Real Housewives of New York
Meet Tinsley: Real Housewives of New York Recap
This week on Real Housewives of New York former “it girl” Tinsley Mortimer moves in with Sonja, Bethenny invites Carole and Ramona over to discuss Sonja’s new roommate, life and politics, and Sonja throws a Mad Hatter tea party to introduce everyone, except Dorinda, to Tinsley.
Tinsley Mortimer was once the “it girl” of New York City, but things went south after a notable divorce and an arrest in the front yard of an ex-boyfriend’s home in Palm Beach. One minute you are going to galas and the next getting a mug shot with your eyebrows pointed north. In order to make her way back into New York social circles she checked into the Sonja Morgan Home For Interns and The Dejected, sleeping in a bedroom once occupied by Sonja’s teenage daughter. “I am back in my city,” Tinsley whispered to herself as moldy dolls stared at her from a dusty bookshelf. She clung to her Frette sheet covered foam pillow praying someone with a better air conditioning system would offer her use of their empty apartment.
I CAN HELP YOU
Sonja ripped a page from a spare notebook and began writing down the qualities Tinsley would want in a new partner. It was important for them to have a job, a zest for life, and an endless bank account to purchase accessories and pay for her eyelash bills. “Play your cards right and you can have all of this,” said Sonja while turning in circles as a part of her scaffolding fell. But was Sonja the best person to offer advice on finding a man? She was still so upset Tom wouldn’t move past midnight hookups. Why would he want to marry Luann when he could have had a lady who was not only a fox in the sack, but could make a chicken parmigiana in a toaster oven?
It was Halloween and Bethenny invited Carole and Ramona over so they could discuss the newest cast member. Bethenny ripped into Carole for caring so much about the national election. Ramona purposely violated Bethenny’s no-shoes in my apartment rule because she harbored resentment for the way Bethenny seemed to overlook how she had nursed her back from fibroids. Now that Bethenny had a boyfriend she had little interest in returning her phone calls or even sharing photos of her newly adopted dogs. Once she gets what she needs from you she discards you like an empty roll of paper towels.
They all discussed the evidence they had compiled on Tinsley. “She had it all and it crashed,” said Bethenny, much like the Jason Hoppy store.
Carole, Ramona, and Bethenny agreed that Luann was deliriously ignorant. If she wants to marry Tom, she can dig her own hole. Ramona strained to keep her mouth shut. “You know more,” said Bethenny while sitting up right on a white couch in a catsuit. She withheld the information she discovered for the time being.
On the other side of town Luann and her daughter Victoria discussed Sonja’s unwillingness to let go of what could only be described as an imaginary relationship with Tom. “She wants what I have,” Luann said while trying on weird hats.
Ramona assured Dorinda, Luann’s bridesmaid, that it was best for everyone to move past the Regency Hotel incident of 2016. “Let it go,” said Dorinda before walking into cryotherapy chamber.
Despite all this Sonja still inexplicably believed she was in consideration to be a bridesmaid.
Sonja threw a mid-day mad hatter party to formally introduce Tinsley to the other women. Though the invitation requested they all wear color they all arrived in funeral attire, with the exception of Luann who dressed like Anne of Green Gables. “She said that dress is Ralph Lauren,” Bethenny told Sonja’s borrowed butler. “More like Salvation Army,” said the butler. “Oh, I like you,” Bethenny replied.
Ramona tied a scarf around her neck to camouflage bruises from a heavy make out session with one of her imaginary dates. She wondered how she would handle the fact she had invited both Sonja and Dorinda to her Hamptons house that weekend knowing they both couldn’t stand one another. “It’s surprising Sonja would spread rumors about my lifestyle given her colorful life,” said Dorinda. “I still haven’t accepted the fact Dorinda wouldn’t invite me to her house in the Berkshires because of my so-called problem with alcohol given her lifestyle,” said Sonja. It was basically the same argument.
Bethenny showed little interest in Tinsley, as she would with anyone who isn’t listed in Forbes Magazine. Ramona was impressed with the way Tinsley was so open about her divorce and arrest. “That takes a lot of balls,” she noted, “and I should know because I have two.”
OTHER THINGS THAT HAPPENED:
Dorinda’s daughter bought a coach and some light fixtures for an apartment paid with her father’s money. “Otherwise we would be living together forever like Grey Gardens.”
Ramona pretended she didn’t know Sonja’s neighbor Gigi. “Sorry, I meet a lot of people,” Ramona argued.
Tinsley explained that her secret to getting photographed was to have a consistent hairstyle.
Luann has an enormous head.
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