Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Fight Club
As you know, Carlton is a Wiccan priestess who has a sex chamber in her Dracula mansion in the Hollywood hills. Once a year she invites all of her equally sex obsessed friends over for a rigatoni dinner and entertainment from some of America’s finest strippers. She holds auditions where women of varying degrees of sexually transmitted diseases and abusive childhoods perform routines for a once in a lifetime shot at degrading themselves on national television. Her trusty judging panel includes her nanny she likely bones and her friend Tara who swallows liters of helium.
Brandi invited Yolanda to accompany her to Sactown, her beloved hometown, for a book signing in the first floor of the Hyatt. It was a break from the Four Season and Ritz Carlton’s Yo had become accustomed to but she knew Brandi needed her in this time of need. Her father, for one, had been ignoring her ever since she exposed his background as a pot distributer and then shoved her jugs into an ill-fitted dress at last year’s Oscars. (He was, for the record, totally okay with her vaginal reconstructive surgery). And who could forget the fact (and because she brings it up every five minutes) that her dog was mysteriously kidnapped from her home. She would have invited Lisa but she felt like her family would be uncomfortable with her accent and the way she wears diamonds and pink taffeta. Yo was supportive and did the sweet task of getting Brandi’s father a collection of David Foster’s greatest CDs for his birthday (he has never heard of iTunes). All was well until Brandi started guzzling wine and cursing in front of her nieces. Whoops. Sorry kids. And then she brought up the pot incident. Sorry, dad. Just being back in the old hometown reminded her of the way she almost had to join a gang in high school. If it were not for Eddie Cibrian and this TV gig she might be sporting a red bandana and some shrapnel living next to the train tracks drinking from a bottle. But she and her father promised to move forward at this juncture. So that was good.
Joyce, as I noted last week, believes she is participating in a never ending beauty pageant. She has decided bullying is her platform issue. In this week’s episode she and Meatloaf (her “baby” husband) spent some time at a gun range. A few years ago masked gunmen came up her driveway, which led to an explosive showdown. She called 911 and the would-be intruders fled. (In fairness they were actually girl scouts). It is because of this she thinks that all women should know how to protect themselves from an unwanted attack. You should do this by not putting back your waist length hair and making matching your outfits a priority in establishing safety. And then she set up a self-defense class for the women. Kyle, refreshed from a Shabbat dinner the previous night, came prepared with her equally long hair down and free. Lisa wore a lacy bra beneath a bra top allowing her breasts to whip in the wind. Kim got a spray tan. Brandi may have broken her hand. Carlton almost knocked out someone’s tooth. Yolanda almost strangled the instructor. It was a success.
And then Brandi, Kyle, and Lisa enjoyed a glass of wine at a restaurant. Kyle gave Brandi a card because she wanted her to know that in this time of immeasurable grief after the abduction of her dog that she was there for her. Just as she would have appreciated when the tabloids were exposing the fact her husband cheats. Kyle’s plot was starting to work. With time Brandi would see she was being used as a chess piece in Lisa’s torturous game of deceit and manipulation.
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