Hoodoo: Southern Charm Recap
This week on Southern Charm Cameran turned to hoodoo in hopes of finding her life’s purpose, Thomas asked Landon out on a date, and Shep confronted Austen about his bro-code violation over a game of basketball.
Cameran had few secrets, especially since she spent 2003 living with strangers picked to live in a house in San Diego for MTV. The one secret she never thought would surface was the period in her life when she convinced herself she was a witch. She was the only high school homecoming queen in South Carolina with purple hair who mixed chemicals with large sticks in the middle of the woods. Now, years later, she was purchasing a play doll with blackened eyes which came with a full demonic necklace pouch and matching cauldron. “Thanks Larry,” she told her co-workers partners from the comfort of his hoodoo doll covered spare bedroom. The dolls name was Mama Estella.
CALL A DOCTOR
Shep and Austen played a round of Horse, which left Shep gasping for air. “You okay, man?” asked Austen. “Should I get your pills? Do you need me to grab your life alert?” Shep made a mental note to go get a physical. Maybe Old Man River shouldn’t go out for drinks every single night? As Shep clutched his heart he asked Austen if he was in fact dating Chelsea. “I am sort of seeing her,” said Austen. “Yeah, she’s not really my type anyway,” said Shep while archival footage proved the opposite.
Whitney and Thomas met for bourbon. Yet again Whitney suggested Landon was the great love of Thomas’ life. “I get nervous around women I like,” said Thomas. If he liked someone he would rub his fingers over his facelift scars. If he weren’t into a girl he would unbutton his Oxford shirt or allow himself to walk around a pool party in dad shorts. “I am basically Mr. Mom,” said Thomas referencing the 1980s movie where the father actually let his kids live in the same house with him. “So it’s hard to find someone who is fine with all my baggage.”
The next day he met with Landon for margaritas. He thought it was a date. She thought she was pre-gaming for a Phish concert.
Kathryn called Jennifer from her car. “I know I have not spoken to you in months, but would you like to meet for coffee while cameras film us?” An hour later they met at a café, the first they had seen in each other in seven months. Kathryn was still upset that at the reunion Thomas had the audacity to treat her friend with kindness. “Jennifer is carrying a baby with special needs, so I have nothing but respect for her,” he said before handing her his satin handkerchief to wipe her fresh tears. In the months that followed Jennifer carried to term a baby who needed brain surgery immediately after delivery. “Do you want to know about my baby?” Jennifer asked Kathryn. She was no longer able to withhold her grief. She had supported Kathryn during the months she pretended to have a high stress pregnancy. She held her hand when she hid under a car at Thomas’ polo match. She sat beside her all the times she prank called JD and Elizabeth, squatted outside Patricia’s windows or through binoculars across the street from Shep’s bar. Now she didn’t have the common decency to look Jennifer in the eye and show compassion.
Jennifer reminded herself that when someone shows himself or herself to be incapable of feeling empathy it is best to cut the emotional cord. She also couldn’t withstand sitting across a table from someone with kabuki foundation and improperly applied eyelash extensions.
Kathryn thought Jennifer was a social climber. Jennifer thought Kathryn would never get her priorities straight.
SEW SUE ME
Craig had many dreams and one of them was to become a fashion designer. This was, as he explained to Naomie over a meal provided by Hello Fresh, in addition to being a lawyer, managing a real estate portfolio, growing organic vegetables, engraving his own cufflinks, and developing his own formula for spray starch. “Pick a lane,” Naomi urged him while enjoying the view from her parent’s chateau rooftop, conveniently down the street from their modest ranch house. “But I just got a new sewing machine and I’ve got a stack of Simplicity patterns and yards of different textures from Jo-Ann Fabrics.”
Shep called Rip and Fran, his very wealth parents to inform them it was probably time for him to get serious about his health. A doctor took some blood, pushed on his abdomen and suggested he stop drinking cocktails for a week. So he drank beer instead.
Landon explained to Austen over a free flight of beers and gourmet turkey burger that she would be spending the next few weeks pretending to review local eateries menus in exchange for a write-up on her non-existent website. “This is not what I would call Roam-worthy,” she laughed while Austen looked at her in horror. The only person who really understood her was Thomas. It made sense to him to brag about your lifestyle to someone trying to make enough to pay off their monthly college loan bill. He understood that it was reason enough to break up with someone because they had not had the time or money to spend a week vacationing in the Hamptons or stay at a bread and breakfast in the Galapagos Islands.
Shep tries yoga.
Join the newsletter
Subscribe to get our latest content by email.