Humor

Thank You Match.com For My Husband

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Dear Match.com,

I’ve been meaning to thank you for introducing me to my husband. We’ve been married now for almost 11 years and we are about to have our fifth child, so you can say that at this point things are pretty legit.

16 years ago I moved to Los Angeles without knowing a single person. Instead of joining a kickball team or a church group I joined your subscription-based online dating service, because I thought it might be a good way for me to avoid having to eat at restaurants by myself. The way I looked at it was if you are going to enjoy a bowl of spaghetti in a new city it may as well be with a stranger who may have lied about their weight, employment status, and criminal record.

Before I met my husband I had eight gloriously bad dates that included:

  • One gentleman bringing me a basket full of homemade cookies my roommate at the time was sure were probably laced with LSD.
  • A guy who told me he did voice over work, but was in fact a bartender at Lone Star Steakhouse.
  • An unemployed screenwriter with a lazy eye.

Needless to say I enjoyed every minute of it.

I was my husband’s first date on match.com. His roommate was dating a USC professor who had completed a PhD dissertation on online dating. She provided him valuable information on how to avoid meeting a serial killer or someone who could potentially steal all your possessions while you are sleeping. It was basically a cheat sheet on finding true love. He wrote me his first email from a café in Paris across the street from The Louvre. Our first date was on a Friday. Unbeknownst to me he had scheduled two more dates that weekend. When he told me he had to take a quick call in the privacy of his car I had no idea it was because he was calling the other women and canceling their plans. In other words, after one date it was clear to him that he would no longer need to search the Earth for the person who would eventually give birth to his children.

We got married in Maui in 2007 on a cliff overlooking the ocean, which I’ve been told has been replaced with an infinity pool. Every two years since then I have given birth to a child, which means I have spent the majority of our marriage wearing maternity pants. I should thank you for this.

I wasn’t always honest about the reason we met. For several years I told my sister we’d met through friends and at one point at an exercise class (which in retrospect sounds creepy). But in my defense this was long before it became so normal. “I just don’t think I could ever date someone I met through a computer service,” said a friend back then. I should note that person is now divorced. What did they know?

It’s been over a decade now and I still think my husband is pretty great, even though he never laughs at my jokes and can’t stand the sound of me singing karaoke. He’s basically perfect, minus the obsession with watching war movies and not being able to place anything in the dishwasher.

So I’d like to raise a sippy cup filled with champagne to you, match.com. This pregnant woman owes much of my happiness to you.

Much love, Kate

Match.com, Match, Husband, Kids, Marriage

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Love and Knuckles 15 Reasons My Single Friends Shouldn't Break Up With Me Because I Have Kids - Love and Knuckles

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