Show Recaps

Masquerade: Vanderpump Rules Recap

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This week on the season premiere of Vanderpump Rules Scheana threw a masquerade party, but left Stassi and Kristen off the guest list and a vicious rumor about Jax and Faith threatens to destroy his relationship.

THE MASQUERADE

In the nine months since the reunion was filmed not much had changed for the wait staff-adjacent at SUR.

ARIANA

Ariana chopped her hair. There were no real career developments, she had just freed herself from the constraints of synthetic doll hair purchased on eBay and bonded with eyelash glue.

TOM TOM

Tom Sandoval had saved enough money living in a rent controlled half way house to put a $100,000 investment toward a restaurant aptly named Tom Tom, but basically fully funded by Lisa Vanderpump and her husband Ken. Tom Schwartz would also be a partner as long as he was also able to put down an investment of equal amount. This seemed implausible since last season he had $78.53 in his bank account. Despite Tom Sandoval’s concerns about the restaurant, including the amount of space available for a restroom and the logistics involved with having waiters deliver food from a spiral stairway, Lisa and Ken were clear that Tom Tom would be a reflection of their taste. They did not have interest in hand crafted drinks, sexy TVs, nostalgia, or comfortable seating. Tom Tom, a restaurant and bar named after two men who have modeled pant suits would have a romantic industrial feel with waiters serving drinks in halter dresses and fanny packs.

SCHEANA WITHOUT SHAY

Scheana had moved on from her short-lived marriage to a mute DJ with an addiction to pills. She had a torrid love affair with Robert between Eddie Cibrian and her first marriage and had recently rekindled their flame. She was certain that once the divorce paperwork was filed she would remarry quickly, and undoubtedly in a crop top.

It was no surprise that Scheana and Katie were no longer speaking. Their slow shift apart began the day she complained about the money she would have to spend on Katie’s bridal shower and ended when Scheana noted Katie had no real friends. “It wasn’t an insult,” Scheana insisted. A rage filled text exchange ensued and now they were left standing beside each other at a service bar. What has happened to us, thought Katie? Months ago you stood beside me in a gown that didn’t necessarily flatter your figure in a clearing in the woods perfect for a fall wedding or hiding a dead body. Now we are two strangers asking for mojitos with mic pacs jammed down our thongs. Scheana explained she was not invited to her birthday party because the list was small and also because she hated her.

JAMES

James and his friend Logan spent plenty of time together in the off-season going to bars, listening to music and doing mud masks. That all changed when James’ pageant girlfriend Raquel, a former pageant contestant with a desire to be on TV returned from her “studies.” James spruced up the place for her summer stay by washing the semen off his walls and replacing his rugs. Logan, who was obviously in love with him, walked away with tears welled up in his eyes.

JAX AND BRITTANY

Jax and Brittany had a good few months together after they returned from Kentucky. He still had zero plans to marry her, but he was at least pleased with the fact that she had been going to the gym and ordering less meatballs.

Schwartz and Jax lived down the hall from one another, close enough that Jax could borrow a beer or a jar of Vaseline. It was no surprise when Jax popped in the day that Stassi notified the others that she was back together with Patrick, her boyfriend whom has never appeared on camera. They laughed about the fact Scheana only takes photos from the same angle and how she still lives in an apartment designed for an 11-year-old girl with large canvases of her face.

MASQUERADE

Scheana’s masquerade party was less about her birthday and more about assuring the world that her new relationship was perfect. Lisa reminded her that the last time they spoke about her eternal happiness she was privately living in misery. “Slow down,” Lisa told her as Scheana smiled and clutched onto Robert.

Sandoval wore a pirate shirt. James manned the turntables. Kristen worried Scheana was moving too soon in her relationship. Lisa and Ken graced the others with their presence. Stassi and Katie shared a romantic dinner while Schwartz left for the Scheana’s party. He was the only one she still enjoyed.

FAITH

Sandoval’s friend Adam ran into Faith, Max Todd’s old girlfriend and the SUR employee who purchased his old black couch. She confessed to him she had been sleeping with Jax, which was no surprise to anyone who has been watching this show.  She arrived at Scheana’s party hoping to drink a few cocktails, get some time on camera, offer herself in a three way, and then dash Brittany’s hopes for a joyful future.

Although Brittany was convinced they were moving in the right direction, James asked Faith if they had been intimate. While a vein throbbed on Jax’s forehead across the room Sandoval asked Jax the same. Faith explained it had just happened so fast. There she was taking care of an elder patient when Jax thrust his way through the door and into her slacks. He forgot to pull out before it was too late. She had yet to get her menstrual period. “I think Faith would have the baby,” explained James. God help that potential baby.

Meanwhile by the unisex bathroom Brittany was notified of the developments while wearing a facemask. “Apparently Jax fu—ed faith,” Brittany told Schwartz the minute he walked into the party. “I never heard anything of the sort,” said Schwartz. Jax and Faith had an eye fight. “I feel like I am in the twilight zone,” said Lisa. Brittany reminded him that if the news were true she would take their unfortunately named dogs back to Kentucky. It was obvious he secretly hoped she would.

This season on Vanderpump Rules: Jax throws Schwartz’s phone.

Vanderpump Rules, Recap, Masquerade, Faith, Jax

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

6 Comments

  1. Bill Crane

    December 5, 2017 at 5:21 am

    I have myself convinced that I only watch this shit show so I can full enjoy your recaps. This is probably 90% true :).

  2. Donna Shell

    December 5, 2017 at 9:06 am

    Left stassi and katie off the guestlist, not kristen.

  3. Rebecca Warren

    December 5, 2017 at 10:59 am

    I always love the “this season” or “next week” parts at the end, always an excellent finish. Love how blunt you are in your writing, genuinely laughing out loud!

    Also so excited that vanderpump is back!!

    • mm

      Kate

      December 11, 2017 at 9:07 pm

      Thank you!

  4. Shannon Scott

    December 10, 2017 at 7:23 am

    That was such a hilarious and accurate recap! I found myself laughing out loud all the way through it!!

    • mm

      Kate

      December 11, 2017 at 9:07 pm

      Thank you!

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