Parenting

A Realistic Baby Registry

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Let me be the first of many to congratulate you on your pregnancy. As you begin to compile your baby registry this mother of four children would like to offer you some advice.

I know that your friends and the lady at the baby store will make suggestions, but some of them will be ridiculous. Despite what they might say, you won’t need 32 bottles or plastic bags to accommodate an industrial sized freezer full of breast milk. Chances are low that you will ever use an anal thermometer or a lighted nail clipper. While they may be adorable, those baby shoes will never be worn. You will use that bumbo seat once and that bottle warmer maybe twice.

So before you start adding unreasonable items like a heated diaper wipe warmer or a breast brace, consider the following essential items sometimes unavailable at your baby retailer. You will thank me later.

REALISTIC BABY REGISTRY ITEMS

1. A case of Advil. Helpful for inflammation caused by sore nipples and loud children.

2. Bottles of red wine, specifically a bold Malbec.

3. A treadmill, because you should always throw in a big ticket item for rich relatives.

4. A couple boxes of tampons, because it saves you a trip to the CVS at the crack of dawn.

5. Lulemon yoga pants, because you will soon forego fashion for comfort.

6. A juicer, which can sit in the cabinet next to the waffle maker, rice cooker, and cashmere baby sweater.

7. A cell phone charger, because you will drain plenty of battery taking 50 pictures of your new baby sitting in one position.

8. A pad lock to hide from everyone.

9. A gift certificate to your chiropractor to undue the body cramping.

10. A plane ticket to meet your college girlfriends once you’ve stopped breastfeeding.

Baby Registry, Babies

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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