Show Recaps

Vanderpump Rules Premiere Recap

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Changes

Everyone had grown up, Jax explained. It had been three months and they were all still waiters, but they had evolved. The restaurant had not changed, but they were now wearing matching dresses from Justice. So things were really coming together.

Kristen and Tom

Kristen was in new digs, deep into the Hollywood jungle. She was still dating her 22-year-old boyfriend James, a Brit who bussed tables by day and jim-jammed at night spinning records for people at restaurants who were no longer serving onion rings because the kitchen was closed. Tom and Arianna were still together because they shared one mutual love: him. The fact that Kristen still worked the evening shift with them did not matter. They were adults, after all. Grown ups can stand beside each other at the computer logging in orders for their table section even if they loathe each other. Tom and Arianna would just show up at night, slip on their aprons, deliver a few burgers, and then go home to brush each other’s hair by candle light anyway. But Kristen had not forgiven Tom for sleeping with Arianna. So she would spend her free time trolling Instagram and twitter so she could find possible information about his vacations to places like Las Vegas, Branson, Missouri, and Fire Island.

Tom had slept with a girl named AnnMarie, Kristen explained. He had been so intent on making out with her he was willing to take things to the next level even if she had been in in the middle of her monthly cycle. Even if it meant it would happen on top of a urinal in a bathroom without an attendant who guilted you into tipping them even if all they did was hand you a paper towel or offer to spritz you with perfume she probably stole from a motel.

Scheana and Jax

It’s All Happening for Scheana. She’s still slinging margaritas, but things are happening. Jax and Tom have come to peace. It took three months of serving blazing strawberries before they spoke to each other, but they were now at a point where they could share tips. Jax was seeing two different emotionally delayed women and looking forward to his nose surgery, which he was getting for free and because he had a “deviated septum.

Stassi

Stassi had returned to the City of Angels because her boyfriend got transferred and because no restaurants in New York City were hiring. She was not looking forward to apologizing to Lisa for leaving the restaurant biz because at one point she wanted to have a career that did not involve asking someone how he or she wanted his or her steak cooked.

Lisa

Lisa was busy opening her new restaurant Pump, a sexual spot with sensual food items on the menu like salmon tartare and cabbage. Villa Blanca was where you take your wife. Sur is where you take your mistress. But Pump, that would be the place you take your colleagues from the men’s choir. It had become a laborious process that cost twice the amount. But she remained confident that after planting trees, hanging chandeliers, and installing enough of toilets that it would become a huge success.

Falling Part

But things began to unravel when the story about Tom’s adventures in Las Vegas became public. While Kristen insisted she was over Tom she did not want to shat on any dream he had for happiness. It was why she would slash his tires and watch him sleep from a tree beside his apartment. She was happy now with James. She didn’t think it was weird at all that people thought she was his aunt. She didn’t seem to care that at one point James and Tom had big plans to be pop stars.

They all would go out for Scheana’s 55th birthday. The evening started with light salads, but an Instagram fight would change things. How can you stay civilized when a group of people is taunting you with poses on a social media platform? So Tom would demand answers. Why would he pursue a woman wearing padding? And then Tom would reach over and grab James by the chin and they would drop to the ground in a melodramatic dance sequence.

Why Tom? Why?

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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