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Real Housewives of New Jersey Final Reunion Recap

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What did Caroline mean when she said this season that she predicted one day Joe would go away and that Teresa would enevitably leave him and then write a book about it? Um, pretty much exactly because Teresa, as we know, likes to sell stories about her life. When Andy turned to Joe to ask what he meant when he admitted they get paid by tabloids he stammered. He wasn’t, uh, sure if that’s what he meant. It’s a little this and that, and you know, whatever. Whatever, you see, is his go-to phrase when he’s confused, which is basically most of his life. Numbers, letters, wind… It all confuses him. Then his potential jail sentence was brought up. What is going on with his looming court case and probable sentencing? Joe says he’s not worried. Yeah, so what if he was charged with one count wrongfully using identifying information and one count impersonation when in 2010 he used his brother’s marriage and birth certificates to fraudulently get a license at the DMV? Like his attorney told him, everyone is getting indicted these days. I mean, who doesn’t live in constant fear that they will be shipped to the slammer for a possible ten year sentence? No one does Meatball, no one does.

How did the rest of America actually find out that Meatball used his hideous brother’s ID card? From the In Touch Weekly story Teresa had sold. Remember that one? It was the one where her jugs were falling out of her corset top while clutching two of her daughters in matching purple bikinis? But Teresa, despite setting up the interview, providing details on her emotional struggle, and pimping her kids out for a higher fee from the magazine is still furious that her own family would discuss the matter. How could they mention on the show they are contractually obligated to film, which requires them to discuss their personal lives discuss the fact that her husband is probably prison bound? What kidn of family member would do such a thing? (Although totally separate from what kind of parent runs their family into over $10 million worth of debt, gets indicted, and then sells pictures of their kids who are in the midst of an emotionally taxing part of their life for money). But when Jacqueline tries to interject and point out the hipocrisy the developmentally delayed Teresa calls her “Heckle and Jyde.”  Teresa also insisted her girls have absolutely no idea what is going on with their father, though she did score cover interviews for them in Kids Stuck in Reality TV Magazine and Your Parents Are a Mess Weekly. It’s also a good way for them to pay for their own Halloween costumes this year.

At this point Teresa grew frustrated. The veins in her head were beginning to burst.  A few sequins from her pageant gown fell onto the carpet and her forehead was beginning to get its five o’clock shadow.  “Andy! Am I tawkin Chinese?!’ She could barely speak English, so how could she worry about Chinese?

There was then talk about the nature of how Jacqueline and Chris met. She was infuriated Meatball Giudice would suggest they’d met while she was a dancer in Vegas. They had, in fact, met at a cat food trade show in Chicago. Meatball’s come back for telling the wrong story? Your husbands are mo-mos, so who cares.” I am still unsure what mo-mos means, but I am guessing Andy Cohen could not have been thrilled. Jacqueline calls him a low-life and he asks about her finances. Turns out the Lauritas are stuck in some lawsuit. You know, just like all normal housewives you know. But it seemed strange how Meatball would be screaming about someone else’s finances given his inability to follow the law, balance a checkbook, or read a bill.

The other men join the carpet. Gorga was ready to go after suiting up in vintage Bee Gees slacks and open collar shirt. Just enough to expose the sweat beads above his belly button. Wakile was back too, and with a new set of chompers. Evidentally the proceeds of the last season went straight to the fix mom and dad up fund.

Meatball Giudice still hates Meatball Gorga. There was talk about stealing tools, but it was really about success. Gorga became more successful. He bought a bigger faux-marble mansion. He was able to buy his wife glitter shoes and a house by the shore that wasn’t filled with flaoting needles. “Pay your bills”, Giudice screams. Which is again laughable given his own financial situation. Then he insists he is a self made man, as if he is sitting on top of an empire. Would you call not being able to drive a car, facing jail time, and not being able to secure a job really that of a successful self made man?

There was talk of stripping. Someone was a stripper in this crowd. Was it Jacqueline? Was it Melissa? No, it was actually Meatball Gorga. He worked during college hustling for banana sack grams at the Lizard Lounge in Patterson. Teresa knew this because she found his thong when she was sleep in his sheets whenever he left the house. But apparently that was not a big deal for her or for his parents. But the very thought of Melissa at one time slinging beers at a bikini bar set everyone over the edge. Which then brings us to Kimberly Ducklip D., the owner of Posche. You know, that clothes place next to CVS that carries belts and stonewashed mini skirts. She came to unveil the truth behind the fashion prance and Teresa’s involvement with Angelo. Was Teresa involved? Yeah, kind of and yes. She knew Melissa was the target, hired Angelo from a stack of headshots, and then rehearsed lines with him much like she would with her husband before interviews. Was she mad that Kim D. made this all happen as part of a “coincidence” rather than a set up? Not really? How else would she continue to get free sparkly bras?

But she will still not admit the truth. And she will keep telling her parents that Melissa is a lady of the night, which is the reason they don’t want to spend any time with their son or his kids.

So nothing was accomplished in this last part of the Reunion of Middle Aged Guidos. Sorry, America.

mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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