Show Recaps

Southern Charm Premiere Recap: Break-Ups

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During the season premiere of Southern Charm Cameran prepared for labor, the women discussed their various break-ups, Thomas found a new girlfriend, Kathryn celebrated her sobriety, and Whitney wore a track suit. 

THE BREAK-UPS

Much had changed in Charleston since last season. Cameran had a baby about to vacate her lady cavity, Naomie came to the realization Craig would not be a suitable husband, Thomas sold his colonial townhouse for a home with furniture that would not impale his children, and Kathryn was living in a new apartment with spray tan stains and blood donation bruises. Austen lost his job and was spending the better part of his week playing beer pong and napping. He was no longer with Chelsea, lead stylist at the Chop House. She had grown annoyed with is wandering eye and the way he was never willing to pay for appetizers or cocktails. Danni broke off her engagement. .

THOMAS AND KATHRYN

Thomas and Kathryn made great efforts to co-parent despite their mutual hatred. Kathryn was still forced to take random drug tests. Deirdre the nanny was let go. Thomas found a young girlfriend who was willing to overlook their massive age gap and his abysmal romantic track record because it meant she would get a slot on a primetime television show.

SHEP AND WHITNEY

Shep and Whitney met at the Regal Beagle to snack on chorizo infused queso dip and pontificate on their various ailments. “My knees are going, man,” said Shep. “Why do you think I wear this 90s track suit?” asked Whitney, “to mask my swollen hips.” Shep gulped a liter of water before they sipped on chilled glasses of chocolate milk. Whitney’s mother Patricia, he explained, had a “gentleman caller” by the name of C and could in time be engaged. He provided her with a skating ring sized promised ring. Patricia casually discussed this romantic development as they sat in their heavily upholstered living room. It beat the last time she moved forward in a relationship notifying her son via telegram while in boarding school in England.

JD

JD was now living in his guesthouse, a cabin deep in the Charleston woods. His bourbon business downtown had shut down.

CRAIG

Shep and Craig met at the meat factory to discuss Shep’s birthday party plans. He would host his own affair at his new beach house and Craig, an expert on cooking animal meat, would be in charge of the food. It had been an often-rocky relationship between these two, but they were always able to put aside their various differences in time for cameras.

The two college graduates, one with a law degree, argued for two hours over how to turn a knob and properly heat meat. “Go get some cheese cubes,” Craig ordered Austen. They asked a bartender if he could make the meat salvageable. Shep wondered if you could place paper plates in a microwave. They were both wearing monogrammed aprons.

THE WOMEN

Danni, Kathryn, Chelsea, and Naomie enjoyed cocktails and French sparkling water in Naomie’s bright new home. They laughed about the time Shep made Kathryn clean her body before sexual intercourse, though she left spray tan stains behind. They agreed Elizabeth was an angel-winged saint, JD was a pile of manure, and Thomas’ girlfriend was borderline nuts for moving across the country to meet a stranger with hopes of becoming an Instagram celebrity.

NEXT WEEK:

The worst barbecue.

Southern Charm, Recap, Season 5, Break-ups

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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