Vanderpump Rules

Vanderpump Rules Recap: The Prenup

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This week on Vanderpump Rules James gets busted for cheating, Katie and Schwartz do their prenup, and Scheana complains.

HYPNO THERAPY

Tom Sandoval casually mentioned to Lisa Vanderpump over cosmopolitan testing that he had become James Kennedy’s life coach. “I will be meeting with James and a hypno therapist to help James deal with his emotions,” he said. “He gets worked up and gets destructive,” Tom explained. Basically James handled stressful and non-stressful situations the same way; like that of a toddler, which wasn’t a surprise since he also had the body of one. “When he is sober he is different,” Lisa added.

JAMES

Meanwhile across town James had lunch with his mother Jacqueline. “The thing is my mum and I haven’t talked much since she and my dad decided to get a divorce,” James said. He lacked the emotional capacity to understand complex life circumstances like when two middle-aged adults end a marriage or why a restaurant owner wouldn’t want his house DJ to smack someone across the face. Though his mother rarely heard from him she was pleased he would be rapping on stage at another hotel gig. “Can I come?” she asked. She was also happy with his new girlfriend Raquel, a pageant contestant with thin lips. “I love her,” she reasoned, “because she has a light that shines within.” As James explained it he could bring models home to his sparsely decorated apartment any night of the week. They would need to be legally blind or wasted, but he could do it. He just chose to be with Raquel because she was dynamite.

GOODBYE

Brittany’s mother packed up her caboodle so that she could return to Kentucky. Before she left she made certain to ask Jax whether he had a history of kissing gentleman friends. (It surprised Jax that of all the issues discussed at his roast that kissing a man was her largest concern). “Are you sure that he has never cheated on you?” Brittany’s mother asked her as she folded and packed a pair of bedazzled jeans into her small suitcase. “Yes, I’m sure,” Brittany, replied, “because I have been with him every step of the way.” That was precisely Jax’s complaint. She never left his side. He couldn’t even drop a load without her standing in the doorway. “Ya need anything, sweet thang?”

The problem was Brittany had a different sort of upbringing. “I am from a conservative family,” she said. “My mamaw and papaw never had a drink, which is weird to say since Jax and I guzzle liters of grain alcohol weekly. My mom had no idea about these rumors about Jax because she doesn’t own a TV. She owns an in-home tanning bed, but not a TV.”

“I wish I could get you an Uber,” said Jax to her mother, “but I have stuff I need to do tonight like use the restroom and catch up on Scientology the Aftermath.” She would not get the answers she wanted and needed. “Instead of attacking me,” Jax screamed at Brittany, “I am going to leave. Maybe you could tell your mom instead about how I have paid for your moderate lifestyle by allowing you to sit all day on a jean couch?” She and her mom were horrified. “She’s changed,” Jax insisted. “She was never like this until she started spending time with girls who have opinions.” Brittany’s mother assured him she was the same girl from Winchester, Kentucky give or take a breast enhancement. She suggested they go to church to work it out.

NOT OKAY

At SUR Katie spent her assistant shift helping non-union painters decorate the restaurant walls in lilac. She shared with Lisa how Scheana violated bridesmaid rules by complaining about the cost of the bridesmaid responsibilities. Tom Schwartz took his groomsmen (and lady dude Arianna) to get their tux fittings. “We’re going for a woodsy elegance theme,” said Tom. The bridesmaids enjoyed a lunch highlighted by Scheana passing an envelope of cash across the table and Brittany complaining about the way Jax disrespected her in front of her mother. “Oh, I get that, sister,” said Stassi. They decided to celebrate the bachelor/bachelorette in New Orleans based on Stassi’s ability to get them into places for free and because several lacked a passport to allow them to freedom to leave the country. “Last year Stassi was begging to talk to Katie, and now she thinks she’s the maid of honor,” said Scheana. But as most people who view this show would note, expressing to the bride that you don’t want to spend your cash on events celebrating her wedding doesn’t exactly make you one either.

THE PRENUP

It was bad enough that Katie and Schwartz fought when drunk. Things only got worse when they visited an attorney to go over their prenup. “Right now as we speak they are meeting with someone,” noted Tom Sandoval. (He and Scheana traveled to a horse farm that watch Ariana ride). “I would never ask Shay to sign a prenup,” said Scheana, “what I have is his.” (Months later she would divorce him and claim that he spent all her money). The attorney cost $2,500, a fee that ate into their checking and savings accounts. “Let’s start with you telling me about your current assets,” said the attorney dressed like the membership director at a smoke filled retirement center. They had a few shekels between them, which made the attorney laugh with delight. “You want to split two marbles and a stack of magazine?” They would agree to share custody of their dogs.

CHURCH

Brittany tried to convince Jax it was in his best interest to attend church regularly. Perhaps it would help with his anger issues, fear of commitment, and propensity to sleep with other women. Jax was concerned that attending a church service would result in him being doused with holy water or having someone chant to him about keeping his elbows off the table.

DJ DREAMS

Later that week James made his debut DJ performance at a bar in West Hollywood. Wedged into a booth were Ariana and Tom, Scheana, and James’ enemy Jax. “I am surprised to see you here,” said Tom Sandoval. “I am here because I have interior motives,” he replied. (It was uncertain if that meant wallpapering the club’s bathrooms). “Yeah, yeah, guys, okay, okay, let’s go,” James rapped while wearing a t-shirt that had been destroyed in a lawnmower accident. His girlfriend Raquel danced in circles beside the stage.

The wind began to howl once Kristen arrived. “What the f—?” said Tom Sandoval to a brick wall. You could hear people scream in the distance. It all started to make sense once GG and Ellie arrived, two women who were not only trained in the art of seating people at tables but had allowed James to penetrate them despite his small frame. “I have heard a lot about you,” Raquel could be heard saying. “I know that you are obsessed with my boyfriend,” said the Connie Britton look-alike. “I don’t blame you girl.” But could you blame them, Raquel? Why would adult women want to have ex with someone with angel pasta arms and the legs of a Mattel doll? Raquel was easily 4 inches taller. GG could bench press him. Ellie could swaddle him.

CHEATING

Raquel refused to believe their cheating accusations. “Aren’t you as Miss California supposed to be about feminism?” asked GG. (She was unaware that Raquel’s pageant focused more on body fat and breast circumference). James jumped off the stage into Raquel’s arms. “Hey, what’s going on here? I see my groupies are here.” GG and Ellie provided for him a Hallmark bag filled with his bibs, one of his onesies, and a cute pair of capris. “This is what you left at my house,” said GG before slapping him. “Jax, come see this!” screamed Kristen. A group of Gremlins pulled James from the women. He needed to get back on stage so he could press play and lip sync to his own tracks. “You knew he had a girlfriend,” screamed Tom Sandoval.

James thanked Kristen and Jax for coming and then promptly turned around and threw a cocktail glass at Jax’s head causing him to jump into the crowd. Outside the club Tom Sandoval accused Jax and Kristen of instigating the fight, even suggesting Jax was the one who threw the cocktail glass. “Why are you guys here?” he screamed. “This is not a good look,” he said while his gray highlights flickered in the streetlights.

Also Notable: Ariana wept over the loss of her only childhood friend, a horse named Raven.

NEXT WEEK:

Tom Sandoval and Jax dress up in drag.

Vanderpump Rules, Prenup, Schwartz, Katie, Jax

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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