Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Reset Button: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Lisa Rinna complained to Eden about Kim, Erika shot her music video before jetting off to Mykonos, Greece with Kyle, and Dorit hoped everyone would hit the reset button so they wouldn’t think she was an awful person. 

MUSIC VIDEO

Erika’s video shoot started early and required plenty of lingerie, spray tan, and “next level” screams from her choreographer Mikey. Lisa and Eileen lifted their jaws from the ground. Oh, to be that carefree and flush with cash. There were not enough duster sweaters or Daytime Emmys to give them that kind of opportunity.  Xxpensive was like a Whitney Houston video starring Farrah Fawcett sprinkled with Ke$ha.

Dorit left her nanny with her son Jagger so she could try on outfits with her under stimulated husband PK. As he drank from a glass go Chablis he scolded her for allowing Eileen to instruct her to keep her mouth shout though he did think she had a problem keeping her mouth shut.

REAL ESTATE

Mauricio and Kyle let Ken and Lisa star in an infomercial for his real estate company by showcasing an enormous property in Malibu. Porsha was as bored as viewers, so she made time pass by using Snapchat filters to make hideous photos of Lisa without her knowledge. “I can’t wait to have grandchildren,” said Lisa while daydreaming about kicking Porsha under the table. Mauricio broke up the tension by telling everyone the name Porsha had picked out for the yacht he had planned to buy her for her next birthday.

YOGA PANTS

Lisa and Eden shopped for yoga pants while dissecting the sobriety of Kim Richards. “Kyle stays quiet,” Lisa explained. It was a change from the early days (2010) when the Richards sisters came to blows in a limousine outside a restaurant. (Editorial note: Nearly everyone’s face has transformed since then). It had been Eden’s hope that given her ability to feel energy vibrations she would have connected more with Kyle the night of game night. Perhaps if she met her for tea or at one of the properties Mauricio has listed on the MLS they would have connected better?

“I would say Kim is mostly sober right now,” assessed Lisa. Eden wondered how she could help Lisa. It seemed impossible to Lisa given the way Kyle enabled her. “She’s afraid to turn her back on her sister because she is afraid she is going to die,” replied Lisa.

ENABLING

The next day Kyle and Lisa met Eden for lunch. Kyle and Lisa ordered plates of lettuce and Eden brought her own bottle of urine and seaweed juice. “I am on a cleanse,” Eden explained to the waiter. Kyle pulled off her deceased mother’s 10-carat engagement ring allowing Eden to stroke it. Eden wasted no time asking if Kim’s alcoholism was passed down from her mother, a question Kyle found inappropriate. “She just reminded me so much of my sister,” explained Eden. Kyle gulped and then tilted her head sideways. “She reminded you of your sister after spending an hour playing charades and human puppet?” 

BIRTH PARENTS

Lisa’s son Max wanted more information on his birth parents and met with an adoption attorney to review materials. “He wasn’t a pretty baby,” Lisa pointed out. Nevertheless she loved him as if she had given birth to him on her own. Ken suggested they hire a private detective to find the birth parents. It would be like the show Long Lost Family on TLC but without the network and they would reserve the right to confront his biological parents if they were losers.

MYKONOS

Kyle met Erika in Mykonos, Greece because she was performing at the Super Gay Greece Festival. Erika rented a house large enough to accommodate Kyle and her 10-person staff responsible for her hair, makeup, body glitter, wardrobe, and buckling her shoe straps. “I like Kyle because she is not judgmental,” Erika said. “I have stayed away from women who are gossipy and judge,” which was why she and Dorit would never exchange friendship bracelets. Kyle watched as they practiced their dance routine on the patio that afternoon. “Erika and I have very different lives,” said Kyle. “I wake up with my kids and make snacks and watch someone else do carpool while she gyrates against a naked man at a club after midnight.” The routine ended with Erika being thrown in a pool, which nearly destroyed her weave.

LET’S MEET

Dorit watched her nanny iron her kid’s pajamas as she held her daughter. “Is this the way you hold a child?” she asked with her Madonna accent. She noted she likes thing to be perfect, which was why she employed a staff of assistants and childcare professionals to maintain her home and offspring. She laid her daughter on the counter and walked into her home office so that she could call an unexpected Eileen. “Oh, hi, Dorit,” Eileen answered. She wondered if Eileen could get together to have a girl chat. “Things got a little out of hand the other night,” she explained, “perhaps we could sit down together and work it all out?”

RESET BUTTON

Over lunch Dorit explained her behavior the previous night was altered due to too many mojitos. She wondered why Eileen had to continuously bring up the fact that she always talks about Erika not wearing underwear. Though Eileen tried to interject so that she could point out Dorit had lost her marbles Boy George’s landlord would not let her speak. “You just won’t shut up,” said Eileen. They agreed they should all set a reset button so that they can re-learn that Dorit is a borderline awful person. Lisa wondered if anyone had a spare Valium.

NEXT WEEK:

Boy George holds a concert in a living room.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Recap, Reset Button

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Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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