Kate's Life

Sarcastic Parenting: 8 Simple Answers To Kid Questions

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Here We Go

Parenting is tricky. You often have to work on the fly and you don’t always have the best answers to your children’s most complicated questions. Everyone comes into parenting with their own set of life experiences, which shape the way they look at the world and therefore at child rearing. Since I am from the Northeast, have British and Irish ancestors, have a low threshold for explaining the same thing more than three times, and an incredibly sarcastic sense of humor I tend to think my philosophy is geared more towards talking to your kids as if they are adults. Not that this always works, by the way. I have seen on several occasions my almost 4-year-old struggle to understand what I mean when I say that my head will actually explode or that he and his sisters are driving me up a wall. “Can you drive a car up a wall, mom? How does the car get down?” The car doesn’t comedown, son. The car stays upside down on a wall until you throw up everything you ate for breakfast. You got it?

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Parenting Philosophy

I’d like to think I could be a tiger parent, but that would require too much work with excel spreadsheets. I’d be a terrible helicopter parent because I like to have alone time just as much as my kids do. I probably lean closest to a lighthouse parent, which is based on Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg’s philosophy that our kids are like ships on the sea, and we’re lighthouses on the shore distantly guiding them. I will make sure that you don’t slam your pontoon into the pier, but you’ve got to sail this thing on your own.

I Don’t Have All The Answers, But Here are Some

Just because I have a couple kids doesn’t necessarily mean I have all the right answers in the same way that just because someone works at the MAC counter they can apply makeup. Here are some of the sarcastic ways I respond to my kid’s most pressing questions.

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#1. QUESTION: “Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese today?”

Normal Parent: “Not today, love, we’ve got some errands to run.”

Me: “Do you really want to hang out somewhere that has a carpet that smells like urine?” 

“You know what? They are closed on Wednesdays.”

 

#2. QUESTION: “Can we do a play date with them?”

Normal Parent: “Sure, honey, I will call their mother.”

Me: “I think they said they are moving next week.”

 

#3. QUESTION: “Why are you getting your hair done?”

Normal Parent: “I like to keep it short so I can pull it back into a ponytail.”

Me: “Do you want your mother to look like she lives in a cave?”

 

#4. QUESTION: “Why are you going out tonight?”

Normal Parent: “Because it is important for mom to spend time with her friends too.”

Me: “I know this may come as a shock to you, but I have friends too.”

 

#5. QUESTION: “Why do I have to do homework?”

Normal Parent: “Because it helps you become a better student.”

Me: “Because it’s a child law. If you don’t do homework you have to go to child jail.”

 

#6. QUESTION: “Why do I have to? It’s not fair!”

Normal Parent: “Because I asked you to do so and you need to follow rules.”

Me: “You think this isn’t fair? How about the fact I didn’t have enough time to brush my hair before we left? Or that my face is sagging? Or that the nurse at my doctor’s office just told me I have an old placenta?” 

 

#7. QUESTION: “Can I have more candy?”

Normal Parent: “You have had enough. That was your treat for the day.”

Me: “Sure, if you want your teeth to fall out.”

 

#8. QUESTION: “Can we have a dog?”

Normal Parent: “Maybe when you can show me that you are responsible and can help take care of a pet.”

Me: “Can’t we all agree I pick up enough poop right now?” 

“Help me potty train your sister and we might have a deal.”

“I might dry heave if I have to look at hair on the floor every day.”

“Will you be taking them to the veterinarian and clipping their nails?”

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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