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Snooki Writes Motherhood Advice Letter to Kate Middleton

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Today Snooki from Jersey Shore posted an open letter to the Duchess of Cambridge and future Queen of England Kate Middleton with advice on motherhood. Because I am sure that when it comes down to it that she would like to look no further than a girl who up until the last season of her show routinely urinated in the corner of New Jersey’s finest dance clubs.

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Here are some nuggets:

  • I couldn’t wait to wake up in the middle of the night to take care of my little prince Lorenzo. But that lasts for about a few days. Then it’s like, “I love you but OMG stop crying! I’m exhausted.” The lack of sleep you will get used to—just do your makeup, put a tiara on, and you’ll look beautiful as usual.
  • Be sure to sing to your baby a lot, too! When I sing to my booger, he calms down and stares at me like he’s in love, which makes me feel amazing—or he’s just trying to tell me to shut the hell up because I can’t sing.

I am guessing that wasn’t her first draft. What happened to the original version? Because I am guessing it looked more like this before her publicist took a once over and sent it to the website.

Dear Princess,

So you are about to drop that little nugget out of your lady hole, huh? I know that feeling. I couldn’t wait to drop my potato out. Felt like I was whizzing out bottles of Gatorade. But labor is not that bad. I mean if you’ve been to jail then it’s nothing.

I was so excited to bring my boy home. By the way, home to me is my boyfriend’s parent’s house. We live in the basement. We’ve got a sweet little set up with a hot plate and our own tanning bed. Sort of like your crib in that Palace, right?

Your kid is going to cry a lot. I mean a lot. But you just rub some whiskey on his gums and sing some Bon Jovi and he will be out in no time. Just make sure you take care of yourself. You don’t want to rip any stitches by cage dancing before your doctor gives you the okay. Learn from me.

Before you know it you will be back to your old self. Get a facial or a massage. Or in my case a new set of teeth.

Text me if you need me.

Love,

Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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