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Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: What Happened to the Potatoes?

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Brooks is Back

Vicki took Brooks back to the surprise of her tablemates. Not exactly the best news to share over shrimp cocktail, but after minutes in a therapist’s office she had come to the conclusion that it was worth it to fight for their relationship. After prayer and a quick glance at his almost empty bank account he came to the same conclusion. Her divorce was final a week so she did what any woman dating a freeloader would do, she invited him to move in with her. That way she could save the money on his rent and get to look at the veneers she bought first thing every morning. Did it mean Brianna might never visit her again? Maybe. But she was moving to Oklahoma anyway.

Tamra and Vicki wanted one last night of drinks. Maybe Fancypants Dubrow could throw back a vodka shot and get wild? Just for old times sake? But she had an early morning flight and integrity so she called it a night.

White Glove Service

Back in Newport Coast Shannon was getting her kids ready for cotillion classes, which teaches the art of ballroom dancing and the importance of wearing pantyhose. Husband David doesn’t understand the point since, as Shannon likes to point out, she came from privilege and he grew up in a sewer. It’s part of the reason they have a hard time communicating. He works hard because he’s self-made. She likes to get acupuncture.

Baby Time?

Tamra and Eddie have been married 5 months now. She has almost completed Operation Redecoration so now she’s wondering if they should consider a baby. He’d be a great dad. Look at the way he hangs those drapes! “Small problem,” Eddie explains. “Your baby cavity has been boarded up.”

Scary Party

Tamra threw a raging Halloween party for six people. Shannon showed up, which at first concerned Vicki until she found they were both post menopausal and shared the same astrological sign. Shannon had a pretty good time telling the girls all about how her husband doesn’t please her emotionally. Heather thought it was great, but didn’t understand why she needed to know all the things you would want to save for the family and marriage therapist’s office. Since Shannon wasn’t able to find anything to eat (superb food styling but how do you eat spoonfuls of marshmallow), she decided to invite the girls over for a normal dinner party where you can eat a full meal.

Meatballs

Back at Shannon’s mansion she fret over her dinner party. Should she serve meat? David felt it was too heavy given their coastal locale and most of their guests are on Adderall. God damn it. There’s David for you. Always shitting on Shannon’s dreams. He just does things to stoke the fire like taking lemons out of the bowl on the counter. 9 lemons, David. You take one out of the bowl and the house has bad feng shui. Are you prepared for that disaster?

Everyone Hates Vicki

Vicki has a tremendous relationship with her kids, which is why Brianna is moving to the middle of the country and Mike’s never let her see where he lives. On this particular morning Mike who works for Coto Insurance Services spent the night, washed his teeth, and let her know that her efforts to lose weight and get in shape were not working out. So much for that therapist that Vicki hired to appear on camera to publicly support her relationship with Brooks.

Who Asked Heather?

Heather, Shannon, and Tamra met up at The Bungalow for dinner. Shannon opened up conversation by explaining how she almost paid a holistic doctor to put jewels in her cavities until the “doc” found out she saved a nation in a previous life. “See, this is why I worry about people like you,” explained Heather. And there you go Fancypants Dubrow with your down-talking. People like you? You mean dip shits that let homeless men convince them to put pebbles in the holes in their teeth? “That’s not what I meant,” she tried to explain to a horrified Tamra. “I meant people with open hearts and limited brain capacity.” Tamra, on the other hand, was starting to consider having a family with Eddie. “I spend 50% of the time with 3/4 of my children. Maybe I should find baby?” Not a good idea, Heather instructed. “This phantom baby would be for the wrong reasons.” Shannon thought Tamra should talk it over with Eddie. “Tamra is not a communicator,” Heather explained. Back off, Coach. Can a woman speak?

Dinner From Hell

Terry and Heather took their limo for a ride up to Shannon’s palace. She would be a quasi neighbor once their castle was completed. Terry wondered if there would be enough parking. “I am sure they have an underground garage like our older home,” Heather explained. “Aren’t you so glad our new home will have a circular drive to accommodate our fleet of cars,” Terry asked before they both threw back their heads and laughed. Shannon was becoming unhinged because the staff had not cooked the potatoes long enough. Are you happy, America? She has to use a microwave now. You want some radiation potatoes au gratin? How was she supposed to sit in the living room and tell her guests about the crystals she had poured into the cement foundation if the potatoes were crunchy? David, who had already been screamed at for only bringing two bottles of wine home from the grocery was now under fire for not locating the blowtorch in the kitchen pantry and not cutting the meat. Meanwhile the rest of the guests can hear them arguing in the loving room. “Jesus, if they do that with us around imaging what happens when we leave,” Vicki wondered.

Shannon and David returned to their guests. Shannon, Vicki, and Eddie realized they were all Aries. But David is a Sagittarius. “I was once told by Shannon’s friend from the Dionne Warwick Psychic Network that Aries can never be satisfied with a Sagittarius,” David said. “And he’s been reminding me of it every day of our lives,” Shannon slurred before throwing back her vodka soda and then slamming the glass onto the table.

Next week: They eat dessert.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

0 Comments

  1. Lq

    April 22, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    Vicki is an insufferable hypocrite. Her therapy session really bothered me when she spoke about not wanting her daughter and grandson to move away and not ever turning back on family ( or something to this effect) 1) Brianna and Troy can’t move from Vicki but it was fine for Vicki to move her kids away from their father and grandparents 2) she says she’s all about family but she’s been divorced twice… at some point the common denominator (Vicki) may be the issue. Anyway for someone who doesn’t turn back on family she threw in the towel on 2 marriages. Vicki seems to only like to use the family card when it fits her agenda

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