisa,” James tried to reason. “They have to serve fried chicken and I am blasting Beyoncé.” He forgot in that moment that Lisa’s son (and his best friend) bussed tables.

KATIE AND SCHWARTZ

Back at the romance capitol of West Hollywood Schwartz sat beside Katie on their living room couch. He measured his words about his fears about marriage because he knew it would only make her angry. “If she is drinking she goes to the dark place,” he explained to a therapist he saw weekly without Katie’s knowledge. She encouraged him to open up conversation by letting her know he wanted to understand her rage. “Uh, not good,” Schwartz replied noting he slept many nights with one eye open holding an axe. As suspected Katie threw down her adult coloring books and the wine she was guzzling. “How can you say I have a dark side? You never listen to me. It’s like talking to a wall!” Then she walked into the kitchen, opened up the fridge, and took out a container filled with lettuce slathered in blue cheese. Schwartz stared at a wall while Katie swallowed the lettuce beside the counter.

GROOMSMAN

Despite mounting tension between he and Katie Schwartz did the unthinkable, he asked Ariana to be a groomsman. “I know my fiancé sort of hates you, but you are like a bro to me,” he said. “Take this piece of meat I rubbed on my junk as a request for you to stand beside me – man to man – at the altar on my marital union day.” She enthusiastically said yes.

NEXT WEEK:

Katie flips out.

Vanderpump Rules, recap, James, Raquel, Lisa, Jax

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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