There Goes The Motherhood: New Baby
This week on There Goes The Motherhood Meghan and Nick planned for a new baby, Stefanie prepared for her performance at the Viper Room, and Jen flew to Austin to ask her ex-boyfriend for his sperm.
Meghan and Nick decided it was time to grow another baby in her womb. But before that could happen they would need their youngest daughter to be evacuated from their bedroom. Perhaps if we paint the walls of the room we’ve been using for storage she will feel compelled to leave our marital bed for her own? Nick crafted her a custom made bed painted in coral and monogrammed with an ode to O.J. Simpson on the footboard.
BACK IN THE SADDLE
At the group meeting Stefanie shared that her husband had pushed her off the anxiety cliff and she would perform at the Viper Room in a week. It had been years since she belted out a woman’s empowerment anthem before an audience. It was the disappointment that got to her. All of those years schlepping to places like Topeka and Tampa waiting for a number one hit and a tour bus and set of custom mugs bearing her face. Kids got in the way. It’s hard to raise four kids and still have enough time to make an album, tour stadiums, and make edgy music videos that would be up for an MTV Video Music Award. Could you make an entertaining music video about driving kids to preschool or a yearly check up at the pediatrician’s office? She would be a failure if she didn’t try and the best way to get over fear is to kick it in the face.
Beth had to tell the kids they had to move and she was surprised how well they took it. Either Caila was wise beyond her years or she was secretly putting together chapters of a tell all. I Wanted The Truth So She Took Me Surfing would be available on Kindle and Amazon as soon as a judge awarded her emancipation.
Meghan was pleased to report she and Nick were having unprotected regular sex. “If you are thinking about having another baby, how can you make sure your relationship is in tact,” asked Jill. “This is the exact reason I have chosen not to have any more children,” added Leah. I worry I won’t have enough time to spend at the sex dungeon we have created next door to our home,” said Leah. “I know I would do a disserve by taking more time away from the kids I already have if I had another baby.” Well, thanks, Leah and Jill, thought Meghan. I appreciate your buzzkill but my husband and I spent almost every waking our together, minus the time he spends running things at the burial center. You want to know how we keep our love alive? By surrounding ourselves by dead bodies.
Jill congratulated Meghan on making little changes. She wiped a tear from her face from the roll of toilet paper she kept in her satchel.
While Leah and Stefanie’s kids worked on art projects they ate lunch. As Leah gnawed on a burger wrapped in lettuce she offered Stefanie comfort for needing acknowledgment. “I am going to learn to love my voice again,” said Stefanie.
Later that week Stefanie was ready to sing. She had a custom plaid suit, golden hair, and perfect makeup. The only thing that was missing was her willingness to stare into her husband’s eyes as she performed, which he preferred when banging out a song in rehearsal. I just got enough balls in come back on stage, Ron, how about you lay off?
PASS THE SEMEN
Jen and Alisa were at the park when conversation about whether Jen should get artificially inseminated sprung. Jen’s plan was to take a trip to Austin with her father and son and ask her old-boyfriend if she could borrow some of his sperm. “We’ve stayed really close friends and he has such a great vibe. He is spiritual, smart, wears really cool clothes, and plays the guitar. Who wouldn’t want a rock star baby?” she wondered while everyone watching this show screamed a man with a retirement account and a steady paycheck at the TV. He knew she was coming to town and thought he would naturally just figure she wanted to see him perform because she wanted him to provide her with seminal fluid.
But in Austin things went south outside the Nutty Brown Café when after the show Bob the ex-boyfriend mentioned he was engaged. Whoopsie. It was apparently not something he shared on social media or through text or emails. He saved that bit of vital information for the moment an old flame would fly half way across the country to see him. Is this a camera crew rolling with you? Oh, yeah, by the way I am getting married to another woman. “We’re going to get married next year. Yeah, that’s right,” he said. “Probably will have more kids. That’s the plan.” The trip had not been a complete bust because she saved herself from having a baby with a guy who has a chain connected to his wallet.
“He was lovely,” reported Jen to her friend Jill and a man who looked like he might be on the show Duck Dynasty, “but he’s going to have a family with someone else.” Her friend Jill thanked the Lord above. They had avoided a potential shit show.
She’d have another child; she would just need to take another route.
Beth looks for a new house, Meghan cries all her eye makeup off, and Stefanie sings again.
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