Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

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Joyce was still pissed. She hadn’t spent 3 hours that afternoon trying on various pastel evening gowns and using her Suzanne Somers Facemaster to be attacked at a dinner she had no intention of eating. “You have to understand she’s going through a VERY difficult time right now,” explained Yolanda. “Her puppy was kidnapped.” But Joyce and her husband Meatloaf were not having it. “She’s a train that is about to be derailed,” he garbled. “She’s tacky”, Joyce added. Brandi asked if they would kindly f-off. She didn’t have a husband that would sit around, indulge in all of Sur’s delicious cocktails and beet salad, and support her. She was just a single lush still picking up the pieces from her soap actor husband leaving her for a country music star on the set of a winter themed made-for-TV movie. But Joyce and Meatloaf were relentless. She wasn’t going to be sort of bullied by a woman of equal anorexic stature. If she learned anything while being Ms. Southern Puerto Rico it was that you should Vaseline your teeth and keep your chin held high. But Brandi collected her pills, clutch, and bitterness and headed out to a waiting town car. She had enough and she didn’t plan on eating dessert anyway. Though the women encouraged her to try to take the time and understand Brandi, Joyce had her doubts (and also knew it would only give her more screen time). But then she remembered God asked the world to forgive so maybe she could look past the fact that Brand kept calling her Jacqueline.

Kim was finally reunited with her dog in one of television’s most poignant moments. She looked forward to spending more time with her dog-baby, especially at night when she could lay with him on top of her duvet cover and mattress filled with her mother’s ashes.

Joyce met up with Kyle at a golfing range in a Chico’s pantsuit, Easy Spirit casual loafers, and her Rapunzel hair tied back into Genie pony. Kyle had been telling her husband for years that she should get out on the range. Mauricio it seems spends quite a bit of time “at the range” meeting with “clients” and just “letting off steam” from the busy work week. Joyce cared less about actually working up a sweat than complaining that Brandi always plays the victim. In her world (the pageant world) Brandi does not even exist anyway. Meanwhile across town Yolanda tried to coach Brandi on how to communicate like a normal person. “When you zay zees things people can get wrong idea about you, understand, yeah?” But Brandi has a condition called can-not-keep-your-mouth-shut, which has only one known cure: duct tape.

Carlton believes the reason she’s raised such obedient daughters is because she’s strict but playful. Destiny and Mysteri need to clean their rat crap infested dollhouse but they also get to spend lazy summer afternoons running from the power washer in the backyard. To acknowledge their deep relationship Carlton had them help her sketch a tattoo placed on the back of her neck in the shape of a pentagram. That way she can always remember the way they wrote their name when she’s sporting a tramp stamp at the retirement home with her husband from Jersey.

Ken and Lisa shopped for furniture for their new gay bar at an antiques store because there is no TJ Maxx in West Hollywood.

Kyle threw a fashion prance at her boutique for the Children’s Hospital with Jamie Lee Curtis, her Halloween co-star from the late 70s as emcee. It made sense since Jamie was rumored to be born a hermaphrodite and Mauricio has been rumored to enjoy them. Plus it was a good way to distract people from her marital problems by allowing Jamie to announce they had made a very sizable donation to the charity. To round things out she had her daughters appear in the runway show. (Sorry you are shy Alexia, but walk out there in your clogs and show everyone that you are a star). Joyce was a revelation with her hair whipping, stick arms, and 80s posing. Brandi seemed sober.

Lisa invited Joyce over for a sip of a drink, just long enough for her to drop off her hostess gift, accept an invitation to get to know Brandi at a later date, and then get her ankles chewed off by one of her dogs. “If you just get to know Brandi you will see that beneath the crate of pinot grigio she’s a sweet girl.” By Joyce insisted that everyone makes excuses for Brandi’s shitty antics. “Remember how she said Criss-tall knows her? Criss-tall says they only met twice”, Joyce said. “Listen”, Lisa explained. “I don’t want to chastise her.” Joyce was confused. “What is that word you talk of now? Chas-steel, no? Chasstazzle? Chasstasta,” Joyce asked. And then she collected her things and left.

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