Reality TV Stars

Recap – Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars

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On Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars a husband and wife marriage counseling team who look like country music lounge singers put five D-list reality star couples through intense emotional and physical exercises, drills and games to figure out if they should remain together.

The cast includes Tanisha from the Oxygen Network’s Bad Girls Club and her husband Clive, former Real Housewife of Orange County Gretchen and her slime ball boyfriend Slade, Jwoww from Jersey Shore and her fiancée Roger, Traci from Braxton Family Values and her husband Kevin, and Trista and Ryan from ABC’s The Bachelorette.

  1. Tanisha’s husband Clive has large pupils and is slightly cross eyed in addition to having lost his hearing. Tanisha explains they separated a month after marrying because of infidelity issues, but according to Clive it is because “I married the craziest bitch from the Bad Girls Club.” Divorce probability: Very high.
  2. Gretchen and Slade arrive second because they’ve actually been sitting in their car for two days prior to filming because they don’t have anything to do and miss being on a television show. Gretchen doesn’t want to get married because she’s done it once before and because her make believe fiancée, one of the Colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken’s relatives, passed away after gifting her with a cubic zirconia. But she wants to have a baby, a girl she hopes to call Jaguar Diamond that she can dress up in fringe outfits and flowered headbands. Slade is still the happy recipient of a vasectomy and unemployed. He doesn’t want a baby, he just wants someone who can co-sign on loans and become the beneficiary of a life insurance plan. Divorce probability: Not likely since they probably won’t get married unless a television network offers to pay for it.
  3. Jennifer of the Jersey Shore (aka Jwoww, which in whiskey tango translates as woman with enormous jugs) is engaged to Roger, a lover of hair gel and steroids. She worries the romance is gone. He worries their entire life will be spent on reality television, which is precisely why he has sought the help of actors posing as therapists to solve his relationship issues on national television. Her face is also so swollen from facial reconstruction it is hard to understand half of what she is saying. Divorce Probability: Pretty strong.
  4. Traci is one of the Braxton sisters and Kevin, according to his bio, is a “Man of God” who sleeps around. They used to be best friends but that has changed now that they have grown older, she has resigned to a fire red bowl hair cut and he has the salt and pepper French braid dreads of a professor of Women’s studies at a junior college. Divorce Probability: Low. They’ve already been married 17 years, so it would be hard to divvy up the record collection.
  5. Trista and Ryan got married 10 years ago in a televised wedding ceremony. It hasn’t been all red rose ceremonies for these two. She considers herself a communicator and he is a mute. It’s pay-back for him for the weeks he spent on ABC writing her poems and professing his love only to have her say to him things like, “well, that is super special” or “you are so so talented” and then admitting hours before he formally proposed that she was torn between him and the guy she dry humped in a fantasy suite days before. Divorce Probability: Low. He still carries her luggage upstairs.

In the premiere episode the couples are dropped off in a stretch limo at staggered times and left on the doorstep of a mansion in the San Fernando Valley that is likely going through foreclosure. After dropping their luggage in the front foyer they are given the chance to grab a cocktail, learn about the fellow train wrecks who will be sharing the faux French chateau, and then collectively sitting through a fake press conference peppered with questions about their underlying problems, individually and as a couple. Sample question: “Tanisha, do you have a drinking problem?”

The press conference included helpful confessional videos given by each castmate (except Ryan who was busy saving someone from a burning building). Highlights included Slade explaining that if Gretchen did decide to leave him it would be okay because as a 46 year old previously married man with two children and no job that there are plenty of beautiful women in the world that would want him and that the only time Jwoww wants to get it on with Roger is when someone is videotaping her.

Other important points:

Tanisha is a ticking time bomb. She should be kept away from lighter fluid.
Gretchen considers herself the “white Oprah.”
Slade thinks he and Toni Braxton are old friends.
Traci Braxton has no idea who Slade is and is almost positive her sister doesn’t either.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

0 Comments

  1. claudia

    May 31, 2014 at 5:24 am

    I am actually surprised that Trista & Ryan are on this show!

  2. Dlaughs

    May 31, 2014 at 5:24 am

    Your recap is Perfection with a capital P. I also think it is hilarious that in one of the show’s “interactive polls” the words “WHO’S relationship has the best chance of survival?” actually made it through editing….REALLY?!?!?

  3. Jenn Frazier

    May 31, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    Amazing!!!

  4. Sharon

    June 2, 2014 at 2:17 pm

    Great as always, Kate!

    Can’t wait to watch Gretchen and Slimeball fake their way through this one.

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