Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: The Dinner Party

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Lisa and Kyle loathe each other. So they agreed they would jointly throw a birthday party for their husbands. (Mauricio: But my birthday was last month? Shut up, Maurice. Just go with it). “Who should we invite,” Lisa asked. Hmmm. Maybe Brandi. Oh, what about Kim? Oh, we should invite Carlton. What about Yolanda? She’s got a wedding? Hmmmm. Who else? I know. What about Yoyce and Meatloaf? Terrific! Who should cater the party? Hmm. Let me see. Who is up to the job? I know! What about SUR where we are eating? But whom can we get to serve drinks? I got it! What about those crazy kids from Vanderpump Rules? GREAT IDEA! It was all coming together so easily. (Thanks Bravo producers). But their party would be an elegant affair. Something where the guests wear clothing and are not taking a prescription for a sexually transmitted disease. You know, unlike Carlton’s pool party.

Brandi completed her second book. This one is on being drunk in a relationship as opposed to her first book on being drunk in a divorce.

Yoyce invited Carlton out for crepes and fries to confront her on the spell she put on Meatloaf. Although she didn’t believe in witchcraft it did seem strange that after Carlton threatened her Meatloaf came down with a horrendous stomach bug. She hadn’t seen that much vomit since backstage at the Miss Puerto Rico pageant. Should she worry about one of her kids falling down a set of stairs or not being able to grow a full head of hair? “Years ago I did invite darkness into my life”, Carlton explained. “Some have said I was responsible for global warming and the Michael Jackson/Lisa Marie Presley divorce. But not since Mysteri, Destini, and Broomstick were born.” Now I live in light. I surround myself with sunshine, crystals, and ball gags. So don’t ever worry about your kids.” And then they stared at their untouched plate of fries and decided to move forward.

To commemorate Kimberly Jr.’s high school graduation mother and daughter got matching butterfly tattoos on their wrists. “I’ve always told the kids that when I die I will become a butterfly,” Kim explained. “This way they will always know I am around them, especially when they are stressed they can’t get a job because they are covered in tattoos.” Yolanda was also preparing to send Gigi off to London. But instead of a tattoo she got her a crate of the Master Cleanse bottles.

Back at Lisa’s villa party preparations were coming together. Lisa had her hair stylist place a tiara in her prom hair. Ken dressed their dog in a bedazzled tuxedo. Kevin Lee, their party planner, had his jheri curl blown out. As the guests began to arrive the synchronized swimmers, who were actually wasted hookers, began swaying in the shallow end of the pool. Scheana, Lisa’s waitress with the loose tooth, went out of her way to show Kyle her engagement ring. “Oh, how sweet. A trinket ring. Is that from Zales,” Kyle asked. Brandi brought JR, the guy she allegedly body slammed at the white party the previous year. But as she explained to Scheana just because she was banging the guy didn’t mean she was going to get married again. “I don’t know. Ever since you boned my ex-husband, which subsequently contributed to the destruction of my entire life I’ve come to realize marriage is not realistic. For all you know I might have sex with your fiancée when you are working one night. Anyway, thanks for the mojito. Too-da-loo.” After Pandora, Lisa’s unfortunately named daughter and her wax faced husband presented Ken with a canvas portrait of their dog the festivities began to take a nosedive. Carlton and Kyle started to fight. Kyle had made the grave mistake of referring to Carlton as “her” as opposed to “that lady with the pock marks and the evil eyes.” Where was this coming from? “I had a dream you were talking about me and then I found out from a friend of a friend that when you were at my house you wouldn’t use my bathroom because it was dirty,” Carlton explained. “Oh, the bathroom that had an enormous turd in it? The same bathroom that was being used by the various meth face strippers who were rubbing their vaginas all over metal poles on pedestals in your back yard? The same one decorated with Halloween hand towels? You couldn’t spring for a candle? You’ve got prostitutes with warts pissing into your toilet but you can’t get a scent plug or a Yankee candle?” But it wasn’t just that. Carlton was still pissed Kyle confused her back tat with a Jewish star when it was very clearly a pentagram. Shouldn’t she know how many prongs are on a Star of David? Kyle wondered if Carlton just hated Jewish people. “How could you say that? There you go labeling me again. I lived in South Africa. I love manischewitz.” And then she left. And before Maurice could cut his ice cream cake.

“She’s wrong,” Brandi said. “I love the girl. I mean, I’ve made out with her in a hot tub. I’ve borrowed her handcuffs. But she’s wrong.”

The tide was beginning to turn.

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  1. Mama Momtourage

    February 4, 2014 at 8:22 pm

    Love it! “Pock marks and evil eyes” is the best nickname ever!

  2. Cara

    February 4, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    So good.

  3. Sharon

    February 5, 2014 at 9:31 pm

    What has happened to this franchise?

  4. Julie

    February 9, 2014 at 2:05 am

    Once again a perfect and extremely funny recap!

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