Real Housewives of Dallas

Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Lady Fight

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This week on Real Housewives of Dallas Tiffany attempted to play peacemaker during a lady fight, Travis bought Stephanie an expensive bracelet, and Brandi’s husband Bryan avoided her family reunion barbeque.

LADY FIGHT

Sometimes if you prodded her enough LeeAnne would come undone. Most of the time she was admittedly a Christian woman with a love of giving old clothes and attending dog parties, but there lived a carnival woman named Lady Locken within her. Lady Locken could not hear the voice of reason. She could only hear the cries of circus animals. It was why she lunged at Stephanie at Stephan Pyle’s restaurant that summer evening pointing her finger and promising to destroy her within the very small world of charitable giving in a city in the state of Texas. It was why she threw glasses of wine. It explained why she would get into a fight with a moving trolley or shove a cameraman into moving traffic while wearing a jazzy pantsuit.

Lady Locken: “I am done.”

Tiffany: “Don’t talk to me like that.”

Lady Locken: “I have been a great friend to you. Why didn’t you smack that piece of trash and stand up for me as I would do for you?”

Tiffany: “Maybe you shouldn’t do this on camera.”

Lady Locken: “I’m about to snap. You want to go?”

Tiffany: “Remember when we didn’t talk for two years because I moved to Los Angeles to pursue my dream of being in White Snake videos?”

Lady Locken: “You’re damn right I do.”

Tiffany: “Every single day of my life, and I mean every single day someone asks me why I am friends with you.”

Lady Locken: “Okay, every day. Isn’t that a bit much?”

Tiffany: “Sometimes twice! But I say you don’t know her. She has a good heart. She was raised by elephants. How am I supposed to say that when you throw alcohol at people? The valet thinks you are possessed. I just saw someone jump under their car. Give me some credit.”

Lady Locken raised her middle finger in the air as she walked toward the 7-11. She would get a pack of cigarettes, a lottery ticket, and a hot dog she would cover in mustard. F-k them.

Back inside Stephanie was tears holding herself up against a wall. “She’s crazy,” she whispered as Brandi tried to untangle the chains around her neck. She had been afraid LeeAnne would destroy all the hard work she had done showing up to events and writing checks.

Cary explained that LeeAnne’s attack on Stephanie was routed in the way she looked like a small antelope. “She saw this injured baby gazelle and nailed her.”

NEXT DAY

Somehow this lady fight had them all under emotional distress. Tiffany couldn’t bear to eat breakfast. She didn’t have the wherewithal to flat iron her husband’s hair or listen to him sing Air Supply covers. He held out his hand covered in rings and then placed her hand on his white V-neck t-shirt. “You know who always makes me feel better? Wearing chocker necklaces and listening to Keith Urban albums. He is my spirit animal. It is why I have his face tattooed on my back.” On the other side of town Rich didn’t do much to help LeeAnne. “Tiffany had her finger pointed in my face, you know how she can get,” LeeAnne said. “Yeahhhhhh,” said Rich. “But I also know how you get. Remember that time I hid in the bathroom for a week? Or what about that time I thought about moving to another state and changing my name?” LeeAnne explained that she had major insecurities because of her childhood. She didn’t have anywhere she felt safe and that one place for years has been in the loving arms of Tiffany.

But after walking past each other at a clothing drop off in a school parking lot they had come to realize 25 years of friendship shouldn’t be thrown away because you get in a fight on a sidewalk while a camera crew films you for a show that will be put into syndication. They embraced over lettuce wraps at a deli. They had known each other since before they got regular Botox, when they both believed in lip pencil, crimped hair, and jelly shoes. How could they have let it come to this? This wouldn’t be their last fight. When you truly love someone you go for periods of estrangement, right? Tiffany was half Japanese and half Native American, so she vowed to scalp anyone who disagreed with LeeAnne and then reenact scenes from the Karate Kid.

DIAMOND BRACELETS

Stephanie was distracted by her wedding anniversary, a special celebration of the day she and her husband posed for pictures next to a Rolls Royce they rented. Years later he would buy her the car, even though it didn’t have room for seatbelts, did not have a working radio, and was impossible to parallel park at Target. “He spoils me,” she explained to the owner of a jewelry store as he laid out a tray of bracelets. She selected a $70,000 bracelet, which was probably given to them at a deep discount in exchange for publicity and the first sign the couple will one day end up in bankruptcy or foreclosure based on Real Housewives history. He was grateful to her for giving him two sons they named after Larry King and David Beckham’s offspring. She was grateful she no longer had to live in Oklahoma.

MARITAL BUST

Brandi, however, was not in marital bliss. She tried to explain this to Stephanie as they watched her son jump on the net-less trampoline in her backyard. “Before your son falls off this thing and has to go to the emergency room I’d like to catch you up on my life. I met my granddad. He looks like me and drinks white wine, so I know we are related. But it would have been nice for Bryan to be there because they would have had so much to talk about like sports and eating hamburgers and having a penis. But enough about me, how was your weekend?” Stephanie paused. “Travis bought me a $70,000 bracelet, we drove around town in our luxury car, and then the night culminated with sexual intercourse.” Maybe Travis could provide Bryan with a pamphlet on how to make your wife feel special? On Brandi’s 30th birthday he gifted her with condiment packets from fast food restaurants.

CARY AND MARK

Cary’s husband kept a stash of designer gowns in his closet, a fact that didn’t seem to give her worry. He was skilled with a scalpel, allowed her to inject him with Botox, drank rose, and enjoyed taking pictures of her as she modeled lingerie, all things that are normally characteristic of someone who is profiled on an episode of Dateline. He would feed her every night a piece of fish (it was important to keep her caloric levels down so she would remain weak) and drizzle it with liquids they would one day review at a criminal laboratory.

BRYAN

Bryan had not returned from his business trip when Brandi’s relatives gathered at her home for a barbeque. He had known it was important to her but had instead gone out for drinks at the golf course with Travis. Instead she had to lean on her brother Don who had been her closest sibling growing up. They were a year apart so he would often drive her in his car. “Is that your boyfriend?” people would ask, which she found grotesque. They didn’t even look alike! A few years later she would marry a man who looked exactly like he could be her biological brother.

Maybe it was the heat, having a third degree sunburn, a camera crew film a private moment, or being wasted that bothered him? But he did not want to be with his wife who embraced their small dog beside a pool with children seemingly unattended. Grandpa John peeked through the screen door. He would save stories about playing for the Denver Broncos for another visit.

Bryan slept on a cot in the dining room that night.

Next Week:

Mark takes pictures of Cary, Bryan destroys a romantic dinner, and Tiffany’s husband gets highlights.

Real Housewives, Dallas, Lady Fight, Leeanne, Tiffany, Brandi, Stephanie

 

 

 

 

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mm

Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

3 Comments

  1. Abd Phillips John

    May 11, 2016 at 1:32 am

    Unbeatable

  2. Sam

    May 13, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    OMG this was the best one yet. I was laughing throughout. Love your writing.

    • mm

      Kate

      May 14, 2016 at 3:14 am

      Thank you!

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