Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Tornado Alley
SOMETHING IS FISHY
“I don’t even know how to cook rice,” Meghan said while pouring a box of rice into an empty pot. “I’m about to blow your mind,” said Jim. “There’s this fascinating development in food packaging called directions. You turn the box around and you can learn how to make something play by play.” In Meghan’s mind things were back on track in their marriage. Jim had learned that she needed an ally when subjected to middle-aged catfights. She learned that he’s miserable when forced to spend time with her, particularly when she’s dressed up like an 8 year old wearing a wig at an S&M party. But she was still understandably upset about Vicki going ballistic on her while they stood in front of the table covered in whips. All she ever did was sort-of care about Brooks’ treatment plan. “Something is fishy,” she said while chewing on a piece of over-cooked salmon. “You should also know this entire meal is only 290 calories.”
WHAT’S WRONG WITH VICKI?
Over in Eastbluff (between the frozen yogurt shop and the place where my son takes tai Kwan do) Shannon and Heather met up for cocktails. “I will take a few droplets of Pellegrino accompanied by a chilled glass of straight vodka for the win,” said Shannon to the waiter. “And I will do the same,” said Heather before clanging glasses. Oh, how things had
changed. Last year Heather asked Shannon to remove herself from the Dubrow home. Now they were catching up like two old pals from the worst sorority on campus. “Can you believe I am wearing white,” said Heather. It was a bold move. Not because she was on the last day of a heavy period, but because she’d finally given her body enough time to recover from a flesh-eating worm sucking the blood from her abdomen. “How about Vicki last night,” asked Shannon? “I tried to defend my friend but she’s gone over the deep end. She was supposed to stay on script. I’m pissed because Meghan accused the man I love of making up a disease to get access to my home to establish residency suddenly became good luck with your 2 year sham of a marriage, Mr. Baseball.” It had just seemed like the death of her mother coupled with the after effects of various surgical procedures and menopause had put Vicki into a strange emotional place. What was happening to their friend they only speak to when they film the show?
Vicki, by the way, was stuck in Oklahoma with her daughter Briana, her husband who was unable to work because of back surgery, and their two small children. Briana was happy to report in the year since she moved to a state she believed is the center of hell her mother had visited 14 times. It was helpful because she was working two different jobs and needed the help. She rewarded her mother by letting her take small beer breaks in the trap door of her garage floor in the event they were stuck in the middle of a tornado.
Tamra had been experiencing a spiritual awakening. The ongoing custody battle she was fighting against her ex-husband Simon coupled with her behavior exposed on last season of the show made her seek a new story line and reason for living. Pastor Mike was eager to hear about her newfound eagerness to understand the Church and invited her (and Eddie) to meet with him in his office. “Let me start by saying that I am totally down with you and what you are doing and what you are about to bring to the table,” said Tamra. “But I need to be honest with you. I know as a pasture of the Lord you can baptismasize adults. Last night I had a sex party to celebrate a sex video I made with this tall glass of tequila sitting next to me. I wore a lace catsuit and nipple clamps. After the party I took a joy ride on a swing dangling from the chamber we installed in our shed. Can I still get baptimolled and remain the same person? In other words, can I still be a horrible person and get dunked in water at a hotel pool?” Pastor Mike was confused. His secretary had just said someone from a local television station named Tammy was going to stop by and ask him questions about baptism permits. How was he supposed to answer this woman’s questions without having his eyes cross? But Tamra was insistent that this portion of the season would be devoted to new beginnings, similar to the Ramona Singer of New York journey of new openings. Why can’t a woman be a kitten in the bedroom and still be super involved in an offshoot of a mega-church?
Back in Oklahoma Briana, Vicki, Ryan, and the kids had sat down for a steakhouse birthday dinner. It wasn’t exactly the day Briana had always dreamed of having to live in the middle of the country without family or friends or malls that weren’t built around a Sears. The good thing about having to rely solely on your husband for conversation and support was that it strengthened your relationship. “You live in a shit hole, but it’s good that you don’t have to listen to outside influences trying to damage your happiness together,” said Vicki, an obvious nod to mounting concern her boyfriend was taking her to the cleaners. Saint Briana would establish that Brooks was still widely disliked by the greater Vicki Gunvalson circle of family, friends, co-workers, colleagues, neighbors, assistants, and fellow man. But on this evening she withheld her disgust because she was worried she might be stuck in a horrible natural disaster.
Heather and Terry met with product people to discuss their skincare line, which they planned to sell on a home shopping channel. Had they ever watched one of these channels? Uh, no. Had they ever purchased anything from a home shopping channel? God Lord, no. But they’d invested one million dollars of their own so that people of the world could achieve affordable tight skin. Who better to tell you what constitutes a reasonable amount of money for a daily moisturizer than a couple building a chateau with 14 bathrooms and a room devoted to stocking their luggage?
MARITAL REPAIR DINNER
Shannon was busy at home. Her kids had worked all day in their toxin free kitchen so they could prepare what they hoped would finally bring their parents marriage back on track. “We know you have been so miserable together since Dad’s affair and hope that the sheet cake we baked you will help remind you of what your therapist has told you will be a very long 2 years before you can see past his indiscretions.” Shannon and David nodded. They were proud of their girls for being such good listeners when they sat them down every night and gave them updates on their psychological state. They were sweet girls and were obviously capable of understanding the complexities in an unraveling relationship despite the fact they didn’t have fully developed prefrontal cortexes, which is the part of the brain that weighs outcomes, forms judgments and controls impulses and emotions.
LET HIM GO
Tamra and Eddie were enjoying their first glass of sake when she let him know that the chunk of change they’d hoped to use towards a new bathroom at the gym would be going towards Ryan’s moving fund. “I told Ryan that when he and his fiancée and her 12 kids moved down to Orange County that I would be willing to hand him $8,000 that he will most definitely never repay me so I can be closer to my new grandchild. It’s not a big deal though, right?” Eddie sat back and clenched his jaw and his set of chopsticks. “I am not working my very toned butt off every day at the aerobics gym so I can financially support your 30 year old son and the new family he took on when he met that lady friend of his on Instagram. I know you love to enable him, but at some point you will need to cut the umbilical cord. Again, I think your son who had a hard time managing calls at the front desk is a very nice person, but I am not financially supporting him because you’ve promised him that he’s always got a spot waiting for him back at ma’s house. You read me?” Sure, sure, sure, she’d say. She would make sure Ryan paid her back. It might be in 20-NEVER, but that’s what Eddie wanted to hear, so she agreed.
Vicki was just about to leave when she surprised Briana with the gift of a new car. She was a hard worker and her husband was serving the country and it was her 28th birthday, but as we would find out it was probably more of a bribe. Before Vicki could finish her glass of beer and head back home Briana made the valiant point that upon her trip back to visit her mother in Southern California in the next week and a half she and her family would most likely be staying at a motel within the vicinity of Coto de Caza. It just didn’t make sense finding places for everyone to sleep in her childhood home when Brooks had moved in despite her repeated statement that she did not her children to ever be in his presence. It’s hard to stay in your mom’s house when the gold digging liar that she calls her lover has his collection of pleated pants and Brooks and Dunn memorabilia all over your childhood room. “Brooks will be traveling so he won’t be there anyway, so it will all be fine,” Vicki promised. But Briana threw out the nurse card. As someone who had worked in a hospital and had colleagues that specialize in the treatment of cancer they’d never heard of someone with stage 3 cancer traveling on planes. What if he got the flu? What doctor would let him fly? She wasn’t saying he was a liar, she was just saying… well, that he was a liar. “Really, Briana? You want to do this on camera? Have you forgotten I just bought you a brand new Yukon XL the cover of snow and angel wings? What about all the crap I just bought your kids at that toy store down the street from that steakhouse that has disgusting mashed potatoes? You promised me!” But Briana, patron Saint of Bravo entertainment and empress of the Real Housewives of Orange County legacy would not be manipulated. “She was more willing to make me look like a royal A-hole than that sack of shit she calls a boyfriend who, by the way, is probably counting stacks of her money in her living room with his dirty shoes on her velvet couch.”
NEXT WEEK: Tamra’s mom goes on a date, Meghan finds out Brooks’ doctor doesn’t treat cancer, and Brooks and Tamra have a girl fight.
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