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Stacy Keibler Asks Me For Relationship Advice

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Dear Kate,

I am having a rough week. My boyfriend hasn’t texted me and I haven’t received a call from his assistant, publicist, manager, or attorney in almost 6 days. Do you think he’s going to call it off?

We’ve been together since my publicist contacted his team to say that I was looking for a career boost and would be available to travel to Italy and the Toronto Film Festival at a moments notice. We clicked right away despite not having much in common. He likes to talk about guerilla conflict in Sudan and the differing economic policies of the American Presidential candidates. I like to talk about shimmery body lotion and Pilates. But I like to dress up and meet fancy people. There were a couple of times when he had his manager tell me to “tone it down” when I’d say the wrong thing on Twitter or to Angelina Jolie. But for the most part things had been pretty smooth. He introduced me to his diplomat friends. I introduced him to my professional wrestling friends. We hosted friends in Italy. He invited Matt Damon. I invited Channing Tatum. We even co-hosted a dinner for President Obama in California, though I am not even sure I am registered to vote.

I just don’t want this to end. I’ve got a big meeting next month with the people over at the OWN Network. What should I do?

Love, Stacy

——————

Dear Stacy,

Listen, girl. It sounds like he’s going to call it off soon. If you suddenly have a large amount of cash deposited into your checking account or a real estate agent is calling you to show you rental properties chances are things are going south. Look at the timeline of the other girlfriends. He usually calls it off between the one and two year mark and always after awards season. If he’s over 50, has no kids, and likes to spend a ton of time with his dude friends then chances are he won’t be asking you to be anything permanent. So let’s start planning your next move.

The sitcom opportunities are pretty dry. Hosting gigs are fine, but hard to find one that does not involve someone puking, crying over a breakup, or trying to sell a weird invention. Stick to what you know. You’re a fit girl. You’ve done the Dancing with the Stars route. Why not start a chain of dancing aerobic joints? Maybe host Dancing with the Kind of Stars Canada? Have someone ghost write a “fictional account” of what it is really like to be the trophy lady of a movie star.

So what if he dumps you? Isn’t it time you had some fun? When was the last time you went out clubbing? Aren’t you just a little sick and tired of hearing the same boring stories about the devastation in Sudan and the “hilarious” practical jokes that went down on the set of Ocean’s 11? Now you can find someone who doesn’t need to take Advil before taking a jog or enjoys staying up past 10.

It’s a new day, sister friend.

Love, Kate

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

0 Comments

  1. Katie D.

    October 3, 2012 at 12:23 am

    Dancing with the Kind of Stars Canada = perfection

    • mm

      admin

      October 3, 2012 at 2:43 am

      Thank you, my lady.

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