Real Housewives of New Jersey

Retreat: Real Housewives of NJ Recap

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This week on Real Housewives of New Jersey the women attended Siggy’s self help retreat in the hills of New Jersey. 

SELF HELP

Siggy wanted to create a self-help empire. This was not what Michael Campanella wanted for his life. He preferred to have her waiting at home for him with take-out food buckets. Having his wife organize retreats for 8-10 women in the throws of a mid-life crisis was not the way he envisioned spending his weekends. This was the crux. Can you self empower other women when you are trying to negotiate with your husband how to pursue your dreams on a Saturday and Sunday?

RETREAT

The idea for the retreat was simple; if your life is a disaster we will help you. We will clean off the counter that is your life. You want to get a divorce? Fine, here’s the paperwork. You want to fix your tits? No problem, here’s a doctor who can do them. Are you hideous in your online profile picture? No problem, we’ve got a photographer. Need some homemade jewelry to bedazzle your outfit? The lady in the corner can make you a bracelet. What more could one need? Well, according to Melissa, Teresa, and Danielle a little more substance. Where was the trained therapist who could provide you with useful tools to help you unlock the emotional walls you are facing? They weren’t available that weekend. The retreat did, however, have a life coach who could scream in your face.

So Siggy invited them all to a retreat in the New Jersey hills, far way from the people they loved. She assured them there would be plenty of deli meat and red wine. Margaret with good reason was cautious, but she remembered that there were worse things than staying caged in a suburban hotel with a woman who loathes you. She could, for example, have a home filled with traditional furniture and bland walls or a hairstyle that did not require teasing or ponytail holders.

MAKE PEACE

Dolores and Teresa made peace before the trip even though it still made no sense to Teresa why she was living in a home with her ex-husband again. (Her new boyfriend obviously didn’t want to film, and Frank liked the camera and thought appearing on the show would lead to opportunities in the fitness space). She passive aggressively suggested that Teresa owed her some loyalty after all the times she had looked away when it was obvious Joe Giudice was cheating. “What are you trying to say?” asked Teresa. “I am not trying to say anything,” Dolores calmly responded. (She was trying to say Joe kept busy in the months she was in a federal prison). Dolores also suggested Danielle was on medication. She wasn’t sure what kind or the dosage, but that she was being treated for something at some point with some doctor.

Siggy still considered Margaret devoid of emotion. Little did she know she was grieving the end of her relationship with two of her step-children, whom she had raised after she married her first husband at age 24. As Margaret wept with her husband over breakfast eggs Siggy was posting on Instagram a photo of herself with a bow and arrow ready to shoot someone in the middle of their eyes.

GET YOUR LADY SPIRIT BACK

At the Crystal Springs Inn they gathered in a small conference room to watch a slide show projection on Feeling Fine and Getting Your Lady Spirit Back. The women (and three gay men in the back row) looked at each other as Siggy screamed and yelled about being emotionally tortured her whole life by a name you can’t find on a bike license late. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to endure school with a name like this?” she asked the attendees. Gee, I don’t know wondered the guests who had overcome illness or harassment or a job layoff during a recession.

At dinner that night Danielle asked Dolores why she would think she was on drugs. “Well, are you?” asked Dolores.

END SCENE

The next morning after waking up in a wood paneled suite Margaret asked herself why she subjected herself to staying in the same living space as someone who tried to jazzercise her head off the previous week. Siggy noted the morning activities would bring clarity, but after they assembled in a fire pit in front of a divorce lawyer Margaret began to have her doubts.

Vikki the divorce lawyer asked Siggy to rise and to choose the person she still needed to confront. Margaret stood across from her in the fire pit and per the attorney’s instructions began to imitate her for her abhorrent behavior the night Melissa’s birthday cake was destroyed. Siggy’s nose began to flare as she pressed her fingers into her palms and into a fist. The others worried Crystal Springs Inn might go down in flames.

Also notable: Melissa and Margaret ate squash salads. Melissa asked for advice on retail expansion and Margaret noted people with confidence and integrity don’t need to blow someone else’s candle out to shine. (MAYBE SHE SHOULD BE THE LIFE COACH).

NEXT WEEK:

Siggy and Margaret complete their scene.

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap, Retreat, Siggy, Margaret, Dolores, Teresa

 

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Comedian, Author, and Host of Reality Life with Kate Casey podcast.

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