Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Cold Feet

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Schwartz admits to cold feet and Scheana learns a rumor about Lala.

COLD FEET

Tom was having second thoughts. It was not that he wanted to hurt Katie; he just was incapable of withholding his secret thoughts. When he suggested to her as soon as they got off the plane in Lake Tahoe, or in front of their wedding planner, or in front of the salesman at a car dealer that they instead elope it was because he was calculating how far they would go into debt getting married in the woods. Was it necessary to spend thousands of dollars on table linens and signature martinis, especially when you can just get a wedding certificate from a Las Vegas chapel? They were on different pages. Tom was a cheap-erson, someone who collected ketchup packets from a diner or collected soaps from hotels. He was someone who cried in the bathroom alone after watching a Hallmark commercial. He believed in rainbows and unicorns. Katie delighted in the details. She enjoyed a bedazzled napkin ring. She rolled her eyes when Tom talked about his “feelings” or how he had “hopes and dreams” for the future. “We’re getting married in the woods, do we really need flowers?” Tom asked her. “I would like a beautiful table covered in roses and wine glasses,” she replied but noted to Trisha the wedding planner that a stump of wood as a centerpiece was unacceptable. Then she gripped the skin on the back of Tom’s arms and whispered to walk behind her.

WEDDING PLANNING

After Katie explained that she would have 8 bridesmaids and that theme of the nuptials would be sexy woodsy elegance Trish the wedding planner explained it would cost $24,000, well past their original budget. “Really, Trish? What if people just drink from Solo cups and get El Pollo Loco?” Tom asked. He also warned her Jax would probably try to hump her behind a redwood tree at some point during the reception. Trish made a mental note to discuss the meeting in an Internet chat room later that week. What a-holes want a cheap wedding when they are on a primetime reality television show?

Once they returned to Los Angeles they took a joy ride in a Porsche. Schwartz discussed his fears and Katie asked him to get his junk fixed. “It works just fine,” Schwartz whispered.

 

CARDIO

In Los Angeles Tom Sandoval and Arianna, both in fresh eye makeup and coordinating gym attire met James Kennedy at a local gym. “I’ve got to maintain my beach body,” Sandoval explained as leave-in conditioner glistened in his wet hair. James lifted 50-pound weights, which were significantly more than his body weight, and complained that Lisa Vanderpump had him fired. There had been no one in the history of SUR who had been fired, not even Jax who had admitted to having sex in the freezer and stealing half the silverware. What would James be without a job at Sur? Who would play show tunes during happy hour? The upside was he would no longer run into the host GG who had let everyone know they had slept together one night after their shifts had ended. “You mean you didn’t hook up with her?” asked Sandoval. “Of course not,” said James as he kicked an empty condom wrapper that had fallen out of his pocket underneath a piece of gym equipment. “I love my girlfriend,” he explained, though he could not at the moment remember her name.

GIGS

After hearing that his wedding would cost more than $400 Tom Schwartz started booking modeling gigs. “You want me to stuff a piece of produce in my underwear so it looks like I have a normal sized penis?” he said to the photographer at a shoot. “Fine, if this pays for the invitations,” he replied.

Jax was late to work, which was not a huge surprise. He was never on time, typically giving absurd explanations like he’d got his heel caught in a sewer grate, he couldn’t find his scooter, or he’d passed out in an alley. Lala left the host stand to speak with Lisa beside her new Rolls Royce. “Nice, car,” Lala noted. “I hear your car is nice too,” said Lisa, “and that it’s from your married boyfriend,” she added. “Me?” Lala asked. “No, I would never sleep with someone who was happily married,” she added because the truth was he was obviously not happy if he needed her to provide him pleasure on the side.

DATE NIGHT

Sandoval and Arianna had the night off. They took Tom’s Schwinn to a Mexican restaurant for a date night. As Arianna rode the back peg she let the smell of his hairspray waft in her face. As flies collected in her teeth she reminded herself how lucky she was to be with someone who could wear a similar sized jean and that they shared a love of living in an apartment that looked like it was in Beirut. One day they would buy a house that had an air conditioning system that worked year round, even when the microwave door was open. They could live in that house and braid each other’s hair. Sandoval thought it was strange that she would agree to a 30-year mortgage, but not to standing in the middle of the woods in a gown surrounded by 8 friends in taffeta dresses. Didn’t every woman want that? They agreed Tom and Katie would never have the relationship they had.

Though they were not part of the main cast Ellie and Tiffany had hopes they would. It had kept Ellie up at night for years. How many plates of goat cheese balls do I have to deliver before someone puts me on TV? She saw her shot that March when she had sex with James behind the screen of an old man’s penthouse apartment. She would seal the opportunity with a selfie displaying his small back covered in baby acne to prove her story angle. She kept those pictures a secret until a hike that summer with Lala. “You slept with him, Ellie?” she asked failing to remember she had also slept with James.

THEY DESERVED IT

Later over drinks the gang discussed James getting fired, which Ariana and Sandoval found unfair. Kristen tried to explain how much James deserved to be fired. “He’s an awful person,” she explained erasing from her memory the year they were lovers. Ariana pointed out Kristen was also someone one could perceive as awful. “I have seen you punch various people,” Ariana said as a video montage played of Kristen punching people in the face.

IRONY

In related awful people news Scheana met with Ellie to get more details about the morning she slept with James. She also inquired about Lala’s married boyfriend, despite erasing from memory that she slept with Eddie Cibrian before he married a country music star. She explained the photographic proof Ellie provided her over cocktails at Kristen’s house. Over sliced cucumbers still in the plastic packaging and shots of whiskey they laughed at how the wife of Lala’s married boyfriend found out about the affair via sexts. Again, Scheana failed to see the irony.

Lala visited James as he worked on new tracks while riding a skateboard. She let him know gently that there was photographic evidence to prove he had cheated on his pageant girlfriend. He insisted it was a lie and that date stamps were easy to fake, had she never seen Dateline?

NEXT WEEK:

Ariana wants to write a cocktail book.

Cold Feet, Vanderpump Rules, Tom Schwartz, Katie Maloney

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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