There Goes The Motherhood Recap: Stefanie Sings
On the season finale of There Goes The Motherhood Stefanie faced her fear of singing, Meghan potty trained her daughter, Beth found a new house, and Jen decided to pursue a baby on her own.
BETTER VERSION OF ME
Stefanie shared with her daughter a love of sparkle, purple hair clip-on extensions, and powdering your face with unwashable paint. “It’s okay, I did that when I was your age,” she said. She was apprehensive about her return to the stage after a 14-year hiatus. The only performance she had done in the last decade was a serenade at a family wedding. Does it count when your brother asks you to sing I’ll Be Watching You by The Police for the first dance? (You know it’s a song about stalking, she told him). “You know I will be singing before a live audience in a few days?” she asked her daughter. “Do you want to hear mom’s power ballad about facing your fears after taking time to become a wife and mother? It’s a feminist statement about maintaining your send of self while raising children in the modern era.” Ella had absolutely no idea what she was talking about, but she enjoyed the chorus.
As Jen and her son Rivers looked out from the pier as the sun began to set she thought about her summer. It had been a long journey looking for a male companion, particularly one willing to provide her with some fresh sperm in a sterile sample cup. One day she would provide her son with another sibling, that she knew for sure. After some meditation she met with a fertility doctor to make sure she had plenty of eggs ripe for baby making. She was overwhelmed with gratitude when her personality-less doctor assured her she had plenty of opportunity to grow a baby in her lady sac.
Beth finally found a home that would accommodate her four kids, their dog, and her collection of wedge heels and statement jewelry. It would not be the life she once led, but it meant not being married to someone she wanted to punch in the face. She had grown through the process.
Meghan was thrilled when her daughter finally chose to use the restroom instead of disposable underwear that allows one to defecate or urinate, without the use of a toilet. She awarded her with candy.
Leah took her daughter to a facility that promotes child labor in the fashion industry. Making clothes was something she had shared with her own mother, but wanted her daughter to have the experience minus feeling like she was a supporting actress in the movie Mommie Dearest.
On the day of Stefanie’s performance they all gathered in The Viper Room in West Hollywood. “Where are the children?” she asked. Her husband let her know he asked the staff to sweep the floor of broken glass and pills beforehand. “You’ve got a great groove and pitch,” he assured her. “Let’s make this happen.” Her kids came through the back exit. Ellington wore a suit because after the performance he would negotiate her new contract with the record label and talent agency. The others embraced her making sure not to smudge her perfect makeup. Everyone she loved was there to see her, which only added to her stress. “You know what is happening now Ella?” she asked her daughter. “Mom has fluid running down her leg. I might actually shart in my fancy pants.”
As they waited for the performance Leah and Bill asked Jen to be a sister wife and Nick guzzled several glasses of alcohol before he had to head back to the cemetery.
When Stefanie began to sing the whole room became filled with joy. There you go, Stef, just dust off the pipes. Mama still has it! Her parents jammed in the front row and her new sister friends threw their fists into the air. Life should not end because our boobs are saggy and we will probably need vaginal rejuvenation surgery. We can still have hopes and dreams! They were all better versions of the women they were before children restricted them for rocking all night long.
At their last mom assembly meeting they congratulated Stefanie for facing her fears. Jen admitted she would pursue another baby on her own terms. Leah thanked everyone for allowing her to discuss her emotional turmoil. Beth would be pursuing an amicable divorce outside the courts. Meghan’s daughter was now wearing princess underwear.
They all drank champagne.
Jill closed the door, turned off the lights, and called her husband. I am coming home now; do you still need me to pick up some toilet paper and dishwasher detergent? ROMANCE.