Reality TV Stars

Real Housewives of New York Recap – LoveandKnuckles

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Real Housewives of New York Premiere Recap

BETHENNY

Bethenny had returned to the Real Housewives of New York, but not with great joy. She had developed a be-skinny empire, but was now in the middle of a divorce. Sure, she was technically a ga-billionaire, but what does that matter when you have to live out of suitcases in the Presidential suites of New York’s most expensive hotels? She had a daughter living in the apartment she built from the marble floor and matching knobs up, but with the man she married at The Four Seasons despite being 8 months pregnant and having to urinate in a champagne bucket. “Mommy’s got to sleep at the Hilton because daddy won’t pack up his stuff and leave like a man who has testicles.” It didn’t make sense to her, much less anyone else, and specifically her fleet of assistants and hair stylist.

KRISTEN

Things were fine with Kristen. Her kids were growing and her husband Josh was starting to understand that when he impregnated her he would be 50% responsible for their well being. It was relief because it meant she was more available to meet her friends out for drinks and get to wear nice clothes and high heels.

LUANN

Luann was single and had purchased a smaller home on the water in The Hamptons. With the kids out of the house and her old nanny Marisol back in El Salvador there really wasn’t a need any longer for a palatial beach house. To celebrate her new digs she was inviting all the girls over for cocktails because it was the nice thing to do and it provided an opportunity for them all to be in the same room while cameras were filming. She had a rocky road with Bethenny (there was a beautiful montage of the moments Bethenny told her she was a shitty friend and a horrible human being) but things were looking up after she was kind enough to invite her up to the hotel suite and offer her several treats from her Skinny Fab Girl snack and alcohol line. Seize a marketing opportunity, people!

RAMONA

Ramona was finally able to admit that things were pretty craptastic with Mario for the last few years. The reason her eyeballs almost burst out of her head was because when the Singers were in social settings he would beg her to keep silent about his interest in sleeping with women that were not she. (He explained it was her fault he needed to stray because she was mean to him and he hated his life. A 60 year old man should be able to drive a Corvette with a woman just out of high school with daddy issues). If she would have admitted that they were not in fact deliriously happy he would Taser her. She admitted this much to her old gal pal Sonja when they met for lunch in the city. But Sonja could not offer the comfort she was seeking because Sonja was too consumed with rehashing her own divorce. “Listen, I get it Singer, it’s hard and I would understand because many years ago my previous husband decided it was over even though I was an incredible wife and lover. I lost our yacht in St. Tropez and all of the silver.” It was oddly the first time Ramona became aware that Sonja likes to be the center of the world. “She’s changed,” Luann had explained earlier to Bethenny. She would find comfort later with her other very good friend Dorinda who is such a close friend she had never seen her apartment.

DORINDA

Dorinda is a sassy lady. She was married but got a divorce and then remarried only to lose him to illness. Despite it all she’s found love with a meatball who runs a dry cleaning business that caters to very wealthy people and museums. Her daughter Hannah still lives with her, which is understandable because she’s 35 and just figuring out how to live out in the world on her own. She’s a sweet girl even though she steals her credit card so she can buy Fendi bags and shoes and wears very bright red lipstick.

SONJA

Sonja is good. She’s really making things happen with her businesses that are over here and there. She’s learned she can’t tell the other girls anything about her work because they are just haters. Don’t ask her about the god damn toaster business. She’s more than that. She’s Sonja Tremont Morgan, former movie producer of a movie that was never actually made. She’s got a team of branding and marketing experts helping her start all of her companies in this and that in countries like Tilapia and Twinkledorf and even Guam. This would not all be possible, thank you very much, if it were not for her team of spiritual advisors, her pack of unpaid (and malnourished) interns, and her facialist who covers her in placenta fluid each week so she can reverse the aging process.

APARTMENT HUNTING

Bethenny met with Frederik from Million Dollar Listing: New York to find a place where her staff can work. Its too hard having them answer calls and emails from the back of cars and hotel bathrooms. She saw a lovely place that was decorated with rotted fruit and a hooker’s left over red gloves. Although she didn’t find anything she did have a nice conversation with her real estate agent about her concern that she can’t have a baby via a sperm donor because she doesn’t have anywhere to live. She’s got a place being renovated, the apartment she still owns with her husband, and the back of her town car, but where do you keep a crib? The good thing is she gets to wear fancy clothes and dance with Jamie Foxx on stage. She’s willing to do anything now without feeling concern or shame that others are watching. For example, she would be perfectly happy getting it on with a pig in the middle of a park. That is incase anyone is asking.

NEXT WEEK: Bethenny informs Ramona at Luann’s house at the Hamptons that she has no interest in having a friendship.

Real Housewives of New York Premiere Recap

Real Housewives of New York Premiere Recap

 

Kate is a humor writer covering pop culture including celebrity gossip analysis and show recaps, pregnancy, and parenting.

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