Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Absinthe Minded

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This week on Vanderpump Rules Lala exposed a secret about Schwartz and Jax and James got wasted on absinthe. 

THE MORNING AFTER

The witches of West Hollywood spent the night of the Brittany and Jax debacle holed up in their apartment practicing strip tease routines. In the morning, once they arose from their deep slumber, they ordered Taco Bell delivery in keeping with the show’s endorsement contractual obligations. It was not what Jax expected, having so many women seated around his ottoman with hot sauce dripping from their lips. He had worked so hard shopping at Home Goods to make the apartment a home. He resented them for leaving behind a trail of burrito wrappers, eyelash pieces, and empty beer bottles. “You don’t look devastated,” he screamed at Brittany as he surveyed the destruction they left in his bathroom. “How could you?” they all chanted from the living room. Then again they knew Jax, so this seemed par for the course.

DEAL MAKING

As Lisa and Ken waited for Schwartz and Sandoval on the patio of their home they wondered if the two would ever understand the great sacrifice they were making aligning themselves with two guys on a reality show with almost no money in savings. The two men had virtually no restaurant management or investment experience, but they happened to have the same name, which looked spiffy on an awning. They ran through several lyrics of Lose Yourself by Eminem and then greeted an already annoyed Lisa and Ken as they sat impatiently on their purple patio deck cushions. They were only able to offer them three twigs, a marble, and a walnut for ownership in their forthcoming lounge. After a short and painful negotiation they all threw their hands into a circle and rejoiced in the fine dining possibilities. “This is my first business adventure,” exclaimed Schwartz. No one had the heart to explain to him it was a business venture.

The others were surprised any deal was struck between the two Toms and Lisa and Ken. Hadn’t they ever met those two? What exactly would be their investment? Does it matter if you rarely show up because you are sleeping in a puddle of spilled daiquiris? “Congratulations, I guess,” said Ariana who had been circling in red the days on the calendar she had hoped to break it off with Sandoval.

THE MISTAKE

Lala and Scheana had grown close based on shared life experiences and a deep admiration for staring at their own faces. Lala, clad in a muumuu emblazoned with her face launched into a tirade against Katie once Scheana revealed there were still suggestions Lala was the trophy girlfriend of a Hollywood producer, a married one nonetheless. (Yes, she has a man. Yes, he flies her private. “You can too, explained Lala, if you are not ugly and have tits.”) “Does she want to get popped?” asked Lala as she pointed her talons into the shape of a handgun. “I know I don’t want to get popped,” screamed Ariana from behind a display of wedge boots. Lala in return brought to light allegations that Schwartz had made out with a mutual friend while on holiday in New York. He was so intoxicated, she alleged, that he kept calling the stranger by his wife’s nickname and then proceeded to make out with her. “It’s an easy mistake to make, kissing and fondling someone who looks mildly like the woman you married,” said no one ever.  Ariana promised herself to get to the bottom of it within the day and only if it was on camera.

GUILLERMO

Stassis’ first foray into event planning was the first hard work she had ever done. “Who knew finding flowers and buying a cake were so tedious?” she wondered. Her biggest contribution to Guillermo’s non-surprise birthday party was a station she set in a corner with directions in oversized font to write a message to him to be kept in a journal he would probably never open. Several ex-employees were invited including Kristen. The owners made Brittany serve trays of appetizers to her friends. She could barely hold up her tray because of the weight of her tears.

ABSINTHE

Jax was on the other side of town drinking absinthe with James, which caused them both to hallucinate. He noted he had been having the most enjoyable hate sex for several days and worried it would end. He liked living with Mother Teresa, but at some point wanted to get down dirty with someone else on the side to stay interested. “Do you think you could have an open relationship?” asked James. “Absolutely not,” replied Jax.

THE REVEAL

At the party Ariana pulled Schwartz aside to notify him of the rampant rumors. Rather than get rattled he ran through the moments he had spent at a hotel in New York earlier that year. He remembered most of the evening, except the point in the night when he pushed his tongue down another woman’s throat. “What is this I am hearing?” asked Katie. “It’s the weirdest thing, they are saying that when I was in New York I was with another woman but I was totally wasted, so it doesn’t really matter.” Katie grew agitated. Hadn’t they been through this enough times? How many times can your husband conveniently black out? “Why do you this, Tom?” she asked. Sandoval kicked himself for missing this on his watch.

It occurred to Lisa that night that she may have agreed to partner with someone with a drinking problem. Could she afford to align herself with someone who passed out regularly? Then she remembered he wasn’t really a partner. Did it matter to the executives at Burger King if the Burger King was always passed out in a corner? It was just a name. Tom Tom would still be a hit if Schwartz regularly made out with women that were not his wife during business hours, in fact it would only help business! She made peace with this and left with Ken for the night.

NEXT WEEK:

In the midst of planning her second wedding Scheana finds out Robert has been cheating on her.

Vanderpump Rules, Absinthe, Schwartz, Jax, Katie

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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