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Real Housewives of New Jersey Premiere Recap

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Hurricane Sandy destroyed the beaches of New Jersey this fall. But somehow the surprisingly-not-foreclosed-upon-yet summer homes of Theresa and Melissa remained in tact. Thankfully no one was there during the storm otherwise they would have “drowned” as Theresa would say. The structure was there, of course. But the faux candelabras, Tuscan ruin chairs, and Leopard print swag curtains were all swept away. Melissa’s pool, once home to the STDs of Jersey’s finest guidos, was now filled with leaves and broken lawn mower parts. The toys Theresa’s kids had used in neighborhood street fights were now spread throughout the street. It was just months before that they had all gathered for a moonlight cruise on someone’s stolen power boat where they ate come sausage and sipped on wine made from tears, regret, and loathing. But they had considered the storm has a new beginning. The Manzos used their twitter audiences and contacts within the police department to disperse supplies like black tar water and food. Theresa, always the humanitarian, was kind enough to go through her closets and pull out the clothes she and her kids were no longer wearing. (They had a routine that they would discard something after it was worn in public or used in one of their Life & Style photo shoots). Because of the Giudices the victims of Hurricane Sandy, although without homes, could at least wear gold leggings, cheetah blouses, and suede hot pink pumps. “Hurricane Sandy brought a lot to the economy,” Theresa explained. While some would argue the reason a hurricane occurs is due to intense low-pressure areas forming over warm ocean waters the Giudices believed it was Salvatore, the Patron Saint of construction bringing work to the normally unemployed Joe. Although last year was trying things were now “good” between Theresa and Joe. While he did still cheat on her regularly, continued to drain their bank accounts, and was possibly facing a lengthy prison term they were “happy.” I mean, happy in an I-will-refrain-from-punching-you-in-the-throat-tonight sort of way. Things change and their relationship is evolving. ” We’re all just dust in the air”, she explained to her gray toothed husband over a bottle of wine and some ribs.

Things had not changed within the Giudice/Gorga family. It had been over a year since the entire family had been together. There was just too much hurt. Theresa felt like her sister-in-law had grown too obsessed with her. She had wanted to be on the show. She emulated her collection of fake Louis Vuitton sequin bowling bags. She had yearned for her hairline.  It was a surprise she had not built a shrine to her in their living room. So you can understand why she would tell a national audience that her brother’s wife might have been a “dancer.” You can understand why she told her parents not to speak to her. It was to protect them.

Theresa and her daughters gathered around their marble kitchen aisle so Melatonin (the third born) could play out the scene her mother made her rehearse the night before. “Mommy, when will see Antonio again,” she asked. The girls had not seen their cousins in over year. The mustached child looked concerned. “I want to see Zio Joe, Aunt Stripper face, and … what are those other kids names?” It was Gio, Melatonin. She had forgotten about them since they were no longer spoken about in the home. And it seemed odd that she would miss her cousin in the first place. What did they have in common after all? Antonio liked makeup, fuzzy animals, and dancing. Melatonin rode a motorcycle, had a knife collection, and loved chewing tobacco. But what other way to bring these two families together for the sake of filming a new season of the show? Get the offspring to engaged in a few made for TV moments so the parents can protect their was interest in bringing the family together.

Back at Jacqueline’s house she’s been dealing with an autism diagnosis of her youngest child. It is a heartbreaking site. Almost equal to the nips and tucks she continues to get as the seasons pass.

Melissa took a break from reviewing her own picture on her home screen so her daughter could show her a letter she wrote to her cousin begging for a play date. She wondered what she should do so she showed it to her husband who apparently has a hard time reading on is own. They decided to mail it, even though it would have been easier to just have one of the grandparents drop it off. Joe was hopeful it would somehow start the healing process. Someday these kids would get a chance to be together again, right? “It’s inedible. It will happen,” he said. Yes, it was inedible. 

Remember Rosie? At last we heard she was suggesting she might stab Theresa in the face or rip off her skin and feed it to a pack of wolves? Well things have simmered down for old Ro. She’s been on the dating scene. She’s been working out. And she’s been shopping at the boutique at the senior center down the street. Watch out lesbians in the Tri-state area, this Italian Bea Arthur swagger is going to knock your ascots off.

The letter finally arrived at Theresa’s house. Gia, the oldest, was outraged. She quickly took it out to her father who was working up a steroid sweat in the garage. (It was technically the only gym he could use because of the limitations of his ankle bracelet). But later it was Gia that arranged the pick and drop off of the play date at a bead store off the highway. It was a tense affair with dueling fake furs, stiletto boots, and leased cars. The tension was thick. The air wet. The makeup deep. There was discussion of moving around christening dates. There was frustration over the ode of bead play. But it was a step in the right direction.

Later Caroline took Joe Gorga out for a cup of coffee to offer her unsolicited advice on mending family relationships. (Update: She is still no longer speaking to her sister Dina). She didn’t want to get involved but she needed a new advice gig and producers told her it was the only way she could stay on the show. What else did she have to do? Her kids were all old. She’d moved to an apartment in Hoboken in a last ditch attempt to stalk her own sons. Joe liked Caroline. He felt like she was “the sister he never had”…(besides the one that was obsessed with him).  She intimated that perhaps Melissa was the problem in all of this mess. (Um, what?) See, Joe’s wife Melissa was really building a wall from the ancestral love of a brother and his sister. If only she would pack up her plastic heels and body bronzer and leave these two alone the way God had intended it.

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

4 Comments

  1. lauren

    June 3, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    SOOOOOOOOO GOOD~.. SO Funny!!!!!!

  2. Cindy

    June 4, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    I’m laughing my pants off.. The Rosie makeover is the best!

  3. Pingback: Love and Knuckles Most Important Points From Real Housewives of New Jersey Premiere - Love and Knuckles

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