Southern Charm

Southern Charm Recap: Eliza Eliza

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On the season premiere of Southern Charm Thomas discussed his custody arrangement, Craig became a gardener, and someone named Eliza had a pool party.

GIVE US A SHOT

Thomas and Landon sat on a park bench at sunset. He asked her to take a chance on him, a man who had failed to win a Senate seat, had impregnated someone twenty five years his senior, and made his children live in his guest house with a nanny. Should you choose me, he explained, he would find a place for her too. Perhaps she could live in the shed next to the lawnmower or in the basement beside his colonial paintings? He would allow her on occasion to sleep in his revolutionary war bed in a room lit with candlesticks. She could help him (and his nanny) raise his two children now that the woman who gave birth to the kids failed a drug test.

Landon turned her lips upward and shrugged her shoulders. It was a downgrade from Shep whom she had asked to love her the year before. Could she find love with a man she may have already boned? Would he appreciate her disinterest in having a job? On the flip side would she notice he gave his kids a bath in the kitchen sink?

LA LA LANDON

Landon spent the summer traveling to escape rumors of her affair with Thomas last season. There was still no update on her Internet venture or line of home goods.

OH, CRAIG

Craig had spent the off-season watching HGTV and building flowerbeds while his girlfriend completed her MBA. He wouldn’t take the bar until February, which gave him plenty of time to study YouTube videos about sprouts.

SHEP

Shep’s friend Austen complicated his bar game. He was a younger version of Shep with feathered hair, a sturdy frame, and clothes purchased from a Vineyard Vines catalog. Unlike Shep who added women to his phone contacts list by the location he made out with them, Austen remembered names and also had a job. He had a job schilling beer, a career trajectory his parents didn’t necessarily support.

PATRICIA

Patricia summoned her butler Michael with the aid of a table buzzer. He would bring her gin as she completed needlepoints of her dogs. Whitney would visit her on the rare occasion he wasn’t traipsing around the world. He would regale her with tales of smoking pot in foreign countries. She would remind him of her relative who smoked too much grass and ended up working at a video rental facility.

ELIZA

Eliza Limehouse was the kind of girl who had monogrammed bathroom towels and luggage. She would spend the weekend playing polo or discussing her inheritance. She was the daughter of Thomas’ polo friend and a distant relative of someone who happened to move into South Carolina before anyone else. It was important to her to befriend her father’s friend’s baby mama. “I just remember seeing her around when you got her pregnant,” she noted. She had also remembered when Thomas requested Kathryn not show up to campaign events for fear that someone who didn’t have Bravo would know he had children out of wedlock. “Have you heard from Kathryn?” asked Thomas. Eliza noted as they had discussed before cameras arrived that Kathryn had sent her drunken texts and she’d been living on someone’s couch until eviction. Thomas feigned concern before screwing up the name of the gentleman who cleaned the stalls.

Eliza asked that Thomas attend her Sunday pool party. It made sense to have her father’s friend play beer pong and enjoy the large inflatable slide amidst her girlfriends.

WHAT ABOUT CRAIG?

While Shep shopped for speedos Cameran explained her concern that Craig was now hammering nails into boards. Would he ever pass the bar? Did he want to be a lawyer? Shep had surmised from several hours watching Dateline that Craig had come to Charleston to escape his athletic family. He had longed to be someone who had been born into a family who plays croquet in the backyard and wears madras pants. Had he stayed in Delaware he would have compiled recipes for a church cookbook.

HERE IS KATHRYN

On the way to Eliza’s pool party Kathryn called Craig and Naomi to let them know she had moved back to Monk’s Corner with her parents. Craig noted he had plenty of free time now that he might never become an attorney. Perhaps she would like to spend time with him while he does some weeding? Naomi glared at Craig. “I will happily make time for you too,” said Naomi. She did not trust them alone after watching the episode on Jekyll Island when they got lost and had to sleep in a hole using their bodies for heat.

Landon hosted Craig and Naomi for an afternoon mimosa. She was disinterested in conversation about Kathryn except to point out she was staying at a rehab facility in Malibu undoubtedly to find another older gentle friend with a large bank account.

POOL PARTY

Eliza hired a party planner to help her host all of her college friends, the cast of this show, and her father’s friend. Thomas removed his shirt and plunged his hairy chest into the pool. He sipped on his frozen cocktail served in a plastic children’s cup and stared mournfully as Landon embraced her new younger boyfriend. JD and his wife Elizabeth, fresh from a baptism, also came to the party to make sure no one was violating the drinking laws and that Eliza’s parents were aware of the party.

“We should play polo sometime,” said Landon as Thomas stood beside her. He had hoped she would look beyond his dad bod and into his swollen eyes and see he yearned for her companionship. It was bad enough she was avoiding Shep, now she had to stave off Thomas.

Shep pulled Naomi aside to gage Craig’s interest in finding a job. He wanted her to know he would make an incredible chef. He could have a wonderful life making shutters. What happened to his legal paperwork? Had he sent it off to the North Pole? Naomi let Shep know these were answers he would need to answer, she would rather go to the appetizer table and refill her frozen drink.

Kathryn’s cousin Shelby stood by the pool in an ill-fitting bikini and destroyed heels and let everyone know that Kathryn may have left rehab, but was still very much crazy. Thomas let everyone know Kathryn refused to take a drug test at the same time Kathryn entered a medical facility. The results were unknown.

No one drowned and the inflatable slide was returned. It did, however, destroy the grass.

Southern Charm, Recap, Eliza

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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