Show Recaps

Southern Charm Premiere Recap: Oh, Thomas

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THOMAS

At the Red Drum Inn Thomas and Kathryn were still arguing about his new campaign ad. Thomas didn’t see the problem. If he wanted to make a real difference in South Carolina he needed a commercial that tackled the real issues facing the state’s voters. Can you be against raising taxes but still raise the imaginary roof of a dance party filled with underage women dressed in mini skirts? Can you support gun rights and the distribution of roofies? He was a modern candidate because he was a man of the people. Look, folks, I may live in a plantation home, have regular prostrate exams, and drive a town car, but I know what the inside of a prison looks like and I have had a baby out of wedlock. Can you say the same for Senator Graham? Sure, he may be a foreign policy wonk, but can he explain to you prison gang culture or how to avoid marrying the woman who had your baby? But poor Kathryn had spent the last six months trying to live up to her new role as a maybe politician’s wife. She had learned the fine art of slathering salmon in mayonnaise, perfected a low bun, started wearing American flag brooches, and had purchased 30 blazers from the Talbot’s catalog. So she stayed the night at Danni’s house so Thomas could drive home and take care of the baby that was already asleep just to show him what he was missing.

JD THE COUNSELOR

Back at Thomas’ campaign headquarters (which was also his office) he received a visit from his old friend JD. Surely he would agree that Kathryn was overreacting. As he took a swing from an oversized Pellegrino bottle JD surmised Kathryn’s anger was the result of a hormonal imbalance caused by childbirth. In time once her uterus had stopped contracting she would be able to see that male voters elect based on advertisements featuring women with jugs.

THE ODD COUPLE

Whitney and Shep were still working out the kinks of being middle-aged roommates. While he enjoyed Whitney’s company, he wasn’t much help around the house. Shep would throw away the half-empty Red Solo cups and mop up the patio vomit. Whitney would be on hand to play Jonas Brothers covers on his guitar. Whitney had no idea how to run a dishwasher or a vacuum. He lived with his mother Patricia who has two personal butlers. She would have loaned one out but that would mean Michael wouldn’t be on hand to make her gin martinis or support her during acupuncture treatments.

Shep had wanted a beach house, a little getaway from the rigors of running his new restaurant. The Palace Hotel was decorated in furniture and wall hangings found at a swap meet, but it served wholesome meals like fried grouper and sautéed cigarettes. Whitney’s forthcoming restaurant had a fancy Italian name, an architect on hand, and expensive light fixtures. But Shep was a hands-on boss bussing tables and sleeping with the wait staff. You can’t get a White Russian, but you can have a cold can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Whitney, however, had no idea what would be on the menu, and refused to be seen anywhere up front in case someone would need to ask him for more bread or an iced tea refill. He preferred to stand beside the bar and nod at people.

CRAIG

Craig was in no rush to take the state bar. He had a good couple months of bar and bed hopping before he needed to take a test intended to determine whether he was qualified to practice law in a given jurisdiction. His boss back at the law firm understood this, which was why he gave him a flexible schedule so he could bang out a couple of hours in the middle of the night on law briefs and then spend the rest of the day fishing, dancing on boats, or modeling suits. Cameran was concerned about his lack of interest in growing up so she enlisted the help up Shep. “Look, for some reason he looks up to you. He thinks your life of leisure is something to work towards. He dreams of being a 35-year-old man wearing flip-flops throwing house parties. Can you at least pretend you’ve had to work toward this goal?” Shep was happy to help.

SHEP

In the meantime he had his own set of problems. He was seeing a girl, a nice girl, but before she was willing to let him touch her lady parts she needed assurance that it would lead to a contractual arrangements of sorts where he could be relied on to take her out to dinner or refrain from having sex with other women. It’s going to take a very special lady to get him to settle down,” said Cameran “…I can’t wait to meet her.” But in her heart she understood he would probably be a 75 year old man still living in that same beach house dancing on the rooftop with a bottle of beer in one hand and someone’s bra in the other.

LANDON

Landon’s father was supportive of her new life in Charleston. He was behind her divorce and subsequent move from Los Angeles to a houseboat in the marina. One day she would move on from eating peanut butter sandwiches on the deck in a bathing suit cover up and find herself building a career in interior design. Her first step was styling a fancy runway show for Patricia’s friend Cooper, a Southern menswear designer and the actor that played Dennis the Menace in the 1950s sitcom. He lived in a crack house but wore spiffy bow ties and shoes without socks. Her hope was that he could introduce to the old women in town looking to spend their extra cash on upholstered furniture and statues.

THE FUNDRAISER

Thomas threw his first official campaign fundraiser at a crab shack. It was his campaign manager Amy’s idea. She thought it would change the perception of the 8 attendees if it were held in a place that smelled like fish carcass and urine. See, Thomas understands the needs of the downtrodden! Whitney had been to thousands of campaign events in his time. Some were great (Strom Thurmond knew how to throw a keg party) and this one was possibly the worst. So he decided to kick things into high gear by showing everyone the ad he had made that week on his iPhone, which only infuriated Kathryn. Her new friend Jenn explained to her while wearing space shorts that if she wanted to really make things work between them she would need to confront Whitney.

The ad is a joke,” she said. “If my daughter ever saw that, she would be embarrassed for the rest of her life” But Whitney was confused. “You don’t think she would be embarrassed now?” Kathryn begged him not to “condescend her” and he kindly corrected her grammar, which only brought on tears. (DAMN YOU, HORMONES). Whitney assured her that going forward all campaign advertisements would run through her, which made sense because she understood the political arena having grown up as the ancestor of someone named Calhoun and receiving her associates degree in political science at the Barbizon School of Modeling. “Great, it’s settled then.” Then she stormed off into the night with her drink and her flowered dress and her statement earrings. Thomas was confused and hopeful he hadn’t forgotten to take his medication, which he kept in a small Tupperware container in the pants of his slacks.

NEXT WEEK:

Craig walks in a fashion show but Shep sits it out because he has unusually long ape arms.

Southern Charm

Southern Charm

Southern Charm

Southern Charm

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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