Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part 2 Recap
Teresa crapped in her Spanx while Rosie started torching cars back stage. But Lauren got her to put down the hedge cutters. So Andy tried to pivot the situation by bringing Rosie to the stage and playing a video segment about coming out to her niece and nephew. How did the kids take it, he asked? “They watch The Ellen Show and love Clay Aiken so they understand my people”, she explained. “Plus it is the year 2012 and I wear wrestling pants. So not really a shocker.” But the announcement just brought the family closer together. How’s her dating life now? Pretty steady, but the footage on national television of her promising to cut out her cousin’s tongue and then rip her head off her body might not have helped.
Teresa said she believed Caroline spent the entire season bullying her but was unable to provide one example. “The whole season”, she would say when asked. Just one example was all Caroline needed. But math was not Teresa’s strong suit, so it confused her. Then she declared Melissa was not really a singer. She lip-syncs her songs. She uses “auto-moan”, not understanding that the term was actually “auto-tune”. So she challenged her to perform the song live. So Melissa sang a couple bars from a little “diddy” she wrote sitting on the dock of her shore shack. “Of all these days, you and me do what’s going on around the bend tonight.. Aaaaw yeah.” See! Even this song is about me, Teresa cried. (She also thought the Emmy award singing smash on “On Display” was also about her because the song included the words everybody, me, and waiting. It was obvious). But Melissa then explained that in fact the rest of the world knew Teresa was not really a cook. “She forces her ma to cook spaghetti and then takes a picture for Twitter while she smokes ciggies on her porch”, she explained. Teresa was outraged. She’d only done that a few times. Most of the time she had Gia take the pictures. But offered to make some cutlets or some clams if someone from backstage could run to the Exxon Station and pick her up some. Cutlets, of course. It had always been her go-to option.
Melissa, who had spent the previous weekend watching a Jennifer Lopez movie marathon, declared in a moving monologue that she was the real victim in this mess. Her in-laws hate her, everyone in town thinks she was a stripper, and she’s had to sell her house so her daughter doesn’t have to go to a school in the same district as the Giudice daughters. She had some safety concerns about morning and afternoon pick-up. Have you seen Gia on that ATV?
Meatball Giudice was then brought forward. He pounded a few Red Bulls and had a fresh steroid injection while a video montage played precious moments from their In Touch Weekly sponsored wedding vow renewal ceremony. (It was a fine affair with Teresa in a form fitting Quinceanera dress and prom tendrils). Teresa clutched his child hands while sweat poured down into the open collar of his 70s leisure suit. “Just lie baby”, she whispered. Cohen asked him the all-important question. Who was the man on the phone that day at the vineyard? “It was Albie, my err, worker guy. He was uzz, takings cares of business.” And by Albie he meant Albianetta, a pole dancer he’d met the previous week at the Melon Shack in Staten Island. But the couple remained firm that the state of their union was still strong. Was Teresa hurt that he’d called her the “c” word? Yes, so much in fact that he had to go out to Claire’s Boutique with a coupon he stole from Gabriella’s drawer so he could buy a pair of diamonique earrings and a stretch ring. “Thanks, Andy. Airing that footage of me using that word kept us fighting for three days. That is a word I do not use”, he insisted. Teresa agreed. That was actually her favorite word. He must have learned from her. Does he use other foul words to describe his wife? Oh, absolutely. No doubt.
But was Joe a cheater? Jacqueline, awoken from her red bedazzled Xanax induced slumber rose from the couch. Yes, in fact he was. She knew this from the various phone calls she’d received from Teresa concerned that she’d opened the door to Joe’s office and kept finding his “workers” without clothes. He’d claimed they were just working on some of this and that. That he needed them to help him “bang out” some stuff. He even used the same excuse when he found him with the babysitter naked and underneath a sleeping bag in the basement underneath the stairwell. But he’d said they were looking for his “tools” so she left the issue alone. Plus, she trusted him. He had done such a great job with their finances all these years. He paid all the big house bills with what he had called his “secret stashes” so she was left to enjoy shopping for headbands and pillow tassels with the money she earned peddling her mother’s recipes. So it was a fair and balanced relationship. What would there be to complain about? They were happy. And as Joe explained, “what other husbands don’t call their wives the “C” word every now and then?” Um, they don’t Meatball.
How could things have turned so bad? Teresa believes the real problem in her life was Caroline and Jacqueline. Her financial outlook? Totally fine. A philandering husband? Not a chance. Minimal ability to write a cohesive sentence? Not that important of an issue. But women unwilling to praise her? Not acceptable. Thank God she had rid them of her life. She’d reclaimed her life from the “crazy” and performed a prayer wave in thanks. “She’s a complete lunatic”, Caroline whispered to Jacqueline. And she was, she really was.
Next up: Part 3. The gentlemen defend their tight shirts and their women.
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