Real Housewives of Orange County

New Outlooks: Real Housewives of OC Recap

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This week on the season premiere of season 12 of Real Housewives of Orange County Vicki expanded her business offices, Tamra and Lydia held a bible study, Shannon had new weight gain, and Meghan and Jim celebrated their new baby.

QUINOA TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED?

Though Shannon and David renewed their wedding vows eight months ago they had drifted apart. “You know wedding vow renewal ceremonies are the mark of a disaster,” said almost everyone who knew her, but she liked the idea of hitting the refresh button on their marital union. What better way than pledging eternal love to one another in a hotel garden while cameras filmed them? The emotional distance and Vicki’s previous season harassing had affected her weight, the stress of keeping everything together too much at times. How can one juggle the rearing of well adjusted kind children with the work it takes someone over 50 to have the body of someone with normal hormone levels? She spooned quinoa into bowls in the kitchen as David walked in from work. He tried his best to withhold the vomit making it’s way up his esophagus because he knew how much she treasured cooking him a delicious meal for dinner. “No, it’s fine,” he said while gripping the kitchen counter, “it’s just not as delicious as a Mastro’s steak,” he replied.

INSURANCE EXPANSION

The insurance industry had weathered a short storm and because of it the offices at Coto Insurance were busting at the seams. Three years ago Vicki leased an office with a waterfall in the lobby because she didn’t have enough room in her home office to accommodate all her file folders. “This is my legacy for my kids and grandkids, “ Vicki explained of her insurance business, and presumably not about her defunct bacon vodka brand or the cruise ship week dedicated to learning how to sell contracts between an insurance policy holder and an insurer. Her old pal Kelly would sometimes swing by for a quick lunch or coffee by the conference room white board where she famously wrote one thousand instead of one million dollars when explaining policy goals.

“Doesn’t Tamra have her business down the street?” asked Kelly. “You mean the gym with an empty parking lot?” Vicki added. They wondered if Tamra was still in fighting shape after they endured her fitness competition the previous spring. “It was like watching paint dry,” said Kelly. Vicki wondered if any of the contestants had jobs. Surely they had time for a career outside of weighing food and prancing around in Lucite heels while lathered in body oil? Vicki referred to Tamra as a testosterone fueled psycho and then immediately wondered why they all couldn’t just get along. Maybe this had to do with popularity?

BIBLE STUDY

Tamra had not spoken to Lydia in years. Four years after an explosive ski trip marred by accusations of Vicki having a threesome Lydia wiped her hands of the show, but after seeing that Tamra had found the Lord she reconsidered her disinterest in being on the show. She needed God’s help and since Lydia had an available spot in her bible study she drove all the way to Newport Beach to expose herself to women she’d never met. “Have you spoken to Vicki?” asked Lydia. It had been hard for Tamra to get past Vicki telling the world her husband was not straight. Had she not seen the episode when they got it on in a bathtub? What about the times he fondled her biceps during CUT Fitness workouts?

“How are the other girls?” asked Lydia. “I pray for Kelly,” said Tamra. Was there anyone she didn’t pray for?

Lydia suggested all the girls go out for lunch before a group of strangers divulged the moment when they felt like God had abandoned them. Tamra wept as she explained how she had not spoken to her 18-year-old daughter in three years to a group of women with toddlers.

NEW BABY

Meghan and Jim were elated with their baby girl Aspen, born on Thanksgiving Day. The new mother was proud of the way the little weight she gained while pregnant had melted off her body. “Thank you to genetics and breast milk supply,” she explained. Meghan was delighted with the way Jim was so good with their baby, which was not entirely surprising since he had four other kids. Jim could swaddle, he understood how to properly use a wipe and diapers. He also had opinions about accessorizing, what fabrics were too form fitting on baby thighs, and obviously the ideal candle scent for a nursery.

NEW LOVE

Vicki admittedly had horrendous luck with love. She married her first husband because of the way his junk fit in stonewashed jeans. She married Donn because of the way he carried a garden hose. She was in a tumultuous relationship with Brooks for five years because he had reminded her of a southern cowboy, strapping but with a set of veneers she purchased. Steve was a former homicide detective who enjoyed moonlight nights in her remodeled home. He overlooked the way she sometimes spilled salsa on his Tommy Bahama blouses or the fact her last boyfriend roped her into a cancer lie.

WHAT DOES BRIANA SAY?

Briana was happy for her mother, especially since she was no longer dating someone who hit on her when her mother left the room. He didn’t mind that her mother helped her most days with her kids while her husband remained in Oklahoma; in fact he often helped her as well. “Do you want to get married again?” Briana asked her mother while her boys performed Fight Club in the background. Vicki was unsure.

KELLY

Kelly and Michael were taking things one day at a time. She enjoyed the moments when he wasn’t attached to her hip so she could enjoy fun moments, like whether she should get vaginal rejuvenation with her mother. If she wasn’t swinging from the rafters at least someone else should be. “I am fine just talking to strangers at Starbucks,” her mother replied.

DRESSING IT UP

Tamra and Shannon remained close friends, sharing sweet moments like prom dress shopping at teen stores. As Tamra’s niece and Shannon’s oldest daughter looked for casual gowns Shannon lamented again on her weight gain. Tamra worried it had less to do with Vicki and more to do with not coming to terms with David’s affair.

NEW LOOK

Tamra was mid-squat when she explained to Eddie that Lydia was intent on everyone meeting for lunch. “Should I do it? Should I meet with Vicki,” she asked? Sure! Go out with the woman who thinks I am disinterested in your boobs! Maybe you guys can start a book club? Have her come down so I can teach a kettle ball class! Tamra got his point and pivoted the discussion to redecorating the gym. Perhaps they had outgrown the canvas art depicting him staring into another man’s eyes on a biking trail? Maybe they could paint over the mountain mural covering the corner of a warehouse in a strip mall? Maybe the old sweat palace needed a makeover.

LYDIA

Lydia and Doug now had three children and lived in a bright home with an un-gated backyard pool. Sometimes motherhood overwhelmed her. “You miss your kids when you are gone and then you walk through the door and you remember why you left,” she explained. Living in Newport Beach meant less time with her mother who still enjoyed smoking pot. The moments of her walking down the street and pouring confetti off their balcony so the maid could clean it up were now fewer and far between. They loved spending time together as a family wearing matching leather jackets in an Escalade brand golf cart to the park or observing their middle child complain about the luxurious lifestyle they offered him.

It was with that same bright spirit she suggested to Vicki they meet for tea at the Balboa Bay Club. The last time Vicki had been there was for Tamra’s baptism in the hotel pool. It was also the same night she reminded everyone that like Jesus she had been nailed to a cross. She explained to Lydia that while she respected her optimism the idea of one day becoming friends with someone who bullied her was unlikely. “Have you ever been conned by someone?” Vicki asked Lydia who brushed her long hair from her face and thanked herself and the waitress for bringing not one but two margaritas.

NEXT WEEK:

Shannon and Lydia hate each other.

New, Real Housewives of Orange County Recap, Lydia, Shannon, Vicki

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

2 Comments

  1. Lindsay

    July 11, 2017 at 11:53 am

    Oh my gosh, all I could also notice about Lydias house is that she has 3 young kids and no pool fence!
    Never mind the large body of water in the background.
    I cannot believe people still leave their pools unprotected.

    • mm

      Kate

      July 11, 2017 at 12:29 pm

      AGREED!

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