Real Housewives of New York Recap – Hold My Hair
HOLD MY HAIR
Carole started seeing Adam, the guy who was in Luann’s kitchen last week making meatballs and boiling vegetable oil. She hadn’t told Luann yet because he used to date her niece Nicole and she wasn’t positive it was going to last anyway. During a coffee meeting on a bench in the middle of New York City she confessed to Heather that on their first date she took him to a rave, swallowed a gummy bear, began hallucinating, and then projectile vomited all over him and the street. “He gave me a lift on his Schwinn and the drugs made me think I was being thrown into the Grand Canyon.” But she thought it was fine because he stayed the night anyway and it was her experience that men like it when a girl pukes. It shows they have a vulnerable side and explains yellowing teeth.
Bethenny hated her birthday because she shared it with her mother. She described this on a previous episode of Bethenny Is Getting Married and Plans On Staying That Way. But now she was divorced and living out of a hotel despite her incredible wealth and having the body of a 20 year old. Why not throw some water on this grease fire by inviting your staff and a bunch of women from the show she can barely stand? The upside? Sonja was conscious enough to get dressed and bring her new 24-year-old German boyfriend who was hoping to use the show to launch his US modeling career. So comfortable was he that he extended an invitation to someone else’s birthday party to his roommate Matt who was young and a model and also hopeful the night would culminate with sleeping with a Cougar. “Do you remember the Jordache ads? JOR-DASH. The jean company,” Carole asked them. I’m sorry, ma’am, I think you are pronouncing the name wrong. But she wasn’t because she was the fit model in 1984, before they were born. Bethenny rose from her seat to give herself a toast. “As you know, this day is not one I enjoy. We can get into that more on the spin-off I plan to pitch to the network. But surprisingly I don’t want to murder anyone tonight. I am having nice evening though I have no idea who these two idiots are drinking all the Vodka and stealing the silverware. So raise your glass for me and for you and for the Skinnygirl Brand, because why have a moment of camera time if you are not peddling one of your products?”
Kristen was just minding her own business watching the nanny Jiminy plate that evening’s dinner when Heather called to inform her that she had not been invited to Bethenny’s dinner the previous evening. “Would you be upset Jiminy if you just met someone and then you found out they had an intimate dinner for their staff and a couple other people she’s known more than a week and you were not invited?” Jiminy didn’t care. The issue arose days later when Heather brought it up over dinner with Bethenny. “I’ve just got to address a situation that is petty and has nothing to do with me. Kristen Taekman is very upset she was not included in the dinner celebrating the anniversary of your birth.” But Bethenny made it clear that she was bored by the stupid conversation by pretending to sleep and then suggesting Kristen get a life. “Why would I invite someone I barely know? The only reason you came was because Carole and I were vibing off each other the night before and I let her invite you as a plus one.” Heather was confused. “You mean you didn’t invite me for me?” Bethenny explained again. “No, I let you tag along with Razz. Also, my god damn name is Bethenny. It’s not Beth or B or hot mama. My name is Bethenny. Ya got it, Heathrow?”
NO LOVE LOST
Also discussed at that dinner was Dorinda’s unenviable position of having to keep her boyfriend John and daughter Hannah in separate pockets of her life. The problem, you see, is that they hate each other. John likes to talk about dry cleaning and eat everyone’s food. Hannah likes to whine and mooch. But in the end she will always choose Hannah because she’s her daughter. John doesn’t understand this because Hannah is 21 and should not technically be living with her mother who still books her dentist appointments. There was also some talk about being a widow. “Do you think you can re-brand the term for what you become when the love of your life is deceased,” Bethenny put in the easiest possible way? Carole was unsure death needed a rebranding. What she could say was that she had been a wild goose chase trying to locate her late husband’s ashes, which needed to be removed from a Catholic church in England that had been sold to build condos. So it was an uplifting sushi dinner on all fronts.
Also, Ramona is investing in a restaurant called AOA (Always Own Angeldust) with a man named Peter who would like to bone her.
NEXT WEEK: Sonja may have tried to dry hump Dorinda’s boyfriend and is running a delusional dress company.
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