Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Consider The Source
Heather wanted a cold glass of champagne and because the gourmet kitchen in her chateau was nowhere yet complete she settled on the dining room of the Surf n Sand hotel. Because of her role on the show and Terry’s reputation for repairing the majority of the county’s botched breast implants the hotel’s restaurant afforded her the opportunity to guzzle cocktails in relative privacy. One cannot enjoy a glass of bubbly at the Cheesecake Factory when you are Orange County royalty. Plus her old friend Alfredo worked as the shift manager. He’d seen her through many chapters of her life including the years she drank Amstel Light and Midori sours (too many calories). Meghan joined her after a short trip back to the mid-west with Jim only to return and find out her step-terror Haley had thrown a 200-person kegger in their house. “Was she disciplined,” asked Heather? She was for 24 hours until she notified her parents she had aced her homeschool test in People Magazine’s crossword puzzles. Besides, she wanted to attend Stagecoach. This, of course, was the problem Meghan faced as a stepparent and relatively new addition to the Edmonds inner circle. How can you stepparent a child whose mom and dad threw in the parenting towel years and years ago?
Shannon was late because she was repositioning the marriage repair crystals in the corner of her bedroom. Meghan, who had made it clear Shannon was a lunatic in previous episodes was now embracing her older sister-friend because she was able to transfer her cancer-fighting connections to Jim’s first wife since Brooks preferred to be healed from his imaginary disease with green juices and long walks. “Forget what I said about Shannon being the devil, I’ve come to realize she’s got a good heart,” said Meghan.
A SIDE OF BRUSSEL SPROUTS
“Can I have what is the most low-calorie and yeast resistant item on the menu,” Shannon asked Alfredo? “I’d also like a plate of limes that I can dip in my vodka.” (Meghan ordered a side plate of Brussels sprouts because she was starving). “Do you guys think you can come tomorrow to my horoscope party in honor of the Chinese year of the ram,” Shannon asked. Meghan needed to know if Brooks would also be there. He had made it clear to everyone that although he was not a woman or a housewife living in the County of Orange that his health was not something that should be discussed on camera. “He just wants us to respect that he doesn’t want to talk about his health issues because of HIPAA laws and because he’s making up the diagnosis most of the time on the fly,” explained Shannon.
“Well, it turns out I called that sack of lies’ doctor’s office and the receptionist there said the doctor doesn’t take care of cancer patients,” said Meghan who had undergone an online course on stalking through the University of Phoenix. “Wait, what?” asked Heather fully knowing she’d already done her own investigating the previous night on her laptop while Terry slept beside her in a sleep apnea mask. “But what happened when a spot opened up in this doctor’s office for Brooks,” Heather asked. Wouldn’t he take advantage of the opportunity to get medical help from one of the nation’s foremost experts in oncology? “He said he had to cancel because he had gone outside with every intention of going to the appointment but some crazed person ran past the house with soccer cleats, kicked his back tires, and he was left with two flat tires,” explained Shannon.
Shannon threw a party for her friends born under the first Zodiac sign. When life gives you lemons throw yourself a backyard birthday party with expensive flowers, specially made martinis, and an organza dragon in your pool. Although Meghan came bearing gifts (a bottle of Fireball purchased at the grocery store and wrapped in a coin purse), her real mission was to confront Brooks. Over the last few days she’d had enough time to obtain pertinent information related to his possible previous attempts at pretending he was dying from a terminal illness. She found a blog, for example, that included commentary from a previous ex-girlfriend (handle name: BROOKSISTHEDEVIL) who insisted that he was such a slime ball he’d create a make believe health matter. Meghan was able to deduce the location of this former girlfriend in a small town in Mississippi, which coincidence or not, is the same town where a friend from college happened to drive through at some point. It was because of this connection she was able to find out the mystery woman’s phone number, address of her mobile home, and her social security number.
YOU MUST STOP
As Meghan curled her hair at home pre-party she let Jim know that things might get a little sticky that evening. “I am going to share with you limited information about a situation that arose while I was at home with a bottle of wine and a Wi-Fi password. What you need to know is I contacted one of Brooks’ old flames.” Jim asked her to refrain from moving forward. “I don’t want to know any more. You must stop this Internet research.” (He was pretty hands off when it came to disciplining his daughter, but was more than happy to scold his wife). But when they arrived at Shannon’s home she realized the rest of the women were just as anxious to understand why Brooks still maintained he was on deaths door while sporting the kind of tan one could achieve spending a week in the Caribbean and the waist of someone who had been enjoying a bottomless gift certificate to Jamba Juice. Heather pointed out that the doctor he had mentioned at the aerobics studio that was now treating him is a colleague of Terry’s. How can that guy offer cancer treatment suggestions when he spends his day referring clients suffering with cellulite and saddlebags to Dr. Dubrow? Heather didn’t want to get involved, but this was getting interesting.
UNTIL THERE IS A CURE
On the way over in the limo Vicki insisted she would let Meghan know she should respect her elders. A 30 year-old with a laptop should know better than to ask a mooch why his stories couldn’t hold up in an oncologist’s office. Brooks assured her that if things got too technical he’d just walk away. For example, if someone asked if he’s ever actually seen a doctor that specializes in treating cancer he would just go to the restroom so he could wipe the spray tan from his beaded forehead. What he did not figure into his plan was that Meghan was ready to play. Come on kitten; come get your ball of yarn. And even though Jim had been kept in the dark on her plot to take down the house of Vicki and Brooks he would sit beside his wife when Brooks changed course and asked to speak with them as a couple on the leather couches off the patio. “Here’s what I have a problem with,” Brooks said while trying to keep his moisturized lips around the whitened veneers Vicki had paid for a few seasons ago. “You are violating my boundaries by contacting old girlfriends via text conversations. I need you to leave me alone.” But Meghan wanted to make it known that she wasn’t the only one asking questions. Take, for example, everyone at the detox center where he gets coffee colonics or the person at Kinkos who has been charging him every week for making photocopies of someone else’s heath charts. (Vicki also confirmed she’s clueless about his health when she couldn’t remember whether his “doctor” wanted him to do 90 days of chemotherapy treatments). Vicki asked that Meghan send she and Brooks well wishes and prayers. “It’s all we would want because we are good people,” she said. Meghan smirked and promised to continue to ask questions about cancer until there’s a cure.
CONSIDER THE SOURCE
But before the conversation ended Meghan needed to make sure Vicki understood that if she were to make assumptions about the lifetime of her marriage she would be willing to dig into the fantasy that her boyfriend had created on camera. “By the way, Brooks, did you tell Tamra that Jim told you that of the 4 months we had been married he was only happy for two?” Jim continued to stare at the coffee table. Brooks denied it. “Consider the source,” he said attempting to cover up his calculated move by throwing Tamra under the bus. But when Meghan informed Tamra of his dig she went ballistic. “Can you confirm that you called me a liar approximately two minutes ago in Shannon’s family room,” she barked at the man she had until then tried so hard to pretend to like for the sake of her friendship. “Can you tell the truth for once in your life with those pleated pants and face covered in bronzer?” But Brooks denied it like any reasonable housewife trying to avoid an eye fight. “Consider the source means whatever you want it to mean. Just keep living, my lady. It’s what I try to do every day when I wake up and think about the chemo treatments that I probably should get if I was really sick.” Vicki needed Tamra to understand that she was starting to look like a fool. “I look like a fool? Your boyfriend is doing confessionals on a show about housewives? He doesn’t have a vagina!!!!???!!”
Unrelated Footage: Tamra set up her mom on a blind date with a member of the Screen Actor’s Guild and informed her penniless son that Eddie had concerns he would never give her the money she loaned him to find a home rental. Ryan informed her he doesn’t think he wants to get married because between his fiancée, her three daughters from a previous relationship, and his new baby there’s too much estrogen. He also thinks watching his mother fail at three other marriages has screwed him up, which is his go-to way of getting his mother to cry and fork over more guilt cash.
Next Week: Brooks meets up with a detox lady so he can continue pretending and Heather draws a picture of a tree that can be etched into a steel door.
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