There Goes The Motherhood Recap: Lying
This week on There Goes The Motherhood Stefanie and Leah came to Beth’s defense when Jen and Alisa accused Beth of lying about having a nanny, Jill helped Meghan try to potty train her daughter, and Leah hosted an etiquette party for kids.
Meghan rolled over and asked Nick to close the curtains. He reminded her it was time to go back to their kids who had spent the night trapped in his parent’s basement. “Do we have to?” she asked as she folded her breast back underneath the sheet. The room had been destroyed. It was as if White Snake had an after party but the only guests were a couple with three kids in Palos Verdes. It was good for them to get away at least once every six years. If anything Nick would hold onto that memory of Meghan standing at the sliding glass doors to the patio of Shade Hotel in a negligee dress that barely covered her areolas. Here I come, she told him. I am your lady bride who is still capable of brushing her hair and applying makeup. It would take him into the work week back at the cemetery.
Alisa and Jen had grown close. They were both single moms bonded by the hope they could reclaim sexual activity if they had enough time away from play dates and preschool to find an eligible bachelor online. Alisa instructed Jen to stop wearing long blouses one would only wear if applying for a job at Chico’s. She had great jugs and therefore wearing clothes that highlighted them would only help her situation.
BACK AT IT
Meghan and Nick got right back into the swing of things. Hattie wasn’t potty trained and the boys were always trying to punch each other in the deep end of the swimming pool.
That week at Mommy Group Jill asked everyone to talk about what had happened that week. Meghan was happy to report she had sexual intercourse at a hotel in Manhattan Beach. Stefanie was discovering she probably should get help for Ellington who lived in fear dogs would eat his face. “I can help with that,” said Jill. “Even though your son gets panic attacks around canines I can bring our family dog Otto. Maybe we can read some books about anxiety orders and family pets?” Alisa, however, was not happy to report she had concerns Beth was lying. For example, she had heard Beth had a full time nanny. “I don’t,” explained Beth, “Consuelo stayed three days before I realized it wasn’t a good fit. She only listened to Gloria Estefan songs, made only bean enchiladas, and never complimented me on my body. Come over. Watch me scrub the waffle off Gianni’s plates. You want to party? See how I scrub the toilet in Lorenzo’s bathroom.” Leah sat in silence. She was hoping they had noticed she had styled herself to look like Mozart. “You guys need to understand that Beth’s lies about her babysitter is triggering for me that feeling of not being safe which takes me back to my divorce,” said Jen. How can I feel comfortable to explore the feelings that surround being a mother to a small boy if I know Beth pays someone to help her shuttle around kids and help with the laundry for her four children under the age of 7?” “You know what, I am sorry for hurting you,” said Beth. “That was never my attention.” But Jen wasn’t satisfied. “I just want you to say you are sorry and then we can move on.” Beth looked at the wall. Did she have to apologize in blood? Perhaps with sign language or knitted into a Christmas sweater? Stefanie just asked for everyone to stop talking. She had bigger fish to fry. She had a play date mix tape she needed to record.
They had wanted to do a mom’s night out and Leah was kind enough to suggest one after the etiquette class on Friday. “What’s that?” asked Jen. “My friend Rachel teaches a class called Please Pass The Manners at my house, but it is only for kids over the age of 4,” explained Leah. AGAIN?!? Yet again Jen and Alisa were not included. “Why should I suffer because my son was born 3 years ago?”
Leah and Stefanie brought their daughters to a spa that specializes in braids. It was a relaxing day for the mothers and daughters, but not for the employees who had to brush knotted hair. Stefanie was still upset about mommy group that week. Whether Beth has a nanny or not is none of anyone’s business. “She does not need that,” explained Leah. “She does not need to be attacked when her soul has a higher purpose for implementing love and joy to the miracles God created in her womb.” Maybe they were judging her because they were unhappy with their own life? “Did you see the poster in the bathroom?” asked Stefanie. “Happy girls are pretty, or maybe it said girl pretty happy girl? Nevertheless it was poignant.” Then Leah explained that a woman who does not wash her body or insists on wearing active wear is not living up to what a good wife should be. “A man’s eyes should be delighted as his other half walks through the door and embraces sunshine otherwise I would be in a position to be raising my kids by myself. In other words if you don’t slap on lipstick and wedges my lover will flee.” Stefanie nodded but thought to herself no man should leave you because you are not manicured. Ron would get his ass kicked.
As Leah compiled pancakes on the home griddle she explained how she was raised in a home where women wear hats and pose with baby’s breath in photos. She was not allowed to be anything other than perfect, which she would not repeat with her daughter. “Dearest Jade, allow your mother to spray that pan with Canola oil so your hair doesn’t catch on fire. Be a dove and let your mother pour this batter onto the griddle. While I respect your interest in food architecture and design I implore you to follow these directions so we can enjoy the sweet taste of syrup on these johnnycakes.”
“Our goal for your kids today is to teach them to behave and have fun,” said the etiquette instructor. “You can taser them,” assured Meghan before turning around promptly so she and the girls could throw back drinks at the man cave.
“You guys, my 40th birthday is coming up and I am going to have a theme party,” said Leah. Meghan almost lost her mind. “I love a theme party!” But when they heard it would be Eyes Wide Shut they changed their mind. No disco outfits? No 80s prom dresses? You want us to wear S&M accessories? She was giving a circus experience. Perhaps they would leave that night wanting to explore ways to enjoy each other outside of the boundaries that normal people live? “I don’t want to have sex with any of your husbands,” said Meghan. “I just want to drink some beers and wear a headband.”
Back at the etiquette class the children struggled to understand how to shake hands and eat off plates while Lorenzo passed out on the patio.
The women agreed to a pact to ignore any discussion of Beth’s maybe-nanny. They guzzled their wine and headed back to the kids.
Jill arrived at Meghan’s house with a potty training book and the knowledge that if you give children two choices they will think they are in control of a situation you have actually doctored. For example, if your kids want to play with a parachute offer them two choices, you can suffocate each other in the family room or out on the back patio where I don’t have to see you.
Jen’s dad Bob wasn’t surprised to hear she had enrolled him in the Waldorf School. He had understood she was off her rocker the minute she told him Rivers would only eat foods that were made with agave nectar. Having a picnic basket for a lunch pail because it was androgynous was in keeping with the cuckoo bird mentality. He had assumed they didn’t use black crayons and called teachers by their spirit guide names too. She was feeling some trepidation about dating. She didn’t think she would ever get married again unless they had been together for ten years and she was under some serious medication. Her father assured her she would throw that all out the window if she met the right guy. It had been two years since her divorce and was finally feeling like she was on the other end of the divorce despite what she may have let on in mommy group. Now she wanted to feel the energy between a man and a woman again.
In Brentwood Stefanie tried to put the kids to sleep by reading a book about Jill’s family dog. Look, Ellington, this dog wears Brooks Brothers sweaters and hangs out with kids. I know you have panic attacks, but can he come and live with us for the weekend?
Jen’s blind date was handsome, seemed age appropriate, and had also lived in New York City. But she probably pissed on any opportunity for advancement when her first information out of the gate was that she was sleep deprived because her toddler is unable to sleep through an entire night without calling out her name. But then he destroyed any opportunity for advancement by notifying her the night of their date was also the anniversary of his birth. He had four kids from his first marriage, but would rather spend the incredibly personal day with a stranger at a Mexican restaurant off La Cienaga Boulevard. Turned out Adam exaggerated his age and wanted to do a round of shots. He wanted to party with the wrong cowgirl. She didn’t have a relief pitcher. (Well, except for Bob). He paid the bill and she promised to text, which was lying — something she had promised she would never do.
Leah hosts her Moulin rouge birthday party, Beth looks for a new rental, and Ellington tries to break it off with Otto.
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