Real Housewives of New York

The Bronx: Real Housewives of NY Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New York Bethenny hosted a lunch in the Bronx, which culminated with a fight between Dorinda and Sonja, and Ramona is permitted to attend a ski weekend in Vermont.

THE BRONX

One crisp winter day a group of Upper East Side women slowly clutched their handbags as they entered an Italian restaurant in the heart of The Bronx. “These broads drink, so bring two bottles of Chianti,” said Bethenny to the waiter. Bethenny was at home in the kind of place someone who just performed a mafia hit would enjoy a bowl of meatballs. “Feels like home,” noted Dorinda as she tripped through the front door. Her face was red with smudged makeup and her hair was styled as if she had just been found in a pile of leaves. “I have not been to the Bronx in 15 years,” growled Luann, “but it is good to feel like I am back in the old country.” She liked to remind them often that she was basically European even though she was born in Connecticut.

“You guys aren’t dressed for the Bronx,” said Bethenny. Tinsley was wearing a charity luncheon power suit and Carole was dressed for an expedition. After a round of discussion about how unstable Ramona is, and before the calamari plates were delivered, Sonja announced to the table that Dorinda was involved in the Tipsy Girl business negotiations. She insisted she had a text message from her dry cleaning boyfriend noting Sonja’s business partner Peter had approached Dorinda. Rather than letting it brush under the table Dorinda threw her arms into the air with her fingers pointed north. “I did not have anything to do with Tipsy Girl,” she slurred. “John doesn’t pay my bills. I was never involved in that business. You are a FOOL!” To prove her point she rose from her chair nearly soiling a large margherita pizza and screamed across the table that Sonja was a fraud. “I have seen the bankruptcy papers. Take that, hostess with the mostess,” she cried as she placed an imaginary triangle over her lady pocket.

Bethenny and Tinsley gripped each other as tears fell from their faces. Luann got up so she could explain to the restaurant manager that she was a newlywed and would appreciate any dessert being delivered to the table with candles.

CLIP

Dorinda sat down and swiftly twisted towards Sonja placing her hands in the air with her fingers clamped together like a puppet. “CLIP! CLIP!” she cried. Bethenny understood that meant shut up. Dorinda began to softly weep into her napkin. “Remember when you dis-invited me to the Berkshires,” asked Sonja? There was a collective eye roll. “We are not going backwards,” said Dorinda.

Minutes later Dorinda told Sonja she respected her and they all resumed eating lunch as if the other diners had not considered calling the Police to break up the altercation. On the way out of the restaurant a kind man told Carole she looked like Melania Trump. Later that day Carole burned her expedition suit.

THERAPY

Tinsley permitted cameras in her therapy session, a much-needed hour in her week. It was easy for the others to say she should just get over things. There were some details of her previous relationship she decided to share and others she kept buried. She was paralyzed by her fear to change her life, which she knew was essential to her growth. She could no longer date trust fund men who sleep in late, eat portioned meals from a delivery service, wear loafers without socks, and carry monogrammed luggage to their parent’s vacation homes. She needed to lay off the red wine, even though it was the only thing that helped her sleep at night, otherwise she would be wide eyed in Sonja’s daughter’s bedroom staring at her old dolls and One Direction posters.

IT WAS A JOKE

Luann met with Ramona and Sonja to discuss their upcoming weekend in a ski chalet in Vermont. “Bethenny isn’t mad at you anymore,” insisted Sonja. (Bethenny was still mad). “You should come,” added Luann. “I only ski Aspen,” replied Ramona as if she was a movie star or Mariah Carey. “I can’t help it, I like the best of everything,” Ramona added. It didn’t take much prodding before she accepted the invitation. They began to argue about Dorinda and level of friendship they all shared. “You don’t know Dorinda,” said Sonja, which was factually untrue. “I met her at a bat mitzvah ten years ago,” explained Luann. “But that’s not really knowing someone,” said Sonja. “I’ve known you forever, we’ve even had sex with the same man,” she added. They didn’t get a chance to enjoy the entrees before Luann got up to leave. “Come on,” she yelled to the back of Luann’s head, “it was just a joke!”

SKI WEEKEND

Bethenny rented a ski chalet in Stratton, Vermont filled with every amenity one would need to get through a 36-hour ski vacation, like unlimited bottles of Skinnygirl brand liquor. Ramona resplendent in ski boots and a camel toe had somehow scored an invitation was clear, “I don’t want to drink that. Skinnygirl is good, but I want really good.” Bethenny could hear her from the other side of the room as she spoke with her daughter back in New York. “You can have this,” someone said to Tinsley while lifting a jug of vodka with the label scratched out.

Dorinda left her luggage outside her door five hours away. It was an easy mistake to make when you sideline to your departure by making a pit stop at your dry cleaning boyfriend’s apartment so you can have sex. “It was hot, what can I say?” she asked. “You have said enough,” replied Bethenny. Because Dorinda was the first to arrive she grabbed a large bedroom with a double sink bathroom with tub before the others had arrived. It violated the Vacation Agreement, an invisible treaty that declared Ramona and Sonja get the most luxurious hotel suite. “How could you let this happen?” Ramona asked Carole. It would not be the last ridiculous comment Ramona made that night. “Anyone who knows me understands there is not a malicious bone in my body,” Ramona explained to Luann while playing pingpong. Calling out Bethenny for making a soft porn video in the 80s and having what she described as a failing business was only observational, and not pointed or vindictive. “I wouldn’t necessarily agree with that,” replied Luann as footage from several scenes played in the background including the time she told a national television audience that Luann had an open marriage and abandoned her children.

HALLWAY BATHROOM

Luann was also upset. She had expected the others to provide her with a suite with her own bathroom. It was the last they could all do for someone who had been married weeks before. Are we supposed to celebrate his goddamn wedding for another year, they all wondered? Would the D’agostino nuptials give her an upgraded suite for the rest of her life? Surely she understood she was not the first person to ever get married. “I mean, I think one of the caterers used the toilet I am supposed to use,” Luann cried.

Before dinner Sonja poured tap water into a bottle for Ramona. Besides a room with a tub she also expected still water from a local spring.

I CAN’T JUST GET OVER IT

Tinsley poured herself a drink without ice. “How waspy of you,” said Bethenny. They both agreed next time Tinsley should date someone outside her social circle, and maybe someone who read the Torah. At dinner Sonja took exception when Tinsley noted she would like to get married again one day. “How can you get married when you are living with me? Who would want to be with you when you live on my second floor?” They all wondered why it was any of Sonja’s business? Why did she care if anyone got married, much less someone who occupied her spare bedroom? Wouldn’t you want them to find happiness and accommodations? Tinsley became emotional. “Everyone keeps telling me I should just get over my last relationship  “I’m 41!” she cried. “I do not have children! A lot of you that I’ve heard from are not over a lot of situations that happened in the past, so give me a goddamn second!” Carole looked over at Sonja and explained that she was part of the problem.

Bethenny tried to make Tinsley see that since she was a grown woman she didn’t need someone else telling her who to date and when to come home. “If you don’t like what she says move into an apartment.” Tinsley who had never apparently read any New York media, tabloids, or the ticker for CNN, much less watched any old episodes of the show or the spinoffs Bethenny Gets Married or Bethenny Has a Baby. She assumed Bethenny wouldn’t understand. “It’s hard when someone disparages your name,” she replied. “Google me!” screamed Bethenny.

No one had dessert.

NEXT WEEK:

A trip to Mexico to promote Bethenny’s tequila.

Real Housewives of New York, Bronx, Recap

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