There Goes The Motherhood Recap: Cousin Billy
This week on There Goes The Motherhood Jen and Leah bonded over green juice, Meghan moved her husband back into the bedroom, and Beth’s cousin Billy ruined Leah’s birthday party.
Jen and Leah met up for happy hour the day before mommy group. It was a nice chance to get to know other on a more intimate level without the hassle of listening to other people’s problems. It was just two broads enjoying a crisp glass of grasshopper juice before carpool. Leah wanted to be forthright, she felt as if Jen’s emotional breakdown over whether Beth had live-in help was unnecessary. “We should all embrace each other as mothers. The universe asks for us to take care of one another and we shall do that with intention.” Jen valued Leah’s insight even though she worried sometimes Leah lives her life like a folk song. How can someone be that calm and spiritually enlighted if they are not under the influence of narcotics?
Beth was no longer living the dream. She had been married for 13 years and now she had to figure out small things like how to run a load of laundry or clean the urine off the wall behind the toilet. She was admittedly lost. “You guys eat ham and cheese sandwiches with mayo on white bread?” she asked her Italian named kids. They didn’t have the heart to tell her it was no longer 1986. “Say goodbye to this nice kitchen, guys. Moms got to downgrade, which means we might be living in a 1,800 square foot condo near the airport with linoleum floors. Before I start checking out properties do you have any requests?” For starters they wanted a pool, maybe even a pool table room, or a bowling alley like those Spelling kids. “No can do,” she said. “But you can share a room with a sliding window that may or may not be retrofit for an earthquake.”
Meghan was working on ways to get her husband Nick back into the bedroom. Their daughter Hattie shot out of her vagina and into her parent’s bedroom and hasn’t left since. The other kids want in on the same sleep action. Why have a bedroom designed with Star Wars gear and My Little Pony wallpaper when you can sleep beside your mom who doesn’t wear a bra? Meghan thought it was sweet the kids liked to sleep together, but also worried at some point it was starting to become a little Flowers in the Attic. She should sleep with her husband, not with three toddlers. With Jill’s encouragement she decided she would celebrate Nick’s birthday by gifting him with the opportunity to sleep once again on a piece of furniture used as a place to sleep or relax. She would also try to go out on regular dates that did not include a happy meal or children.
Leah was having an off day. She and her husband Bill had been struggling to communicate, which was a shock to everyone because she had spoken so often of how much they like to have sexual intercourse. How can they have problems if they are always banging? She just needed to get rid of the black cloud that was occupying the area above her house. She admitted that when things are not right with Bill it makes her feel bad in other areas of her life. Beth pointed out that there are downfalls to putting your husband’s needs always above your own. Sure, it’s nice for a decade until you find yourself wanting to punch him in the throat while he’s sleeping. Stefanie offered some advice. “I have found that my husband is unable to read my mind, which is annoying because it would save me a lot of time. I have to tell him where I stand and then we resolve it by latching up the kids in their prison cells, pouring a glass of Chablis, and becoming physically intertwined.”
Leah thought all would be solved if Bill just touched her, which would obviously happen soon because she was throwing an Eyes Wide Shut themed party for her birthday. Jill had some uplifting advice too.
“You need to be honest about your feelings, especially since you are turning 40 years old this week. You are transitioning into another period of your life, with hormonal changes and non-periods around the corner.”
Oh, great. Terrific. Leah quietly cried into her blouse.
Stefanie’s son Ellington had agreed to meet Jill’s dog. It was an enormous accomplishment because he had spent the first seven years of his life jumping up on tables and sprinting across streets to avoid anything covered in fur. After a few minutes he was walking him down the street and allowing him to lick his face, a milestone Stefanie tried not to highlight with visible tears or high kicks.
Leah’s party was dark and filled with models she had hired to pose and dance in body paint and S&M costumes. She wore a bathing suit with cord wrapped around her waist. She had so looked forward to the evening celebration of her birth. “People are dressed up in minimal clothes and will likely end up having sex in a bathroom, and I am completely fine with it. I think we should allow ourselves to enjoy each other’s bodies freely, without judgment. If you want to please each other in an emotional and physical way in front of the rest of the guests then be present in that emotion.” But the hiccup in this plan was allowing Beth to come with her cousin Billy, a young man who performed in the Tampa, Florida production of Birdcage when he isn’t hosting roller skate night at the Abbey. After 13 cucumber and ginger martinis he was ready to engage in any fight that found him. “What is a mommy group like?” Billy asked Jen. “Well, it’s a group of people who have vaginas that assemble together to discuss the positive and negative aspects of having a 24 hour job 365 days of the year,” she explained. “Ohhhhhh,” he said, “I can’t do that because I need 10 hours of sleep so my skin stays moisturized.” Jen and her friend were not having it. She was from New York, she didn’t have interest in having a conversation with someone who has season passes to Ice Capades or speaks with a voice similar to that of Sofia the First. But Billy was not done. Discussion of whether one should enjoy a psychic reading from a medium sent him over the edge. “I stopped going to psychics so I could get right with God. I just felt like it was using a shortcut to get answers,” said Beth. But who doesn’t like a shortcut? How does finding out your Uncle Peter up in heaven leaves you a stack of dimes now and then NOT helpful? Maybe that would make you want to hang out in church more? Turns out Uncle Peter is having a great time upstairs. Maybe I should get on the wait list to that party by celebrating the Sabbath?
“I am done with you,” said Billy while trying to stand upright. “Don’t let me bring out the oh no finger.” No one was exactly sure what the “oh no” finger was or why Leah had invited the drunkest member of a boy band from South Dakota. So she asked him to leave. Just button up your shirt and maintain control of your face and go home.
Beth and Jen fight about Billy, Leah and her husband fight about the Cannes Film Festival, Beth’s kids find out their parents are not getting back together, and Jen threatens to leave mommy group.
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