Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Luaus and Stripper Poles
Kimberly Jr. graduated from high school. To mark the occasion Kim Sr. threw a luau in her rental home. She had at first considered having something at older sister Kathy’s house. Perhaps just a fun barbecue in the field. But as it turned out Kathy had already made plans to go to “Buckingham Palace.” It wasn’t the first time Kathy had bailed. Kyle had known this song and dance all too well. “Sorry I can’t make your daughter’s college graduation, Kyle. Rick, the kids, and I will be taking our magic carpet to the Wonka Chocolate Factory. Cher is meeting us.” But sure as shit if daughter Paris were opening another nightclub in Orlando everyone would be expected to show up. So instead Kim invited everyone else that had made the occasion of her daughter completing the 12th grade such a special moment: Kyle, Yolanda, Brandi, Carlton, Joyce, and Lisa.
Days before the big event Kyle and Kim met up to get their vaginas waxed. It was just like the old days, like before Kim had a substance abuse problem. This was back when they had their old noses. Now they were in a good place. The place where you can sit in a nail salon and have someone offer you a vibrator while a cameraman gets footage of you getting your pubes ripped off and laugh about it. So Kyle was pleased.
Carlton invited Brandi and some weathered friends to meet up for some pole dancing lessons. Why ask your girlfriends to meet up for jazzercise or water aerobics when you can get a great workout watching each other dance around a metal pole? She took it upon herself to get wasted on tequila on the ride over. That way she could feel more comfortable ripping off her Wet Seal shorts and unveiling her spicy stripper underpants. This was why Carlton and Brandi bonded. They were two raunchy women who are “non-judgmental” because they basically have no judgment of their own. After dancing they headed to Kimberly Jr.’s party but not before parking themselves in front of the Fat Burger truck on Kim’s front steps. Brandi who despite owning her own stripper pole in the middle of her dining room became overcome with a devastating case of motion sickness. It had prohibited her from a successful career as an exotic dancer as well as driving too long in a car. So after a long afternoon of stripping Carlton and Brandi parked themselves on the stairs of Kim’s house so they could enjoy a delicious cheeseburger. This surprised Kyle who pulled up in her sports car with Mauricio and daughter Portia strapped onto a spare tire in the back seat. “Portia, honey, just step over Brandi and the woman with the pock marks so we can see cousin Kimberly.” But when Brandi made it inside she projectile vomited all over Kim’s bathroom. She wanted to leave and Carlton was happy to oblige because she was pissed the now-sober Kim had not provided alcoholic beverages at her 18 year-old daughter’s party. Luckily Joyce, who was dressed in a chest plunging Latin ballroom dancing dress and with plastic flowers in her hair and on her wrist, was there though honestly Kimberly Jr. had absolutely no idea who she was.
Joyce, who still believes she is participating in an ongoing beauty pageant, has decided bullying is her platform issue. She’s already got swimwear nailed down and is still working on the final touches of the beginning of the show choreography to One Direction’s That’s What Makes You Beautiful. It’s a perfect topic for her since she was bullied for approximately 13 minutes in middle school for being impossibly beautiful with long untoned limbs and yards of horse hair. Since she’s not really considered a celebrity she invited two guys she met on Craigslist to come to her house and photograph her giving the middle finger while posing as if she’s in a Carl’s Jr. commercial.
Lisa wanted to help foster kids so she agreed to collect old sequin gowns from everyone’s closet so disadvantaged girls can go to the prom. She invited them over for a breakfast tea because as everyone knows it is harder to get into full bitch fight before 10:00 am. Rocio, the Vanderpump’s maid was forced to help though she had secretly planned to stuff everything in her hatchback the minute she ended her shift. “Now Rocio, remember you are a privileged person”, Ken said. Really, Mr. Ken? I live in a one-bedroom with my cousin and her 4 kids. I work 13-hour days for you. I have to carry your dog around in a pirate costume. Am I privileged?
Joyce was the first to arrive clasping two of her old gowns from the pageant circuit. “If I can help one bastard child by giving them something from my incredible closet then I have lived up to my name as Miss. Puerto Rico.” As Kim offered Lisa a few gowns from her 1982 Magnum P.I. Press tour she made sure to let Lisa know how much she was missed at her daughter’s party. “Darling, I was in Missouri this weekend at a charity. Otherwise I would have done everything in my power to chew on quesadillas and drink virgin machine pina coladas with a bunch of teenagers,” Lisa said. But Kim’s hairstylist Ja-Johnny spied Lisa at her own restaurant the same night of the party. So Lisa started back tracking. “Oh, Ken, we were delayed and then switched our flights and Gigi needed water, right?” What did Kim want from her? They had RSVP’d and sent Kimberly Jr. a beautiful crystal flower vase for her dorm at school. And as Ken pointed out to her it wasn’t as if she’d shown up to some previous events. “What are you saying Ken”, Kim asked? I am saying that T-minus two years ago the best place to find you was in a pill and whiskey coma at the bottom of a closet. So forgive us for missing your kid’s luau in the Valley.” By then Kyle had shown up with her attack dog and Brandi and Joyce were starting a catfight on the back patio. Brandi wanted to not-apologize for anything she may have said or done in Palm Springs. Truth is it was weird that Joyce would invite people to a pool party and not swim. And she did have the first name of a 67-year old woman who likes to make her own jewelry. But Joyce was willing to accept her fake apology if she would stand up and hug her. It’s what any spokesperson for a non-existent charity would do.
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