Kate's Life

What I Never Learned From Seventeen Magazine

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Seventeen is a magazine geared for teenagers. I had a monthly subscription, which I treasured like a beauty and fashion bible. It was invaluable for obtaining information on issues ranging from how to try to clear up a zit to the best way to wear a flowered vest. But in retrospect there are various topics they skimmed over, pressing matters that required clear answers for a girl navigating her way through adolescence.

While I enjoyed features on matching your eye makeup with your outfit and in depth interviews with celebrities like Lark Voorhies and Elizabeth Berkeley from Saved By The Bell, I think there are a few topics that would have made more of a difference in my life.

What I Never Learned From Seventeen Magazine

1. Periods – Premenstrual syndrome (PMS) symptoms often vary between women and can include tender breasts, bloating, waking up with a face covered in puss, and wanting to suddenly push someone down a staircase. In addition you should always pack a feminine hygiene product in your backpack so you can avoid bleeding all of yourself in science class.

2. Sex – Teenage boys are liars. They have no plans to follow you to college so you can stay together and one day get married. They want to have sex with you in your parent’s basement so they can tell their friends right afterwards.

3. Diaries – Never keep one.

4. Bathing suits – Wear them now with pride. Enjoy this time before you eventually have to fold your breasts into a one-piece or tankini.

5. Mean Girls – She may be cool at 13, but by 30 she will have a barbed wire tattoo around her arm and be working the cash register at a roller skating rink.

6. Makeup – Foundation should match your skin tone; otherwise you look like your face went on vacation to Florida while the rest of your body stayed home.

7. Prom Dresses – Find a dress that flatters your body and makes you feel confident. Don’t wear a dress that makes you look like a hooker.

8. Boy Bands – In 5 years they will be arguing about launching their own solo careers. A few will lose their hair and at least one will father children with several different women. They will try to reunite on stage at an MTV Music Awards but it will be sad because they are no longer in shape and can barely remember the words to the songs.

Seventeen Magazine, Teenagers, Growing Up

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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