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Real Housewives of Orange County Recap

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Eat Up

Once the potatoes were firm, the meat was sliced, and the crème Brule was properly torched the guests sat down to dinner in the dining room. Terry was pleased to eat a meal made in someone’s kitchen versus picked up in a plastic bag on the way home from work. Heather, though a lovely wife, can barely pour a bowl of cereal. While everyone remarked on what a delicious meal she and her staff had prepared Shannon was too busy slowly carving off her husband’s balls. “After we got married I told David I could help him with his construction business. I’ve got ideas, I told him. But he said we could never work together,” she explained while licking the rim of her vodka tonic. David remained silent promising to address the issue with the wall of his shower later that evening. “We’ve married 13 years,” she slurred. “13 God forsaken years.” “Well, WE have been married for 17,” Heather wanted to point out. She tried to launch into a story about how she asked her friend to set her up with a very successful Jewish doctor but everyone ignored her. They wanted to shoot baskets on the indoor court.

Don’t Piss Off Heather

Heather wasn’t having it. Everyone was so impressed with Shannon’s chandeliers, her secret tearoom, and home gym. Her new mansion would rival this shit hole. She’d have a ballroom and a heated motorcade. Take that! While everyone shot baskets she remained in the window clenching her champagne glass. She was growing tired of everyone pointing out Shannon was fun. So what if she doesn’t want to shoot basketballs in someone’s home? Can Shannon sing show tunes? Can she recite for you the Declaration of Independence? She was fun. A couple of years ago she went to a nightclub without pantyhose. Sometimes when no one is looking she will take a sip out of a beer bottle. She took the kids to a water park four years ago. She’s fun.

Shotski

Tamra and Shannon headed back to the kitchen to throw back some shots. “Oh, I don’t know about this,” Shannon said. “I don’t normally drink full glasses of vodka. (She usually just swallowed from the bottle). Let’s make sure we wash it down with these herbal morning after pills. They are great. They get rid of toxins in your body and help you pry open your eyeballs the next morning.” Tamra was thrilled because she needed to be up early for Eddie’s step aerobics class the next morning. “Look, Heather, they are morning after pills. Looks like I won’t be having a baby tonight after all.” But that was impossible as Heather pointed out. “You can’t because of your tubal ligation.”

Friendless?

Heather has the misfortune of overhearing Tamra explain to Vicki that she should probably remove the large rod that was stuck in her rear. It was difficult for her because she realized in that moment that as she later explained to Terry in the limo ride down to the bottom of the hill she’d rather have one close friend versus 12 manufactured for television acquaintances. So she did what any friend in her position would do, she told Eddie she was concerned Tamra wanted another baby. “We both know she can’t actually physically grow a baby in her body, and even though it would take both of you to sign mountains of documents and money you don’t have to either adopt or find a surrogate she still wants a child. Just know that Eddie.”

Eddie pulled Tamra aside to confront her. Please don’t talk to Heather about whether we will at some point if ever add another child to this family. It already feels like the Brady Bunch, except I am the maid.

Fake Thanksgiving

Vicki invited everyone to her home for a fake Thanksgiving. Shannon was concerned because she and David didn’t like to travel that far inland. Would there be gas stations? Would small children with hair beads jump on their car and beg for money?

Chop Chop

Vicki was thrilled to make preparations for the meal. She threw some turkey in a pan, slathered it in a bottle of Italian dressing, and boiled the leftover neck and intestines in a large pot on the stove. Her grandson Troy crawled beneath her. Brianna and her husband were away for the weekend, which was probably a good idea. Last time Vicki and Brianna spent time together they argued about whether Brianna would be willing to give Brooks another shot. Brianna’s concern was that he was a pathological liar who was sucking her mother’s bank accounts dry while also subjecting her to psychological damage. So maybe it wasn’t the best idea to have him come over for Sunday dinner or join her in the delivery room when she shot another baby out of her lady cavity.

She needed to set some boundaries. Vicki’s therapist, who was really Brooks, had encouraged her to continue dating him and that at some point her daughter would just need to accept him. Fortunately for all the parties involved Brianna would be moving to Oklahoma anyway.

Love and Light

Shannon and Tamra were happy to help Vicki out with dinner. While Tamra cut carrots she wondered out loud why she had not heard from Heather. “Have you ever noticed she treats us like white trash,” Vicki noted. “Just because I lick alcohol off other people’s bodies, I wear Skye tops, and I bought new teeth for my boyfriend that makes me trashy.” Shannon suggested they just talk to Heather about how they feel. “I just don’t understand why it is so difficult for people to just be positive,” she exclaimed. “By the way where is that a-hole husband of mine? Has anyone seen him?”

Crazy Kids

As they sat around Vicki’s table and admired the various tchotchkes she’d purchased from the Sky Mall Catalog they discussed disobedient children. Shannon noticed she and her husband saw a big change in their daughter’s attitude when they got rid of their weekend nanny, the television, and any cell phones that caused higher radiation levels. “I think it is just this generation,” Vicki pointed out before her son Michael pushed the table, stood up, and turned and walked away while sticking his middle finger in the air.

Are We Friends?

A week later Tamra and Heather met up at Blue Fin for some sushi and a smack down by Fancypants Dubrow on how a friend should conduct themselves. If you want to be my friend then step up and be one. But Tamra didn’t explain that she would be a better friend if she wasn’t divulging the contents of the very private conversations she has with her friends on national television about wanting another a baby to her husband behind her back. So they agreed to just move on and enjoy their sashimi.

Next week: A new girl appears.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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