Southern Charm Recap: Quail Gate
This week on Southern Charm Patricia continued to push Landon and Thomas closer together, Craig and Naomie attempted to reconcile after their last fight, and Shep planed a quail-hunting trip.
JD AND ELIZABETH
JD and Elizabeth made a commitment to Kathryn during her relatively normal years to be the godparents of Kenzie, a decision they took very seriously. Despite the fact she was often out of her marbles they clung to the hope that at some point Kathryn and Thomas would be able to co-parent in some capacity. They invited Kathryn to come to their home to get a sense of how she may have started to turn her life around. “Miss Kathryn is here,” JD called to his kids as they opened the door to a woman with bright red hair and oversized eyelashes. Kathryn seemed perplexed to be around children. You would have thought she would try to offer them a cigarette or ask them if they’ve got a pocketknife she could borrow.
She sat down in the Madison’s charming living room to let them know she had reached out to Thomas with hope there could be some resolution to their ongoing custody matters, but she was furious Thomas had celebrated the birth of Jennifer’s new baby. “He did have an affair with her while I was pregnant,” she noted, which no one with three brain cells believed. Elizabeth encouraged her to remove emotion when communicating with Thomas. In other words, try not to flip out and trap him on a roof or corner him in a child’s bedroom while expressing yourself. Just be, if it is possible, a rational person. They held out little hope.
Shep stopped drinking for 5 days. He took vigorous jogs around the block, read old romance novels, and did loads of laundry to occupy his time. One morning he ran by Patricia’s mansion only to find Whitney sitting on the side patio. He offered him a glass of water, only because Michael the Butler was busy polishing silverware. Shep mentioned he was planning a quail-hunting trip, for which Whitney had ample clothing. He wondered if Craig and Naomie would make the trip despite their ongoing quarrels. “I suppose she has a fiduciary duty to protect Craig,” said Craig, “with an emphasis on douche.” They both laughed.
Craig, still upset that Naomie shared with the others that he is not in fact perfect, sat up late waiting for her to return from class. “Mommy is coming home late,” he told his cat hours before as he printed off copies of trucker hat samples emblazoned with the word FLAWED. It was poetic. Once Naomie arrived they began arguing about the fact Craig is always late and he resented the way she shared private arguments to his fellow castmates on a reality television show. She suggested they seek the help of a counselor.
THOMAS AND LANDON
Landon met with Patricia to discuss her unwillingness to accept Thomas as her obvious soulmate. He is an exemplary father and he has money, Patricia noted, but what really impressed me most was when he said he wouldn’t make you sign a prenup. Landon tilted her head to the side and gulped her bourbon slushy. Landon reminded Patricia that Thomas has a criminal background and the mother of his two children at times appeared unstable. Patricia encouraged her to be more of a risk taker.
Everyone shopped and packed for a quail-hunting trip two hours south in Georgia. Whitney wore his finest garments and Craig wore a tank top. Thomas joined them later because he is unable to be near firearms due to the fact he is a convicted felon. He instead waited to arrive later in the evening so he could enjoy dinner and cocktails.
Craig almost killed one of the hunting dogs. He dressed like a prisoner working a shift on a turnpike. Cameran, Elizabeth, and Naomie went fishing.
Chelsea made it clear she wanted a man who was a redneck, and Austen cemented a night in the sack by shooting several birds out of the sky. Shep, who at first seemed to be a better match given his love of camouflage and because he owned a monogrammed hunting rifle, failed to keep her interest. After murdering several quail and showering off mud and deer urine they made sweet something in their cabin. They were so deep in petting they ignored calls from headquarters for steak slabs and shrimp bowl appetizers. Shep opened a bottle of bourbon. Screw the liver issues.
They enjoyed a delicious meal in a well-lit room; while Thomas remarked on how surprised he was to find out he liked raising children. He hated being away from the kids; especially knowing they were with their mother.
Landon looked uncomfortable when Elizabeth mentioned how far Kathryn had come in her sobriety. Shep wondered what it would be like if your penis never stopped growing.
After a night of red wine Chelsea and Austen woke up in each other’s arms. Austen was disappointed when he realized Chelsea had zero interest in becoming his girlfriend. “I don’t want something serious, and I know you don’t either,” she laughed while nuzzling his armpit. He reminded himself to reopen his Tinder account once he got back to Charleston.
Craig and Naomie see a counselor.
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